In and out of this world

Ruthie reads the book I wrote about her

2010-06-02T06:37:00.000-07:00

Reflection on the sea
Harbor at Old San Juan
photo by Linda Gallop
I wrote my novel, Ruthie Has a New Love, for November is National Write a Novel in a Month (NANO). When it came time to edit it, it was a mountain of labor to fix those gazillion typos (every word had typos in it).

I had loved my novel when I wrote it just because I wrote it. Now I didn’t think it was any good. I was just going to let it get lost on my machine. But then NANO emailed all of us, “if we edit it by June, Amazon’s company Createspace will publish it and post it for sale on Amazon.”

How could I resist such an offer! I had sent the book I wrote back in NYC, which I thought was good book, to every editor and publisher in USA. No one wanted it! I had given up on publishing.

When I discovered I could write a story and then post it on my Blog on internet, I was thrilled. I had been doing that happily for past 4 years and the idea of publishing had gone out of my mind.

And here suddenly out of nowhere I had an offer to publish the novel I wrote for NANO. I wanted it. So then I edited my novel. And by the time I finished, I fell in love with it all over again. It wasn’t hot, but it had its own something.

So I got out that email from NANO to find out how I send it to Amazon’s company so they can publish it. And that is when I discovered, they just print it and bind it. All the work to turn it into a paperback I have to do myself. But I was in too deep now. I wanted to publish my book. So I did it.

I’ll ask my Higher Self what she thinks about the book

Anne could not have published this novel without Ruthie’s help. Anne was terrified and overwhelmed when she first found out what was involved. Yes the angels on the community board at Create Space were a cornucopia of help.

But Ruthie held her hand all thru it. Ruthie is the computer expert, so she supplied the confidence. Plus she sent Anne helpful software in the mail.

The 2 girls were on the phone every day. The only thing Anne did not do was to send her a copy of it before it was published. Ruthie naturally was dying to read it, Anne had finally confided the book was about her.

But Anne thought “if I send it to Ruthie before I publish it, she will make me take everything out, she won’t like it that I tell all her secrets.”

So the first time Ruthie ever read the book was in a paperback ordered from Amazon.

It may have been right after Ruthie finally got to read it that Anne and Ruthie were doing Higher Self together on phone. Anne asked the questions, Ruthie tuned into her Higher Self for the answers.

Anne asked Ruthie’s Higher Self, “what do you think of the book?”

Ruthie’s Higher Self answered “I love it, it is all about Me.” She said “the book is real, and people crave things which are real. Mostly all people get is entertainment. But real is more satisfying. And some parts of the book are fun and funny.

Not everyone will like the book, and if they don’t like it, fine! Let them just pass it on!”

Ruthie reads the book

Ruthie didn’t get to read the book till everyone else did. She had been on vacation in Hawaii with her best friend Joanie from NYC when CreateSpace first published it. I put in a discount code so Ruthie could buy it at same price as me, $4.40. But they insisted Hawaii was a foreign country, and wanted to charge Ruthie $25 for overseas shipping.

I emailed CreateSpace “Hawaii is not a foreign country.”

They emailed me back “we have to get around to fixing that, but meanwhile that is how it is.”

Finally Joanie just ordered the book from Amazon. “It’s a book about you Ruthie, I want to read it.”

Which is how Ruthie finally got to read it. She read Joan’s copy.

At first Ruthie sensibly skipped over all the parts about her, and the result is she loved the book. I put in a lot of subtlety in that book to make up for fact it was not a hot book. And Ruthie drank in all the subtlety.

I cried with happiness when she called me up to tell me her experience of reading the book.

However, two months later she sat down and read all the parts about her.

And then I got a phone call.

“Can you change it,” she asked.

Luckily they make it so easy to republish. Of course I want to make Ruthie happy.

My Mom and Me Make Up

2010-05-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

Here are the wonderful photos of wildflowers on the desert my friend Rusty Storbeck took during this April and May. Most of the flowers are so tiny they are smaller than his pinky fingernail. I chose 5 to post with my story. I love all his photos, so it is not easy to choose which ones to post, you can see his other wonderful photos here

And here is the story I wrote this past Monday, the day after Mothers Day. It is not a conventional mother/daughter story but it has a very happy ending...

I connected to my Higher Self at end of ‘91, a few years later I discovered I can communicate with anyone in Heaven. It’s on the same frequency.

I do have a beautiful relationship with my dad in Heaven, altho mostly I like to stick to my Higher Self. I took it for granted I would be close to my mom too when she went to Heaven, but a week after she left the world, this past October, I found out she disinherited me. I shut the door tight on her after that and never thought I would open it again.

This is the story of how she got me back. I am glad she went to all that effort to do it, because it is a new wonderful joy in my life.

My mom who is in Heaven now wants to be friends with me now. She wants to restore our relationship, she wants us to be close and loving. This is an actual experience. It started right before my birthday in early April.

We had only had two or 3 conversations because of my reluctance to be in relationship with her. I am not sure if bitter is the right word it was more like I was really done with her.

I had spent my whole lifetime in relationship with her. The relationship had lacked a lot and been difficult the whole time.

But after my dad went to Heaven I really wanted to be there for her. I wanted to give her everything. She no longer had my dad so I decided I would be the one to give her everything.

For that to happen we had to be peers and friends, equals. So when I first went back home I tried to put the relationship on this new footing. I wanted to let her know she could no longer control me, she had controlled me her whole life. So I refused to let her control me. She insisted on controlling me. She put up a stunning amazing relentless fight but she could not succeed. She could not succeed because I was doing all this for her. The result is she went to war with me for the next 16 years.

I had done all this so I could give her constant unconditional love, which is exactly what I did give her for 16 years. Every thought for her happiness. But she spent those 16 years hating me and punishing me for losing the fight, and her last act was to disinherit me, by that she won the fight.

Everything about everything was totally bizarre. It was like watching someone have a fight with themself or with an imaginary person. She was treating me like some awful enemy, when in truth I was a completely loving devoted daughter.

So you can see how when it was all over and she was now in Heaven, finally having all the fantastic unalloyed happiness I always wanted for her, and my responsibility for her happiness was over, and her last act had been such a horrid one, to deprive me of my dad’s money and make it clear she did not love me, I had really had it with that girl.

It had been 16 years of her horridness to me. I was just so relieved the relationship was over. It seemed like an awful burden I was now relieved of. Altho occasionally when I came across something on the web I knew she would love, a photo of an animal or a flower, something she loves— for 16 years I had emailed her anything and everything I thought she would love. That habit persisted. I would come across something and think “my mom would love this” and by reflex action to want to send it to her.

The habit of wanting to make her happy and giving her pleasure never went away. Bill’s sister sent me the other day a photo of a dove taking care of a baby puppy. This is the kind of thing my mom would love and my first thought was to send it to her. It was the one thing we all share, me and Bill, Bill’s sister Mary, Bill’s mom Irene, and my mom, our love for animals.

My first contact with my mom in Heaven was just before my birthday in April. I let her talk to me, and all she said was how deeply deeply sorry she is for how she acted and how much she wants to make it up to me, how much she wants me to forgive her and to be friends with her again. It was such a heartfelt apology, it was so sincere, that at the end of that conversation I relented. I let her buy me a birthday present.

I had seen a skirt and blouse on the web which was not on sale, it was new arrival, and it was expensive and I wanted them. But never would I have bought them for myself.

But she said “let me buy them for you, they will be my birthday present to you.”

“It is such a perfect present” I said.

I came in the house and ordered them. I must have been lying on my outside couch in the sunshine when we had this conversation. And I have been wearing that skirt and blouse, and each time I put them on I do think “it is my mom’s birthday present to me.”

Here is what went on in the second conversation:

We had a second long conversation about two weeks ago. I had just watched Real Housewives of New York City. So much went on in that show which was so interesting, all the dynamics between the women. This conversation with my mom began again with her expressing her deep regret for how she treated me, what a mistake she made, her tremendous desire to be close to me and friends with me now. She really really really wanted a second chance, a relationship.

I was very reluctant to give it to her. I really was thru with her. But she got me over that hump when she said “I know you will give it to me Anne because of your kindness and generosity.” That melted me.

When my mom was in the world she had never acknowledged I had any attributes of any kind. For her entire time in the world the only attribute she ever expressed value about was cleaning my room, she always wanted me to clean my room.

Even when she had already moved to California and I was in Tucson and we were in our horrible last 16 year cycle, she would become very exercised in her email about me cleaning my room.

All her other emails were one very cold abrupt sentence. But when Bill went to California one Christmas to be with his sister, I mentioned I had started to clean my room and she got very excited and involved.

Obviously I don’t believe our time in the world being an end when we leave it, because here I am now starting a new relationship with my mom and she is in Heaven. But if I did believe it the epitaph which I would choose for her would be “she always wanted me to clean my room.” That is where her real values were and so naturally I was always a failure as a daughter and human being in her eyes because I didn’t clean my room.

So I was very touched when she said “you will let me have a second chance because of your kindness and generosity.”

I guess in Heaven my mom is aware of and values other attributes in her daughter.

And after that I melted and we began to converse. We talked a long time about what had happened in the tv show I had just watched. I was dying to talk about it all with someone. My mother told me all her perceptions. That was very interesting. We had a wonderful gossip about it all.

It was the first time I had ever gossiped with my mother. In the world she had zero interest in that kind of thing. We never once talked about anyone. My brother had left his wife a few years ago and moved out and moved into his own apartment. And my mother had not even bothered to tell me.

I found out 3 months later by accident when I was talking to his wife (Betsy). That’s when I found out they separated and I thought she had thrown Jimmy out. I had no idea he had left her.

This is major family gossip! Nothing like this had ever happened in my family! How can my mother not mention it to me! Not even be willing to talk about it with me!

She was very close with my brother’s wife, Betsy, they had beautiful relationship, and they talked about it all the time. I guess my mom was encouraging her.

I guess my mom got thru those 16 years of making war on her daughter by being so close to her son and her daughter-in-law.

I always knew this was going on, but I was into unconditional love for her, I never let anything she did get to me. All I wanted to do and all I did do was to give her constant love.

I never put two and two together. I never realized the cold horrid emails to me were designed to show me how she felt about me, and when she would put in them such loving enthusiastic things about Betsy, expressing her love for Betsy, I never knew that was to dig at me more, she really was a manipulative bitch in every possible way. Altho thank god I never saw it at the time, because all I wanted to do was to give her love. And of course all the love I gave her saved me from everything. Nothing she did to get at me ever penetrated.

My constant unconditional love for her kept me in a cocoon. Plus I always had all the love of the Universe from my Higher Self, so my mother’s lack of love and understanding was more like a gnat flying into my face, she was just an irritant.

And maybe that bothered her, that everything she did to “get me,” didn’t get me, my flow of joyous love to her was never disrupted. She figured out how to get me in the end tho, she disinherited me, she took my share of my dad’s money and gave it to my brother. It was her final act, and by that she succeeded in doing what she had wanted to do for 16 years. She won the fight. And she destroyed our relationship, she made it crystal clear she was breaking up with me.

So you can see why, now that she is in Heaven and she realizes she made a huge mistake, she is not having such an easy time getting me back.

She is in Heaven now, she no longer needs my unconditional love. She has universes upon universes upon universes of unconditional love. She is drenched in love, she is enveloped in love, her life in Heaven is an incredible endless waterfall of love.

The 3rd conversation, how my mother got me back :

Of course I still love my mother, there is no way for me not to, she is my mother. And I am completely happy she has all this love and happiness now. It is everything I always wanted for her. For me it is a happy ending. My mother finally got everything I ever wanted for her and far far more.

But she no longer has her daughter. It never occurred to me I was depriving her of anything because she spent her whole time in the world making it clear she didn’t want me, that I had nothing to offer her. The idea that she wants me now perplexes me.

Because I am willing to let her go. But she has her heart set on getting me back. The last time I talked to her was yesterday afternoon. It was the 3rd time. And I was much rougher with her at the start of the conversation than I had been before. I had been rough with her at start of conversation the time before. I had said “OK you can have a second chance but don’t you pull any of your old shit on me now!” And I would not let her call me Annie at first either, my baby name, my family name. I said “maybe you should call me Mrs Pyne.”

But she persisted in wooing me. And we did spend 5 delightful hours conversing about everything under the sun.

Yesterday was the roughest I ever was at start of the conversation. I was so rough that I was sure there was no way to get over the hump, “What can she possibly do to get me over this hump? It is impossible.”

I had thrown it all in her face, everything she had done. What my friend Teresa calls “unburdening herself.” I had never done that before with anyone ever. I held nothing back. There was a long silence. And I thought “it is impossible, there is nothing she can do to get me back, it is impossible.” Altho I did know in Heaven all things are possible. I just could not see how she would do it.

It’s very interesting how she went about it and it WORKED!

The first thing she did was to divide up two eras.

The long era before she went to war with me— She said “you paint a blacker picture than it was. It wasn’t that I never loved you, our family just had regular ups and downs, we were a normal family. You just went thru what everyone in families goes thru. Your dad gave you so much love, I gave you so little, but it balanced out, it is like this in all families.

“If we had not had that war and I had not disinherited you, if everything had stayed the same, when I went to Heaven you would have chosen to forget the bad and just remembered the good and there was a lot of good.”

And she did go over everything she had given me, all the gifts. How she taught me to read, so I had all that joy of reading her favorite children’s books. How she had taught me to swim so I had all that joy of swimming.

And later when the conversation continued when we were in the swim pool, she pointed out she is the one who found Old Forge. She knew about it because her brother and sister had been counselors in a camp there. So it had been her idea from the time I was 3 months old to spend every summer there and to buy that little cottage.

She said “everyone else came to Old Forge, all Daddy’s sisters and their kids, because our family was already there. And then Daddy told his other school teacher friends and they came too. But I am the one who gave you your beloved Adirondacks.”

After that the fix was in. Because nothing made me happier than my summers in the Adirondacks.

She had started out the whole conversation by saying “I could not have been such a bad mother as you make out because you were such a happy girl. How could you have had such a happy childhood, such a happy early life, if I had been that bad a mother.”

She tried to remind me of some nice times we shared, she took me for ice cream soda at Woolworth’s after we went clothes shopping at Macys. But none of that really worked till she hit on the big bonanza, the Adirondacks. That was a great great great gift she gave me. I loved my summers in the Adirondacks, it was a gift from heaven.

When she began dividing up the two eras, she did admit how horrid she was in the second era. But again she changed the focus, so I could have a different way of seeing it.

She said “all you wanted was for me to be happy during those years after Leon went to Heaven,” and she pointed out how much I had given her.

She said “my big brother too wanted to take care of his baby sister after her husband went to Heaven, he had zero relationship with me my whole life, but Gus knocked himself out those last 16 years to give me everything.” (Gus is her big brother)

“Look how protected I was!” she said, “Gus was giving me everything! you were giving me everything! Jimmy was giving me everything. Every one of my family members was devoting themself to my happiness.”

Her point was basically that I had succeeded in what I had set out to do. If she had not denied herself the joy of loving her daughter for those l6 years, they could have been glorious 16 years. And apparently she was receptive enuf to my love and gifts, that taken in toto with what her brother and son were giving her, she actually did have a nice last 16 years. Her only lacks in it were what she deprived herself from and that I could do nothing about.

But it was nice to find out I had succeeded. The beautiful end to it. Her disinheriting me turned it all into a failure, but I think it really helped when she showed me it had not been failure.

It had been my deepest desire during those last 16 years to bring her happiness. And she did show me all the ways she had been happy, all the ways I had succeeded.

We had been lying in bed having this conversation. A few minutes later Bill said “get your swimsuit, I am taking you to the pool.”

But before we left for the pool she had said “I am your sister, Anne, now you have a sister, you never had a sister before, and I am expert at being a sister.”

It is true. The one my mom always loved best in the world was her big sister.

“I will make it up to you. There is a lot I can do for you. I can buy you lots and lots of treats, I can buy you presents, and I can help you get many of the things you want, I can help you have them.”

And she named some of the things I want and said how “she wants to help me have them and she can.”

We must have reached this point when I got in the car to go to the pool, because she was still saying to me “I am your sister, I love you” in my mind all the way to the pool.

Which she continued to say as I was swimming. And it was a short time after that in the pool that she reminded me the Adirondacks had been her gift to me. And that meant a lot. It sealed it.

When I first arrived at the pool the young lifeguard greeted me so warmly and said “you look pretty.” I realized my conversation with my mom was making me very happy. And it is true I arrived walking on air.

And she said “today is Mother’s Day, when you get back home order that pretty silk blouse you saw and that little summer dress, it is my mother’s day gift to you.” And I did come home and order them .

I have a hunch a real breakthru has happened. I think the next conversation with her we might take off where we left off. That awful hard hump for me to get over seems to be dissolved. It is certainly an incredible thing I am having a beautiful relationship with my mother now... and I can see how it will bring a lot of new joy into my life...

“What a great Mothers Day!” I thought.

the sweetest gift my mother ever gave me was to persevere in getting me back.
I can't tell you how happy it makes me to love my mother again...

The Second Chance

2010-05-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

wonderful photos of desert wildflowers taken today by Rusty Storbeck

Saturday May 8 2010 7:33 am

The birds are chirping and singing. This is the spring of the incredible bird whistles, chirps, song. I don’t know when I began to notice it, maybe a month ago.

Every morning I listen to it. It is so alive and joyous. It encourages me so much. No matter what thoughts are floating around in my mind, pestering me like gnats, just at the point when they start getting me down, comes this incredible sound of the birds chirping.

And I switch the attunement of my mind to that sound. Move it away from the pesky thoughts, just tune into that loud whistling birds chirping. And it lifts me up, it stabilizes me. Instead of thinking “I hate my life,” I think “all is right with the world.” Somehow it brings in a good focus, the focus of where I want to be. I guess it brings in flooding happiness in its wake.

Last evening I found a long email from my friend Sue, my best friend from college. It is the first email I have ever gotten from her. She is telling me about her life now. She has left her home to stay with her mom in another town in California to take care of her mom. I guess it has been 6 months. She says “I have only been home twice since I came here, once for a week, and once for 4 and a half days.”

Sue has been a body worker or massage therapist for past 30 years, so she does her body work on her mom all day, and the result is her mom is able to sleep comfortably all night. Her daughter is a big help to her.

I found every word in Sue’s email fascinating and it gave me so much to think about. Because my mom went to Heaven last September I am in a different chapter in my relationship with my mom now. She is in Heaven now and because I can communicate with anyone in Heaven I have had several long conversations with her. She is deeply sorry for how she treated me when she was in the world, and she wants me to forgive her. She wants to make it up to me, she wants to be friends with me now.

I have been willing to listen to her but I have not warmed up to her yet. My attitude is “you never liked me before, you placed zero value on our relationship, and you were perfectly horrid to me for the last 16 years you were in the world, why the sudden change of heart! How come now you want me, and you never wanted me before, when I wanted you with all my heart and turned myself inside out to have friendship and relationship with you!”

Her response to this is to sweet-talk me. She, who never once sweet-talked me when she was in the world, just wants to sweet-talk me now that she is in Heaven.

She says “I know I can count on your kindness and generosity Anne, I want to be friends with you now, and you will let me.”

She is right of course, I will let her.

It is just taking a little time to get over a hump. The hump is there has been no history of her being nice to me, of her liking me, of her being friendly and loving to me. So I simply have no way of seeing her as friendly loving person. If that side of her exists she never showed it to me when she was in the world.

She must have showed it to my father, else how could she have had a loving devoted husband. She must have showed it to her friends, else how could she have loving good friends. She just never showed it to me.

Altho since she has been in Heaven she has been unfailingly nice, kind, loving, patient, understanding with me. She has been the opposite of how she was to me when she was in the world. And maybe when I get enough experience of her this new way, I will see her in this new way.

But so far we have only had 3 long conversations. I will have to give her more chances to be close to me. That is what she wants, to be close to me now. And yes she does have to earn it now, because she rejected it and spurned it and treated it as no value the whole time it was offered to her when she was in the world.

I am not being punitive to be so reluctant to offer it to her now. She just has to demonstrate she is a different person now, she is someone who really wants it now. The ball is really in her court. She can have it but it is up to her, she will have to work for it now.

What is so interesting is getting this email from Sue and then having these thoughts about me and my mom now, because what is going on in Sue’s life now is the last chapter of her mom in the world. And from the world’s point of view that is the last chapter of the book, after that comes finis, the end. But from my point of view, it is only the last chapter of the first saga in book, next chapter is life in Heaven and the relationship continues.

I can’t explain what I mean very well. It’s funny Linda Feldman’s mother went to Heaven when Linda was 35 and I was 30, and Linda’s mom’s last words to her were “do your homework.” And I never knew what she meant but now I do. I know exactly what Ethel was trying to communicate to Linda.

Ethel must have been aware in that last day in the world how life does continue in Heaven, so it is like cramming for a test, you don’t do any work all semester, so then you have to stay up all night and teach yourself the whole course the night before the test.

Ethel knew life continued in Heaven so she wanted to make everything right now, before she left, so nothing would have to be done when she got to Heaven. This is why she told her daughter Linda “start doing your homework now.” So Linda would not have to do all that at the last minute.

My mom did not choose to make anything right before she left. I guess she had no idea life continues. I have a beautiful close relationship with my dad in Heaven, and I would have that with her too, but she screwed up when she was in the world and has to set things straight now.

Altho it’s possible if she had not succeeded in revenging herself on me while she was in the world for the grievances she held against me, that would be even worse. At least she is totally freed of her desire for pay-back. She did pay me back, she disinherited me.

To not be finally free from it would be the absolute worst. For the last 16 years of her time in the world she ruined her own life by doing pay back on her daughter. But she didn’t get it completely out of her system till she disinherited me.

If that is what it took to finally free her from it, it is far better she be free of it. Let the girl have perfect peace now. Altho there is something awful about her last act in the world making it perfectly clear to me she doesn’t love me. No wonder now that she is in Heaven and realizes she made a huge mistake she wants this chance to undo her mistake. And yes I will give her that chance.

So you can understand why from my point of view, getting Sue's email last night and realizing it is her mom’s last year in the world, I see that last year as the chance to take care of any unfinished business, anything she had not made right before, now is the time to make it right. Now is the time to accomplish anything she wants to accomplish. Why arrive in Heaven with any unfinished business!

Annie Get Your Gun

2010-04-19T13:07:00.001-07:00

An April desert wild flower (photo by Rusty Storbeck)
Rusty sent me this email along with his photos he took of the wildflowers
Hi Anne, I thought you and Billy would like these since they're all wild desert flora.
The flowers themselves are all smaller than or about the same size as your fingernail.
The colors in the mauve flower are amazing to me.
All the best,
Rusty

I think I know the flower Rusty photo-ed. One bloomed in my own backyard yesterday. I was so excited to see it. It is so lovely in real life. but very very tiny. All you see is a pale mauve. I didn't know it had all these other colors. Rusty's photos are breathtaking

Update to story today April 19, 2010
I wrote this story two years ago. So it is about my life then. I wrote it in the morning, that evening was the first meeting of my Ron Paul Liberty Caucus at Cody's Steak House, I was giggling because the email inviting me said "turn in your gun when you enter the restaurant."
The story tells why I wasn't going to the meeting, Bill was going to the movies with Alice and I didn't want to leave my dog Beanie at home alone.
When Bill got home from the movies he told me about the wonderful basset hound in the movie he saw. it made him so happy.
It was a month after our lovely Lulu had gone to Heaven.
So I wrote in next morning's epilogue I wished I had seen the movie, so I could have joy at seeing a basset hound again, instead of wincing about Lulu
It took a little while for my wish to come true. But it has
one of the pet food commercials on tv now has a basset who looks identical to Lulu, it is Lulu, she is my wonderful Lulu.
It is my favorite thing on all of tv when that commercial comes on, and I watch Lulu follow the man into the house for her food, and be so happy eating her food.
It is the triumph of love.
Just as our desert sun comes out and evaporates all the raindrops, my tremendous love for Lulu has evaporated the tears in my heart, now is all just joyous love.
It is nice to get beautiful mauve wildflowers on email from Rusty the same day I am celebrating my joyous love for Lulu
So here is the story I wrote 2 years ago, it's crazy but ...

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 7:20 am
Annie Get Your Gun

Well this evening, at 6 pm at Cody’s Steak House, is our first meeting of the Liberty Caucus. This means all the Ron Paul PCs plus all the other Ron Paul people, to have our first strategy session. Our goal is liberty and peace. This meeting was planned a month ago and I have been planning all month to go to it. But yesterday evening I realized I can’t go. LOL there is a scheduling conflict.

Bill has been going to movies all year at the dollar theater. And at first, when he loved a movie and wanted to share it with me so he could have someone to talk about it with, I would go with him. He would see it for a second time and take me. And I actually broke out of my routine and went to 4 movies with him that first month. Two of which I loved, one was pleasant but forgettable, and one I found peculiar. And then I never went back to the movies with him.

So when he saw a great movie he thought Jim would love he tried to take Jim to the movies with him.

Jim is Bill’s friend and my angel. During the era of my big emergencies (thank God that era is over!) when my big emergencies came it was Jim who saved me. And he does it with no fanfare. In such a relaxed casual way. He takes it in stride and does it with such grace and so perfectly. And for me they were major emergencies. It’s as if my house were on fire and I called Jim up and said “Jim my house is on fire can you come over and put it out.”

And he says “I’ll be right over, and Anne do you have any maple syrup, I made pancakes for my mom and I am out of maple syrup.”

“Yes” I say “I have delicious maple syrup, I bought it a Trader Joes, it is real maple syrup.”

So then Jim arrives instantly, casually dispatches the fire in 5 minutes, my wonderful angel. Completely unfazed about the nature of my emergency. Takes it all in stride, treats it as perfectly natural.

And then when I am collapsed in relief, wanting to kiss his toes, he has saved me-- as he is getting into his car to go home he reminds me about the maple syrup. I go to the cupboard to hand it to him.

“I will return it in 15 minutes” he tells me.

“Forget about it!” I say. “Keep it! Look what you just did for me, you saved me!” And Jim acts like I have done him the favor, he is so appreciative about the maple syrup. He’s a great friend. I am lucky to have him.

But ever since his mom went to Heaven last year— Jim had been taking care of her, she couldn’t get out of bed, he did everything for her, bathed her, did her hair, cooked delicious food for her—

Jim’s whole life now is the trauma and drama of his car breaking down. For the past months it has broken down in traffic 3 times a week, we received so many SOS calls.

“Can Bill come and pick me up, I am stranded and in midtown traffic. And I’m not going to wait around in this heat for tow truck to come for my car and take it to the garage, the tow truck can find it by itself.”

And then of course Bill had to take Jim to his bank when his car was at the shop. Jim has a credit card with bank that you pay no interest if you pay it by the deadline, but if it is one day late, it is 30 per cent interest. So naturally Jim wanted Bill to take him to the bank before it closed that last day.

I don’t know why Jim’s life has this constant non-stop drama. Even when he finally rented a car (he couldn’t bear it all that time stranded at home) his cigar ash made a hole in the upholstery. And he called Bill to pick him up at the car upholsters shop on 22nd Street, so they could fix it before he turned in the rental car, else Jim would pay a fortune.

For the first time Jim has free time, before that he could not leave his mom at home alone. So when Bill calls up and invites him to the movies, Jim says yes. But he doesn’t take into account how chaotic his life is now.

When evening comes he just wants to plotz on the sofa in front of the tv, smoke his cigars, hang out with his cat, and watch his favorite shows. He completely forgets he told Bill he would go to the movies with him on Tuesday night.

So for a whole year, week after week, Jim would say yes, he will go to movie with Bill on Tuesday when it is a dollar. And it has been a whole year of Bill looking forward to sharing a favorite movie with Jim. Bill is excited about it and plans about it all week, saying how much Jim will love the movie and the parts Jim will like best, and why it is Jim’s type of movie.

But when I call up the evening before, Jim has forgotten all about the movie date and always has a reason why he can't go. I understand so I always made it easy for him to say no.

But last evening when Jim called, I slipped up.

It was because 3 things were happening at once. Jim said “are you going to your Ron Paul meeting at Cody’s Steak House tomorrow?”

I said “Jim, I don’t know what to do. Bill has been trying to get someone to go to the movies with him for a year. I won’t go, I like to stay home and watch TV. You don’t like to go to the movies. And Bill has a date to see a movie with Alice tomorrow.”

Jim instantly said “I love going to the movies.”

I said “O, are you going to see Iron Man with Bill tomorrow?”

Jim had told Bill he wanted to see Iron Man with him on Tuesday. So the plan had been Bill and Jim would see Iron Man at 3 pm. Then he would meet Alice in the lobby right afterward and treat her to The Fall, the art movie Bill saw few nights ago which he loved loved loved.

Jim had already completely forgotten he had said he’d see Iron Man with Bill.

I was so focused on “how can I go to the meeting at Cody’s,” and my huge joy that Alice was actually going to movie with Bill, he was so thrilled about it— that when I remembered about Bill and Jim seeing Iron Man together first, I said “O Jim are you going to Iron Man with him?”

He said “I can’t afford it.”

In the past whatever reason Jim gave, I knew it was cause he didn’t want to go. But I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I said “it is just a dollar and Bill will treat you.”

So Jim had to think of another reason. “But I will want popcorn and the popcorn is expensive.”

By then it clicked into place that Jim just didn’t want to go. Which was fine. Alice had already emailed that it was very sweet of Bill to offer to take her to the movies and she will meet him at 4:45 in the lobby.

Bill was excited out of his mind. He kept saying to me, “it is an art film, and it is far more interesting than Iron Man anyway. And Alice will love it, she is an artist. And she does film for Access TV Tucson, it is right up her alley.”

I was so happy Bill was happy. It had been a year of frustration, trying to find someone to go to the movies with him. He was so cute about it.

“I am going out on a date” he said when I told him Alice emailed back yes she will go.

“I am going out on a date with a girl” he said.

“I have a date with a girlfriend.”

Then because he remembered he was talking to his wife, he said “I have a date with a friend.”

And Alice was actually touched Bill had invited her.

So you can see why when I remembered 10 minutes before Jim called last evening, that it was the same night and the same time as my Liberty Ron Paul meeting at Cody’s restaurant, I knew I would give up my meeting.

Because neither Bill nor I would want to leave Beanie alone for 4 hours in the evening. It is still too soon after Lulu went to Heaven. Beanie is not used to being all alone in the house. It is OK when Bill and I go swimming and shopping in the morning, since Beanie is up all night, that is when he goes under Bill’s bed and has his real sleep.

But I’m not ready yet to leave him alone in the house for a whole evening, when he is so wide awake, and he is used to watching Beverly Hillbillies with me or Andy Griffith, or lying on my toes while I am at the computer.

He is used to being doted on, and having love and companionship. If I went to the meeting by myself and Bill was home, he would just hang out with Bill, sit next to him while Bill did his Sumi drawings at the art table, go in with him while Bill watched a game on TV.

But it will be dark outside. There could be thunder, we are in monsoon season, or fireworks. Both of which scare Beanie, and both of which we get every evening.

Having his big sister Lulu gave him total security, plus companionship. I don’t know how Beanie feels about not having Lulu. And Bill and I never talk about our feelings about it either. I try not to think about it because each time I remember her last days, a big welling hurt arises up from my heart and takes over my mind.

There’s nothing I can do but instantly snuggle into the warm heart of my Higher Self, and allow Her to envelop me with love, and switch my mind to treats, “would I like a soda? would I like a chocolate bar?”

It doesn’t do me any good to dwell on my feelings. I can only hope time will work its magic, all wounds heal with time.

And I secretly wonder now if all our doting on Beanie now, both Bill and me doting on him, is one of the ways we are healing ourselves about Lulu. There is something about giving love which is very healing.

It does seem the more love we give Beanie, and we have been giving him constant undivided love, that in fact Bill and I have been very happy during this month after losing Lulu. We have both managed to stay high and happy.

Altho I bet Bill too has that same stabbing hurt I do when he remembers, and like me, tries to work himself out of it as fast as he can. I don’t know? We don’t confide this at all to each other. Amazingly and miraculously, all we are bringing to each other is our happiness, and of course our shared love for Beanie.

We never mention Lulu’s name yet. No matter what topic we talk about, somehow it begins and ends with Beanie, Beanie always gets in there. It helps our heart, expressing our shared love for Beanie.

So you can see why, when I realized 10 minutes before Jim called last evening, that the meeting was same time Bill and Alice are going to the movies, I knew I wouldn’t go to the meeting. I wouldn’t leave Beanie alone for 4 hours. I wasn’t 100 percent decided when Jim called, I might have still been trying to strategize in my mind how to work it out.

Jim is very serious about me showing up at all the Ron Paul meetings, because I became a PC (Precinct Committeeman) because of him. He changed his voter registration so he could sign my petition to run for PC, and vote for me. And he helped me get the signatures. And when I was thinking of not showing up that Saturday morning for first meeting of PCs in my District, Jim said “you have to go, that is why we elected you into Office.”

Jim doesn’t fully understand that only people in my District will have my name on the ballot in the Primary on September 2nd. And he has been campaigning for me at the Racquet Club, telling everyone to vote for me. He calls me up with glee and says “Sally says she will vote for you,” and wants to hear what I am doing about my campaign.

We had had a long talk on phone when I first got the notice about the strategy meeting at Cody’s Steak House on July 29th.

Jim said “I know Cody’s, it’s by the Club, on the other side of Country Club Road on Fort Lowell Drive.”

I said “The email notice says because Cody serves alcohol, I will not be able to bring my gun into the restaurant.”

I found this such a riot. That the email notice which went out to all the Ron Paul people warned us we will have to hand in our guns before we enter the restaurant.

“LOL” I said, “I don’t have a gun, I have never even seen a gun. I have never even handled a gun. It would be such a trip for me to hand in my gun before I can set foot in the restaurant.”

“You can borrow mine,” Jim said helpfully.

“Well, maybe” I said. “I guess it would be an experience for me to hand in my gun.”

He said “But it is fully loaded and on fast action trigger. Be very careful. If you so much as breathe on it, it will go off.”

I said “I’m not borrowing your gun. It’s not worth it. I don’t want to accidentally shoot it just cause I handle it wrong.”

“I’ll drive you to the meeting” Jim said. “I’ll just go to the Club for swim and steam bath, since it is around the corner.”

“I’ll only stay for an hour, you can take me home then.”

“No!” he said, “we did all this to get you elected, you have to stay for the whole meeting, it is an important meeting.”

“OK” I said, “then I’ll call Bill and have him take me home.”

So these were the plans Jim and I made on the phone 3 weeks ago about the meeting. Bill didn’t even know about the meeting. I don’t think Bill is vitally interested in me being part of the Ron Paul Liberty Caucus in Tucson and PC in my district. But Jim is.

In fact Jim still thinks we will succeed in getting Ron Paul on the ballot for President. “I won‘t vote at all” he told me “unless you succeed in getting Ron Paul on the ballot.”

Ron Paul actually withdrew few weeks ago, but I don’t have the heart to tell Jim, since he thinks that is one of the things I will accomplish, making Ron Paul our President.

And I certainly can understand why Jim is so gung-ho and determined that I show up at every possible meeting. He thinks it is all about making Ron Paul our President, and I would be too if it was about that.

But Ron Paul is no longer a candidate, altho I didn’t have the heart to tell Jim that. It was too dear to me to see that hope alive in Jim’s mind, it meant too much to me. There was a time when I believed heart and soul Ron Paul would be our President. And I still remember how glorious that was for me, to live in that hope and expectation. If Jim still has it, I won’t dash it.

So you can understand how peculiar my phone call with Jim was last evening. He called because his friend had given him a whole bunch of Mexican shrimp cocktail and he was offering some to me and Bill, he said it is too much for him to eat. It is Jim’s favorite food in the whole world, he used to drive to Mexico to order it. It is very inexpensive in the restaurant down there and they give you a lot.

I was very grateful Jim wanted to share some with us, and said he would bring it over tomorrow morning. “It sounds delicious, Jim” I said, “thank you.”

From that we got into the movies.

I said “Bill and Alice are going to the movies together tomorrow. It is an art film. Bill is so happy.”

“I know” Jim said, “Alice told me at the club.”

“I’m not going” I said, “I don’t like going to the movies.”

“Alice thinks you are going to the movie too, she thinks it is Bill and you and her.”

I had no idea Alice thought I was going. In my email to Alice I said “Bill invited both of us, but I like to watch movies on tv at home with Beanie, and does Alice want to go.”

I said to Jim, “I had completely forgotten that tomorrow night is the night of the meeting at Cody’s Steak House at 6 pm. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave the dog alone.”

“That’s OK dogs don’t mind being left alone, I'll drive you to the meeting.”

“OK” I said, “then I’ll call Bill and he can pick me up.”

And then we went back to talking about the shrimp cocktail and how Jim will bring it over this morning. And I thought what a great gift that is! And I thanked Jim for it with all my heart.

I wanted to tell Bill that Jim is not going to see Iron Man with him so he shouldn’t plan on that, and also about the shrimp cocktail, but he was outside reading. It had finally turned cool enough to be outside.

And then I took Beanie in for Beverly Hillbillies. But first I asked my Higher Self what I should do about tomorrow.

And She said “You can’t go to the meeting, Bill will not want Beanie left alone for 4 hours at night, and I don’t want him to give up the movie with Alice, his happiness matters. This is just the first strategy meeting, there will be many more. It is OK to miss the first meeting, you can go to all the others. Just make sure next time you keep in mind what day it is, so you don’t make this mistake again.”

That conversation was helpful. Because before it I kept trying to figure out ways to work it out. How the movie date could happen, I could go to meeting, and cut down on time Beanie will be left alone. But it was so crystal clear what my Higher Self said: “No meeting! there will be many more! you stay home with Beanie!”

So when Bill came inside I told him all of it. “Jim won’t go to Iron Man, he says the popcorn is too expensive, and tomorrow is my meeting but I’m not going, I don’t want to leave Beanie alone, I will go to all the other meetings. And Jim is bringing us delicious Mexican shrimp cocktail. His friend gave it to him and there is too much.”

So Bill said “Fine!” He was happy about everything.

He said “if Jim doesn’t want to go to Iron Man then I will go to Kit Kittredge, An American Girl before I meet Alice for the art movie. I never saw that movie, so I will get to see a movie I never saw, which will be fun for me. I just hope it doesn’t make me sad. ”

So that is all our plans for today. And why I won’t have to turn in my gun at the meeting of the Ron Paul Liberty Caucus first strategy session at Cody’s Steak House on Fort Lowell and Country Club road this evening at 6 pm.

Epilogue, the next day

Bill said Alice loved the movie. It was filmed all over the world, and Alice had lived in all those places. Part was filmed in Turkey and Alice had lived in Turkey.

And Bill loved Kit Kittredge, An American Girl. And it sounds like a movie I would love too. A girl living in Cincinnati during the Depression, and she wants to be a reporter.

There is a big fat basset hound with a sign in front of her, “I am hungry. Please adopt me. My family can’t afford to feed me anymore. I need a home.”

And it is the fattest basset hound in world, she looks like she never missed a meal, like she has 10 meals a day.

And Kit adopts her. In fact movie ends, the happy ending, the last frame is Kit with her wonderful (fat) basset hound.

Now I understand why Bill was afraid to see the movie, afraid it would make him sad. Our Lulu is basset hound. We can’t even think about basset hounds now without stab of hurt.

But I guess the basset hound in this movie did a miracle for Bill. Each time we would think “what would be the best second dog for Beanie?” my Higher Self would suggest another basset. I was willing to overcome my feelings, because I simply do whatever my Higher Self said.

But I sure understood it when Bill said “no.”

“Because of Lulu?” I whispered.

“Yes” he said.

But after this movie he came home and said, “the perfect dog for Beanie is a basset hound. I watched her fat happy face all thru the movie. A basset is so gentle and docile, she won’t care that Beanie bosses her around. She will just be so happy to be fed all her treats.”

Maybe I should go see this movie too. It would help me also to be able to see a basset hound without wincing. To just be happy loving the wonderful basset. To remember the sublime joy bassets bring.

LOL Bill said ‘Kit Kittredge’ is a children’s movie, he sat in a movie theater filled with parents taking their children to it. I guess Kit is a young girl, still living with her family.

LOL breaking news update 8 PM evening April 19 2010 Jim just called. Tomorrow is Tuesday. He is going to see "Wolfman" with Bill tomorrowl. The era of miracles has started!

Chit-chatting with my Higher Self

2010-04-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

some of the true rugged beauty of the desert (photo by Rusty Storbeck)
I love this photo by Rusty

March 18, 2010

My own experience of life is that time can cause me to forget my feelings. But time is not sufficient for me to change them. Underneath-- the original perception which caused all the feelings, has not changed.

What brings true healing is when I bring it all to my Higher Self, who gives me a totally different way to interpret everything which happened. Then my perception changes, and the new perception brings me peace.

Time, just by itself is like a scab which grows over where a thorn had gone in. What my Higher Self does is gently peel back the scab and remove the thorn.

Sweet and instant perfect healing takes place.

It goes beyond that even, because it is heaven to be perfectly understood. By the time it is over I could care less what I thought had been done to me. I am just lost in the joy of divine understanding.

I find it so interesting to be perfectly understood. And it helps me understand myself.

I realize now that before I had my Higher Self I did not understand one single thing about myself. LOL I was unfathomable to myself.

And sometimes it cracks me up what my Higher Self says. There is nothing funnier than to laugh at myself.

One long hot summer afternoon soon after we moved to Tucson, Bill was at art school, I was trapped in the house by the heat. I had no friends, I was not on email or computer. No one called on the phone. I didn’t have cable TV, there was nothing to watch. I was bored to tears.

So I would just lie on my bed and chit-chat with my Higher Self. I would remember things from my past which had upset me and bring them to her. And one afternoon I asked her about Tony and Muffin.

Tony had been a boyfriend I had when I was nineteen, I had a big crush on him, and he was my first lover. Then he met my new roommate Muffin and went somewhere with her and never came back.

I moved back home the next day and never saw either of them again.

Although two years later when I first began living with Alan in the East Village, he told me he had bumped into Muffin and Tony in the street and they are living in a loft in SoHo. So I guess they stayed a couple forever.

I said to my Higher Self “I will never forgive Tony for jilting me for Muffin.”

I was still mad about it all these years later even tho I had forgotten about it.

But my Higher Self had whole different take on it.

“You and Tony did favors for each other,” she said.

“What favor did Tony do for me?” I asked.

“He introduced you to sex,” she said.

“What favor did I do for Tony?”

“You introduced him to Muffin," she said.

And I laughed for twenty minutes. It tickled my funny bone so much. It changed forever how I saw it all. Now I saw it the way my Higher Self did.

That’s when I discovered how much fun it can be to bring things to my Higher Self to get her take on it.

It was so much fun to laugh at myself.

For sure it is the funniest thing anyone ever said to me and what makes it even funnier is everything my Higher Self said is true.

Is it possible the truth is by definition a riot? Or is it just that we humans are a riot as we plotz along in life from one scraped knee to another.

“Show me your booboo” our Higher Self says “and I will kiss it and make it better.”

And so we bring our scraped knee to her.

It doesn’t always lead to me laughing uproariously on my bed. But it does always lead to quiet happy peace.

LOL it cannot be denied our Higher Self is a trip!!!

Awake Before Dawn

2010-03-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

who'd a thunk tumbleweed is so pretty and colorful
photos of tumbleweed on desert by Rusty Storbeck
I wrote the below little story at 4:44 am (back in May 2008)
and an hour later I sent it on email to Eddie, Helen's big brother
with the below little note
Eddie, like my husband Bill, does not have a New Age bone in his body
but who cares! I adore Eddie, both Ed and Bill are such sweethearts

even tho Eddie does not buy into the New Age one iota, his emails back to me always make me laugh and make me happy

Below story is Eddie's email back to me after reading it

Hi Eddie
This tiny story is about an off-kilter moment in time, written when I was off-kilter. and is an off-kilter story.
I got up and wrote it at 4 am this morning, simply because it was too uncomfortable just lying in bed.
Love and kisses, Annie

4:33 AM May 7,2008
Awake Before Dawn

It is still pitch dark out there. I guess I woke up two hours before dawn. When I woke up I thought it was the middle of the night and I planned to go back to sleep.

Obviously a new galactic energy packet must have arrived the evening before last. Because suddenly out of nowhere I was very thirsty, then very hot, then I wanted to collapse on the bed.

I don’t remember what happened after that. I must have fallen asleep and woke up in middle of night very uncomfortable. And finally drank hot milky fresh coffee, buttered toast, and watched a movie on tv. And relaxed and fell back asleep.

But yesterday I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t go swimming. I did not set one foot out of the house, except into my back yard. Altho I felt fine when I sat down at computer and began to work. The concentration of editing my story I wrote on Friday, seemed to help me. I like doing all that work.

Then in the late afternoon the weather changed to totally stormy. I could not believe it when I went into my backyard and looked up at that stormy sky. And all the cold air it brought in with it. I watched tv in the evening and then fell out as I was waiting for a show to come on. When I awoke in middle of night, I realized I had missed the show.

In the evening I answered the emails I had found in the morning when I woke up. They had been written the night before. And Nancy Cantor said about returning home bone-tired in the evening, and Jan had said almost the same thing. And when Jim had called me in the afternoon, I said “I didn’t go swimming today, I decided to stay home.” And he said “me too, I am tired today.”

And suddenly I put it all together, and realized a new energy packet had arrived on our planet, else why were we all plotzing!

And so this morning I opened up the email I had gotten from a girl who channels Divine Mother. I had requested to be on her email list and to read her newsletter.

“I think I’ll read it,” I thought, “something must be going on.”

And sure enough Divine Mother said “this is a very intense time on your planet, but be assured all is well, this is the moment you were born for.”

Which I found very reassuring to read. It is very encouraging, when your mind feels too intense and your body is plotzing, to read “this is the moment you were born for.”

What would we do without the New Age! There is too much discomfort to keep lying in bed. Either I am coughing or gagging, or want to throw up. I am a girl who really needs to hear “this is the moment you were born for.” Otherwise I would think “I am a mess.”

It is a few minutes before 5 am. And the first light has come into the sky. And I don’t think the morning doves went to sleep at all. I hear them calling loudly now, but I heard them calling as soon as I woke up.

Hahaha, maybe they too are having the moment they were born for. They were too uncomfortable in their nest to fall back asleep.

instant I finished writing this, I emailed it to Eddie, who instantly emailed me back this, I loved his email
me too.
tossed&turned last night.
new age?
or 2 much to drink & eat
at jamaica jews birthday
celebration for israel.
yeah,
i think it is the latter.
but either/or
i tossed & turned.
x
eddie

A New Way to Think

2008-12-30T21:51:00.000-08:00

Chamisa, a desert shrub, photo by Rusty Storbeck
I wonder if Chamisa is same as Desert Broom, which is all over my yard
Tuesday December 30 2008 9:06 morning
I try to keep my mind off it

What strange dreams I had before I woke up. A man I was going to kiss didn't want to kiss me. I kept putting my face and lips up ready to be kissed but his lips never met mine. I did it 3 times and then realized he didn't want to.

In another dream, there were children trying to sneak into a movie theater. I took the little boy in but wondered if I should bring him to a childrens section, I remembered children like to talk during movies.

Also I wondered if his tiny little sister will find him. "She will" he kept saying "and this is fine."

I tried to find him a good seat, I didn't know where he wanted to sit. The movie theater was huge, one of those old fashioned kinds I went to as kid.

In another dream I was at hotel resort, and I noticed a school bus was there.

"Of course" I said to the person I was with, "it is the end of school year, it is May, they bring children on outings."

"It is not May" the person said, "it is March, it is middle of school year."

All the dreams were like this. There were many many dreams. It was one crummy dream after another. Either I was wrong or everything went wrong, nothing went right.

The mind is certainly creative tho. It was like someone set the dial to "and now let's have lousy dreams," and a cornucopia of lousy dreams came forth. So many variations on the theme. It was effortless, all the different plots with same theme.

I don't know why I was sent such crummy dreams. Yesterday morning Frank, the mechanic, called with the horrible news about the car repair bill.

"You need a new clutch" Frank said, “it is $900."

I said "but you just put in a brand new clutch 2 years ago today, it was $900 then, it is not logical I need a new one so fast, the old one lasted for 16 years."

"OK" Frank said, "I'll look deeper, maybe I can find the problem."

And I said "thank you."

And while I was in the swimming pool right afterward (Bill took me to Jerry's pool, so we had full benefit of the flawless beautiful blue sky and glorious brilliant sunshine) and of course when my swim started, I was having conversation after conversation with Frank in my mind.

I really didn't want to pay that $900 again so soon. I was distressed about it in my mind. But then very shortly into this, on the 3rd lap, I made a very unusual decision for myself.

I decided I would not think about it. I wanted to be happy and to have my peace and I did not want my mind bothered with it.

I actually did not see any good it would do me to have my mind bothered about it. (For first time in my life I actually saw how worrying does not accomplish anything, it does not bring you what you want, it just gets you hot and bothered.)

I had told Frank what I wanted, I wanted him to fix it. And on the car ride over to pool, I told the Universe what I wanted, I wanted him to fix it perfectly and do it for free (I didn't mention that to Frank).

And after my 3rd lap I decided to just turn it over to God. "Let go, and let God" I said to myself. I wanted to take my mind off it. At first I thought it was impossible for me to do that, there was no way I could do it.

But to my surprise-- I said to myself "Let go and let God" for nearly my whole swim-- and the result is I did not think about it my whole swim, and I did not think about it my whole day.

Occasionally, maybe 20 times, but not more, it crept back into my mind during a tv commercial, but I said "Let go and let God" and it went right out again. It was a grand experiment for me.

I knew whatever outcome happened and the outcome is in the future, right now this very minute, in my now, it was up to me to decide where my mind would be.

And I decided it was worth the effort to try to keep it out of my mind, because I thought if I can accomplish this now, then I can do it with other things, it means I won't always have a distressed mind when things go wrong, or when there is a possible outcome I won't like.

In a way I saw the whole thing in a new light. I thought "if it hadn't been the truck which plotzed, it would have been something else." That somehow I am meant to have this learning experience now, to have this challenge, this problem to solve, because if I can do it, it will be liberating for me.

My old habit, of just worrying about something until the outcome is decided, altho that had seemed the only way before, now it did not seem the only way. I wanted to try this alternative way. Not to think about it at all, be happy, until the outcome arrives and then deal with it whatever it is.

I wondered where it came from, the idea to worry at something the whole time. And I remembered in one of the Letters from God, God called it a "fascination". He said "it's as if you have a sore tooth, your tongue will always go there, it fascinates you."

And I wondered if that was the pull to worry and have all these imaginary conversations and fights, it fascinated me.

But I didn't want to be in the fascination. I realized I could see it so clearly, two opposite roads ahead of me. I could have my own happy life back, be as happy as if the outcome had gone my way; or I could have fascination, get all worked up in my imaginary conversations with Frank. I started to have 3 of them while I watched tv and I noticed how instantly they got me all worked up, and I did not want to be all worked up.

So we will see what happens. At least I am more interested right at this instant in this adventure, of what it is like and will be like to put it all out of my mind.

I find it more interesting and suspenseful than the outcome about the repair bill. It is really interesting and suspenseful for me because I have never done this before, and never thought I could, not even thought of doing this.

It is an alternative which never came into my mind before, and so far I like it. I had a really nice day yesterday, I did not let it ruin my day. And who knows, I may have an even nicer day today? I don't know?

Sure I can say "waking up after all crummy dreams where everything goes wrong, does not bode well for having a wonderful day."

But I am beginning to realize I don't know anything. I might have had all those crummy dreams in a row, because each time during yesterday, when a thought of what could go wrong for me in the car repair bill outcome, I chased it out of my mind.

And maybe when something is nipped in the bud like that, and I did nip them all in the bud, then when you go to sleep they finish their flowering, a hundred dreams of things going wrong. But so what! Maybe this is how it gets out of my system.

Yes of course I have to be vigilant, I see that. If I let down my guard for one instant, if I let myself just relax and let my mind wander, I will go back to the fascination.

But so what! The first time for anything takes a lot of effort, it is not a habit, the habit is the other way, and it is natural I would fall into an old habit before a new habit is developed. But at least I am trying to develop a new habit, to change an old way.

Do you know there are big fat quail in my yard right now, with that red helmet and top plume coming out. I guess that huge bag of dietetic dry dog food, that Jack, my neighbor next door (Caren's brother), gave us because his dog, Sweet Pea, wouldn't eat it.

"But we don't want it" I said to Bill when he brought it into the house.

"I didn't want to hurt his feelings" Bill said.

It sat in our living room so long, but few days before Christmas I poured it into my yard and the birds are crazy about it. There are 5 huge big wonderful big fat quail in a row, all lined up, eating it now, and now a 6th one arrived. This is a wonderful happy miracle. I am crazy about quail.

Talking to my cousin John on the phone and in spirit..

2008-12-17T22:16:00.000-08:00

I wonder if this is chamisa too, first putting out its yellow bud
photo by Rusty Storbeck on the desert
December 9, 2008, 8:10 am
A Giant Wind Blew Last night

There was a giant wind in the night. I woke up in middle of night briefly for few minutes and walked out my backdoor into my kitchen door, and experienced its blowiness.

It certainly blew out all the clouds which had gathered all day long yesterday. The morning was wonderful blue sky and delicious warm sunshine, but by noon the clouds started to gather and gathered all day.

But big wind blew all night, and it is crystalline blue sky this morning. And when the Sun rises high enough to be seen it will be wonderful and bright.

I can see some clouding rose above the mountains to the north, but I think this strong wind still blowing, but not the powerhouse it was in the night, will dispatch all clouds. It's as if storms keep trying to arrive and wind blows them all out quickly.

My big cousin John called from San Francisco last night. I was so pleasantly surprised to hear from him. I had called and left message on his machine "would he be kind enough to give me report about New York visit."

But I am not very in tune with my cousin's life, I did not know whether he would call back or not, his life seems to be very busy. So I had tried to call my cousin Goldi first. It seemed like an intimate thing to talk about, all our family back in New York at a time like this, I thought Goldi would have a lot to say, and I wanted to hear all of it. But her phone number didn't work, and after I tried it twice, I called John and left message asking him to call me back.

And to my great surprise he did call back later at night. Bill was the one who answered the phone, I had actually dozed off in the middle of a TV show, I did not hear phone ring, I just heard Bill call out "your cousin John is on the phone."

Apparently Bill had talked to him about football, which is very wise, I am sure it relaxed my cousin John, he too loves football, because when I talked to him he seemed relaxed and happy.

And I must say he gave an excellent report, it was so clear I felt like I was there myself.

He said it was a very simple ceremony, about 75 people came who knew and loved our cousin Richie very much, and those who talked about him knew him very well and loved him very much. Allie, Richie's younger brother, spoke first and talked about Richie's interest in guns and motorcycles and body building.

This was the teenaged Richie who had still lived at home and would be when Allie knew him best.

And his college roommate from graduate school in history in Wisconsin, they have been best friends all these years, flew in for it, and talked all about Richie.

And Richie's son, Jeffrey, had come in from Germany when Richie was first laid up and they became close. There had been a divorce, the children were young when it happened, and apparently their mom had not let them have contact with their dad.

Jeffrey said he and Richie played the harmonica together, and Richie encouraged him with his music.

I had no idea Jeffrey was over in Germany studying music and I had no idea my cousin Richie knew anything about music or played the harmonica, this is a Richie I did not know. But I do know that is what the past 4 months have all been about, this opportunity for Richie and his children to reunite. I am sure all 3 wanted that, and this is how it happened.

John said after everyone who knew Richie so well talked about Richie, the Rabbi who did not know him, talked about him, but did nice job bringing all the strands together. And then they went to cemetery, it was bitter bitter cold back in New York, and the rabbi said a prayer.

And then they all went back to Aunt Mil's apartment, where there was closeness and love and talk. And then John flew home, he arrived back home bone tired and fell into bed. He said he and Goldi had taken the Red Eye together on Saturday night. I think it is possible my cousin Goldi stayed on, he said "we went out together," he did not say we returned together.

John was very glad he went and I can see why, this is our family.

After I had first called John on the phone and left my message on his machine, I decided to connect with John in spirit, which I had never done. And we were close and loving.

And that took a lot of pressure off the physical conversation on the phone when he did call me back. It just seemed simpler to let him do most of the talking, since always before our communication, I had been so excited I had done all the talking, I never really let my cousin talk, I never got to hear him on anything.

He did ask me how I am, and I giggled and said "my life is great. What about you?" And he said his life is fine too. And that was nice for both of us, to hear we are having happiness now.

It was still very early in the evening when he called me but he said he wants to go to bed now, I guess his trip still exhausted him. But he said he was very glad he went. And I thanked him for his report and he said "you are welcome."

And of course after that there were two Johns in my mind, the one I had just talked to on the phone, and the one I was connecting to in spirit. Each time I would reconnect to him in spirit, my mind would go back to phone conversation with him, and I would see him that way and realize just how much I did not know him at all and wonder what he thought about me.

So you could say my mind was in a loop. I couldn't seem to sort anything out. There was hearing about Richie's life from John and the people in it. There were my own memories of Richie and I together as kids.

There was John on the phone. And there were memories of when we all had been family together. And at the same time I had begun new closeness with John in spirit. And from all of this I couldn't figure out what was real. It was making mishmosh in my mind.

Finally John in my mind said "let me help you, I can do this for you Annie, I can help you."

I didn't see how he could. I had fallen into a mishmosh loop, I didn't see how he could help me out of it.

But I said "OK let's try, thank you."

And it's very interesting what he did. He went right into the heart of family, what we had all meant to each other.

This is what he said to me in my mind:

He said "we knew each other’s homes, we knew each other's parents, you knew my room, you knew my room in the old apartment on Riverside Drive, and you knew my room in the new apartment on West 96th Street.

"You knew my father, even my wife never got to meet Phil.

"You knew my house in Adirondacks.

"We had all those family dinners together.

"It's not as intimate as you and your brother where you actually lived in the same house and shared your days together, but a cousin is a brother once removed.

"You know my food too, what my mom cooked for supper, you ate it. You know the pictures my mom had on her living room wall.

"And I know your parents too, I know Leon and Eleanor, I know your apartment in Queens and your house in Old Forge."

He took me all the way back to his old apartment on Riverside Drive, and how I would come into his room when our family was visiting there, the TV must have been in John's room, and all the children would watch Walt Disney together, we all watched Tinkerbell together, we had shared Tinkerbell.

And that is where we wound up, in John's room when he was still a kid and not a teenager yet, all sitting and watching Walt Disney come on and watching Tinkerbell.

And John said "what do you notice about all this? It is all the past. We shared a past together. And that is what family is, a shared past."

That is what had rung in my mind during my phone conversation with John-- I had said "it is so good you went, you went for me too, it was important you be there, we are family"-- the words "we are family" had rung in my mind.

And I think that is what caused all the confusion in my mind later, that intense feeling we are family.

And why it helped me so much when John in spirit showed me that it all took place in the past. We were family in the past.

And then John in spirit said "let the past go Annie, let the whole past go, because the past is the past, they are sunsets on days which have past, long ago sunsets on long ago days, which no longer exist anymore. Just let the whole past go, it was all a dream anyway, let it just evaporate."

And that is what brought me into the now. It really did help me. It is a odd technique John did but it worked.

He brought me so deep into the bosom of family and the bosom of the past, and when he had achieved all that, he said "Let it all go, none of it was real, none of it ever happened, the only thing real in any of it was Tinkerbell."

It seemed funny that Tinkerbell, that lively mischievous fairy out of Walt Disney's imagination, could still live, still be, but all the rest was gone. All that is here is the now. It was how John brought me into the now.

It had a good effect on me because it made our connection in spirit much stronger that he had helped me and communicated with me, and it did evaporate a lot of the past for me.

He said "it's a different thing when you write about it, because that is art. And art always infuses the now-ness into the past.

"Art is always in the now, no matter what the topic is. But let it go from your mind and memories, let all the past go."

And so I did.

I take Alice out for lunch on her birthday

2008-07-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

Tuesday, July 22, 2008, 5:50 am
I take Alice out for lunch on her birthday”

Well Helen is in New York, her big brother Eddie is in New York. Helen’s mom had 8 brothers and sisters, and the cousins’ reunion is taking place in New York now. Helen must have a zillion cousins. And they are flying in from all over the country for the cousins’ reunion, their children and grandchildren too.

It was Helen’s idea and she organized it, and she finessed it too. It required a lot of finessing because not everyone wanted to go. When a California cousin said “I’m not going!” it had ripple effect. Helen’s sister and her cousin Margot said “if she’s not coming, then neither am I!” It rippled out to half the reunion. So Helen had to beg and to join with two other cousins to offer to pay the airplane ticket. So she’s coming and that brought back the whole ripple effect.

As far as I could make out from Helen’s hurried phone call about this yesterday, as she was on her way to Wal-Mart to buy an electric toothbrush for the trip. It is 7 dollars at Wal-Mart and 90 dollars everywhere else. Helen was still in Maui yesterday, she flies to New York City today. The conversation ended when she reached Wal-Mart, so she must have called me as she was driving there. Everyone is coming except the cousin who lives in Minnesota. Helen is heartbroken about this. “I have not seen her in 40 years” she wailed. Helen wants to see her and meet her children and grandchildren, and said “maybe she can make a video of her family and send it to us so we can play it at the reunion.” There are also the cousins who are too depressed to go, Helen mentioned two of them, the two depressed cousins, but maybe they are showing up, I am not clear on that.

It certainly sounds like a huge event, my mind boggled just hearing about it. I can’t imagine flying all the way across the country and going to a family reunion. To me it all sounds as amazing, as dramatic, as exciting as going to Mars, it seems like a totally earthshaking thing to do.

I considered it an amazing experience in my life when I took Alice out for her birthday few days ago. That is why it seems so gargantuan what Helen is doing. Because just taking Alice to Village Inn on her birthday on Saturday, 3 days ago, was earthshaking event in my life.

Alice had really wanted me to do her astrology chart and the charts of her two sons, ever since she found out I could do that. And even tho I did try to figure out how I could do it, at that time I didn’t know if my printer was working, so it would mean her coming here, and us looking at computer together. Or doing it on phone while we both looked at the horoscopes up on the computer. When I was on a New Age site briefly last summer, someone posted “here is the link to a free astrology chart site.” So it only took 5 minutes for me to get all 3 charts up on my machine, and I did send the links to Alice. But the meaning of a chart is in its interpretation and Alice wanted that, and that is a big deal.

And so I just put it off until Alice generously got Bill in the art show about 6 weeks ago. I was ecstatic about that! Bill was ecstatic about that! It was such an incredibly huge favor! She had simply casually generously spontaneously offered it. When I wrote back my amazed happiness and amazed gratitude to her and said “if ever there is any favor I can do for you Alice, just ask, I will be overjoyed to do it.” And she said she wants the 3 astrology charts and I emailed back “of course!” Now I really wanted to do it, I wanted to make Alice happy in anyway I could.

And Friday, when I realized Alice must be back from Mexico (she had gone for two weeks, she has a farm there from when she had lived there for 20 years, and one of her sons is living on the farm now). I wrote “Welcome back Alice! Did you have a nice time?” And she wrote about the early birthday party her son had thrown for her in Mexico. And I remembered Alice’s birthday would be right about now. I emailed back “When is your birthday? Is it today or tomorrow or the next day?” I planned I would send her a very nice email card on her birthday. And she emailed back “it is tomorrow, want to get together for it?” And I realized the time is now! I emailed back “let’s do your astrology charts on your birthday, I will take you to Village Inn.” And Alice emailed back “great.” She was happy about it.

And so I planned it all out with my Higher Self, she had good suggestions. She suggested Village Inn, because it is a family restaurant, it is very close by, it is air conditioned, it is very comfortable, we can sit in a booth next to each other, and we can spend all afternoon there. She said Alice may want a drink on her birthday (Village Inn has no alcohol), but she said it is better for her to be clear-minded, astrology takes concentration and focus. And she reminded me that Bruce always went to Village Inn for crepes suzettes and maybe Alice would like that.

And Alice emailed back great, great, great, to all. The morning before her birthday, while the plumber was working on trying to get the bathtub to drain (that story did not have a good ending, he said the tree roots are growing into the pipes, that is why it won’t drain, the roots are clogging it, and to get the roots out of it I would have to take out the bathtub, break up the floor, then put the bathtub back, and then put the floor back, and it costs $4000. So I decided I would just shower in Bill’s shower, I am going to let the bathtub go)-- But while the plumber was here finding out what the problem was, and Bill was sitting outside with Beanie, so Beanie would not be in plumber’s way, I crossed my fingers and tried to put in the inkjet myself in printer. Usually Bill does that for me. And I did it! And I figured out how to print all 3 charts for Alice. Actually that was when all systems were on go. That is when I emailed Alice “I printed up the charts!” And said “pick me up at 2:30 on Saturday, we will be back from swimming then, Village Inn is just 2 miles away, we will go there, and I will do it, and I will treat you to lunch.” And I wrote out the directions to my house and my phone number.

And after I calmed down from the plumber drama, I remembered the beautiful red bathing suit I bought last month which is 2 sizes too small. So I emailed Alice “what size suit do you wear?” And Alice emailed back the two sizes she wears, the suit is the bigger size. So I said “I have pretty red suit maybe it will fit.” And the white linen skirt, simple but nice, is also Alice’s size, two sizes too small for me. I don’t know what had possessed me to buy them. But I had desperately needed a treat, it was dark time in my life, and the discount store didn’t have anything in my size, just these pretty items 2 sizes too small. So I had thought “maybe I can stretch them and make them fit.”

But they were still in the bag, and it was Alice’s birthday, and it is size she wears. I was getting very excited about Alice’s birthday party. On the way home from the pool, the day of Alice’s birthday, I did have Bill stop at Ross again to see if they had the red suit in exactly her size. But they had trillion beautiful bathing suits last month and none on Saturday. I was very lucky to have that beautiful red one for Alice at home. And it is a knock-out, one of those dream bathing suits. A beautiful red and a beautiful design.

And when we got home I decided I would give Alice Eat, Pray, Love too. Margot gave me that book as gift and I loved it, and I thought Alice might like it too. I was getting together a little bag of her presents, the red bathing suit, the white linen skirt, the book Eat, Pray, Love.

And of course the astrology charts in a manila envelope. And extra paper and pens for Alice to take notes if she wanted to.

And when Alice arrived I invited her in. I knew Bill would want to see her. She sat at the big table and when she said she was thirsty, she chose iced limeade in tall glass. And when she got out her tobacco to roll a cigarette, I brought in my pack of cigarettes. And said “let me give you a carton of cigarettes for your birthday, I get them on the internet, they are so inexpensive.” So I added a carton of cigarettes to her birthday package. I was sailing in bliss because I thought "these are all great birthday presents." And when Alice arrived, I saw the suit and skirt would fit her perfect, they are Alice’s size.

And I showed her some of Bill’s paintings up on the walls of the house. Bill didn’t want me to bring Alice into my bedroom and computer room because of such a mess. But he had cleaned the rest of the house beautiful few days before, and I thought Alice could handle the such-a-mess in my 2 rooms. And it was interesting the paintings she loved. And when she got back to the table she said “we,” referring to her and Bill as artists. Which is nice. Alice has been in art shows all over the world, and Bill has just been in Dahlia’s show, the one Alice arranged for him to be in with her. And it is first time Alice saw any of his work, other than the 4 paintings in Dahlia’s show.

And then I noticed Beanie would not leave Alice alone. He had his nose by her legs wherever she went, so softly, gently, like kissing her. And when she sat down to smoke her cigarette, drink her iced limeade, and chat with Bill, Beanie went right under her legs. He was completely smitten with Alice.

And my heart soared up with joy. Dogs love visitors, but I am not in the era of visitors. 18 months ago Jim came to watch Superbowl with Bill, so Beanie had a visitor then, he loved Jim. And Saturday was his second visitor, Alice, and he gave his heart to Alice, he would not be away from her. O Margot, that’s right, when we first got Beanie, Margot was in the yard with him, and she petted him, and Beanie wanted those pets to go on forever. It was a big love affair, Beanie loved Margot. That was a long time ago tho.

This was Saturday, I watched him spend every instant trying to be close to Alice. She wasn’t aware of him. She wasn’t aware of what he was doing until I pointed it out, and Alice said how she loves dogs. It’s interesting that Beanie’s love for Alice did not spring from her giving him any attention. He was content to just love and be close to her. It was truly a beautiful and wondrous thing for me to behold.

Alice decided she would order the crepes suzettes when I told her that is what Bruce always had there, altho I don’t know if either of us knew what it was. And my Higher Self had told me “give the waitress 5 dollars when you first arrive, because you will be there long time, so no one else can sit at that table, and we don’t want her to lose money on tips.”

And when we arrived I said to the guy who seats you and hands you the menu, “it is Alice’s birthday and I’m going to do her chart,” and he brought us right to very nice table in booth. And when the waitress arrived, I explained it all to her, and gave her the five dollars. And she was an angel. And we both ordered iced tea and Alice ordered her crepes. And my Higher Self said “let her eat her food first, so she can enjoy it, then do the charts.” And Alice loved it.

And then I took out the charts and moved over to sit next to her. I was incredibly rusty at doing charts. I did one for Jan two years ago, one for Harry 8 years ago, and I would talk about astrology with Nicole about 14 years ago. And I only thought about astrology extremely occasionally over past 10 years. It was something I used to always think about, I was always studying it in my mind. Till I read A Course In Miracles and I began to think about other things all the time instead. About God and Heaven and perception, and how the mind works.

That is why I was so insecure. I wasn’t close to astrology in my mind, I had been away from it. Plus I had already had momentous day before we even got to the chart. Alice had been a guest in our house and we never have visitors, it was thrilling for all of us. We had date in restaurant and ordered something to eat, and I never go out with girlfriends to restaurants anymore. A lot had already happened in my life where nothing ever happens in.

But I did my best, which is what I promised Alice I would do. I was a little frustrated because I am used to interpreting charts I draw up myself, and I had a very hard time reading and understanding the chart the computer made. But luckily Alice recognized the symbols for the Signs, and saw where they began, she was very helpful.

I would say I gave a terrible reading, because at no point was my mind crystal clear, I was not on all 8 cylinders. For me it was like driving a car which is riding rough, the motor acting up, and swerving all over the place. But maybe it was the right reading for Alice. Because when I gave her the information, and was going to try to crystal clearly put it together, to give its meaning, and my mind drew a blank, Alice supplied it. Given the facts, she was able to put it together and see what it meant for herself, and in her own language. Some words mean a lot to me, some words mean a lot to Alice, and so she used her words, and that was good.

When I wanted a cigarette break-- I had purposely put a pack of cigs in my purse and two lighters, so I could walk outside for a cigarette, I couldn’t find my pack of cigs. But luckily I had given Alice a carton of cigs for her birthday. So she gave me her keys, I went to the car, and took out a pack of cigs.

It was long reading because of doing Alice’s two sons too. And she told me all about her sons as we were doing it, what they were like as children, what they are doing now, what they are like now. But luckily, the more my mind started to sputter and malfunction, the clearer Alice got. Lucky for me, it turns out she has real talent for astrology. It was very much a joint effort. And when I got out my chart to show her the contrast, to explain something to her, she looked at the shape of my chart and said “Look! It looks like pyramids, you have 5 pyramids here, you are involved in 5 different things.” Which seemed so interesting to me because it is true and I never thought about it. It was an interesting way to see and understand my life.

Alice is a very talented astrologer, maybe even more talented than me. She has genius. She just didn’t have the knowledge about astrology, what the Planets and Houses and Signs mean. But as soon as I gave her the information, she did a great job putting it together in her chart and her sons’ charts. The girl could be a great astrologer if she wanted to study the science.

For our second cigarette break, we went out together to have cigs. And she said “what about all the awful things which have happened in my life?” and she said about them. Alice’s conversation used to always be about all the awful things which had happened. I said “It’s just not in your chart Alice, there are no difficulties at all in your chart. Of course you do have Leo Rising, and Leo loves to dramatize things. Maybe you just wanted to add a lot of drama to your life, to make it more interesting.”

The interesting thing is, when we first sat down and I got out her chart and looked at it, I had never seen a chart like that. Nearly every planet is in her 10th House which is career or position in the world. And the very few planets which are not in that House are in the Houses right next to it. I said “Alice I hope you will take this the right way” and she made that scared face, “but this is the chart of a big-shot, you are a big-shot.” I didn’t mean to scare Alice, I guess that is my humor, I like to tease. I knew something good was coming, not bad, when I said “I hope you take this the right way.” I didn’t realize she would respond with so much alarm.

And it is true it is the chart of a big-shot, of a very important person. And it actually does explain Alice’s life. She has no ego, no self-importance at all, so it doesn’t appear on the surface in any way. She leads a totally humble life, she is totally humble. But it explains why she has her finger in everything and makes everything happen, and her prodigious talent in the world of making things happen, in the world itself. To give contrast, I didn’t say this to Alice, but that same House, the House of the world, I have Neptune in it, which dissolves it. I have zero activity on the world stage. I am just not out in the world at all. But Alice is, the world is her whole life. She has more planets in that House and bigger planets than Einstein. Her House of career is major.

But of course she is a humanitarian and idealist first, last, and always. I saw that in her chart, which begins off with the planet Uranus. “Your passion is for truth, Alice” I said, “you begin off with passion for truth, and Uranus is totally humanitarian.” It was Alice who supplied that word and attribute. When I showed Alice how her chart starts off with Uranus in the 9th House, I recognized the passion for truth (Uranus is my ruling planet), but Alice recognized the humanitarian.

And then we both went to the ladies room together, which seemed like a very intimate thing to do with your friend. And we did a little more astrology till my mind stopped working totally and Alice looked a little tired too. And I think Alice liked the reading. I thought it was the worst reading I had ever done in my life. But when I was paying the check (it was such a bargain! can you imagine only 8 dollars for all of that!) she told the girl I had explained astrology to her, she seemed pleased.

And I think Alice was very pleased. Some friend of hers had once said something about her astrology and told her 3 terrible things. I don’t think Alice really had an idea what an astrology reading really meant, or one by me anyway.

And of course on this day of happy miracles on Alice’s wonderful birthday day, it turned out the bathing suit fits like a glove, she loves it, and her old bathing suit is completely worn thru, she needs suit anyway. And the skirt fits perfectly, and who does not want a pretty simple white linen skirt in hot desert summer. And I think it all had a transforming effect on Alice too. Her stories became happier and happier, she recalled good things, happy things. And I think it satiated her all the attention. Alice likes to express and has so much to express. That was the one thing my Higher Self told me before I went to do the reading-- about Alice’s chart-- she said “it is good for Alice to talk a lot.”

I had noticed it myself two days before Alice’s birthday, at the very end of this Sign we have been in. For the whole Sign, I talked so little and had so little urge to talk. And then suddenly there was an explosion, as if all the not-talking I had done, just wanted to be released. I couldn’t stop it. There was just such tremendous urge for talking and communication, after not having it for so long. And Alice is born right in the middle of that 3 day explosion. I understood why Alice likes to talk a lot, and why my Higher Self said she needs to talk a lot. She has Sun and Moon in that Sign, she has to have that release. It is the whole Sign releasing itself.

I think it was very good for Alice to get a chance to talk to her heart’s content at our birthday party. Plus to have all focused attention on her. Because she bloomed under both. Right before my eyes I saw her bloom. I saw her happiness bloom, her contentment bloom, her loving beautiful being bloom. “You need to talk a lot,” was the first thing I said to Alice when I looked at her chart, per my Higher Self’s instructions, and she lit up. “But everyone moves away from me when I talk, they say I talk too much and leave the room.” “You need to talk a lot, Alice, it is good for you” I said.

And it’s very interesting how it all worked out. Last night I was bored to tears with the TV. I had tried watching it all day, and other than “The Housewives of Orange County” marathon, I was so bored I was going out of my mind. And finally my Higher Self said “well let’s talk, we’ll talk about something which interests you, so you can have something interesting.”

And to my amazement my Higher Self did my chart. And it was a brilliant reading. All the brilliance I had wanted to offer Alice, and which was totally not there at all, was in my Higher Self’s reading of my chart.

She said things which were so interesting and informative, I wished I had known it to tell Alice, I learned so much. She said the 10th House, which is where all of Alice’s planets are, and where I just have Neptune-- I had pointed out to Alice her chart begins with Uranus in her 9th House and ends with Neptune in her 12th, she begins with passion for truth and winds up with divine love. My Higher Self told me “The 10th House is actually your mission in life. And you having Neptune there, doesn’t dissolve the 10th House, it just means divine love is your mission in life.” And she said “Pluto in Gemini in 8th House-- Pluto, the planet of transformation, in Gemini the Sign of the writer, in Pluto’s own House of Transformation-- means your writing is about transformation.”

It was so interesting having such a brilliant interesting illuminating interpretation of my chart. It was such a gift to me, that I thought “it really is true what the New Age teaches, what spirituality teaches, giving to another is how you give to yourself.” I don’t know how to put this into words, but suddenly it hit me: As the day follows night, that when I went all-out to give the best astrology reading I could for Alice, it was inevitable a great reading would be done for me. That it has to happen, that this is how universal law works.

And of course my biggest joy in all of this is the success of the red bathing suit, how much Alice loves it. And how happy Alice is. Her phone call and email put me in bliss. There is no joy like seeing Alice happy. She is the most generous girl on the planet, she deserves this happiness....

Postscript,

And when I saw Patsy in the pool yesterday and was swimming in the lane next to her, when she said “how are you Anne?” I said “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is the plumber said he would have to take out the bathtub and break up the cement floor. It will cost $4000. I’m not doing it, I will shower in Bill’s shower. The good news is I took Alice out for her birthday and I had a glorious time.” And I told her the whole story and she was so happy for me.

I skipped over about the astrology reading but expressed all my joy about the miracle the ravishing red bathing suit fit Alice to a T.

"My Week-end" (cooler broke, I wrote about women's lib, & I went to GOP meeting)

2008-07-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

Photos from my brother's kayak trip last week

...at low tide we saw colonies of purple starfish.

we hiked a trail which led us to this lake...

“My weekend” (cooler broke, I wrote about women’s lib, and went to Republican Party meeting of PCs)

Tuesday early morning 7/15/08

I feel like so much has happened. The evaporative cooler in the west side of the house broke down on Thursday night. And it wasn’t till 11 am yesterday (Monday) that the repairman fixed it. So today marks the first morning I woke up when all is back to normal. I feel like they were 4 days of obsession. Beside the house being so hot without cooler, for some reason both Bill and I became obsessed.

He went right up on the roof himself on Friday morning to see if he could fix it himself, or if we had to call repairman. And even after he was not able to fix it and I did call the repairman and he said earliest time he could get to me was mid-morning Monday, Bill still did spend the 3 days up on roof trying to fix it.

The ostensible reason was so we could have relief in the house while waiting for repairman. But the truth was it was just a challenge he wanted to win. Bill is a great technician himself, and he simply wouldn’t believe he could not fix it. So for 3 days he was either up on roof trying to fix it, or thinking about how to fix it, or telling me all about it. It was the only thing in his mind.

When Bill is the technician I am drafted into assistant-to-the-technician. Which means orders are screamed at me from the roof. “Turn to pump only! SHUT IT OFF! Turn to low cool! SHUT IT OFF! Turn the circuit breaker back on!” I am constantly hopping around doing things.

I have no criticism whatsoever of Bill spending the 3 and a half days in obsession with fixing the cooler, because I spent the same time in obsession too. Perhaps this is how we each dealt with the fact that the cooler was not working and house was too hot in summer desert heat. On Thursday morning I wrote my first chapter about what women’s liberation was like back then. Then Friday morning a second chapter. Saturday morning a third chapter. And then all day Sunday trying to fix all the typos in it, so it would be done, and I could put my mind somewhere else.

Sunday was one of the strangest days in my whole life. I just sat here ignoring how hot house was, and I tried to face what I had written and to meticulously deal with all the typos. It was a ton of work. And my mind was completely back in women’s liberation. This went on till about 9 at night. All the time this was going on, Bill was on roof barking at me. “TURN IT ON! TURN IT OFF! Turn the circuit breaker back on!” And when he would finally come down from the roof, he would be saying non-stop to me his ideas about the cooler. And I would listen with one ear and continue fixing typos with the other ear.

We both took a rest from our obsession Sunday afternoon, when we went swimming and Bill went to movies and I watched TV. But instant he got home we each went back to our obsession. I was determined to keep going and finish it up. And when Bill was at movie theater, he remembered home insurance won’t pay for it if he had worked on it himself. So as soon as he got home, he had to go right back up on the roof and put everything back exactly as it was, and try to make it undetectable he had spent 3 days working on it. And then he spent 4 hours talking about it to me, as I was finishing up fixing the typos and trying to write a little preface to it.

We were both in complete obsession. Which is maybe OK. How else would we have gotten thru 4 days and 4 nights with no cooling in the house. LOL we both needed an activity which consumed us and took our minds off it.

Right in the middle of it, Saturday morning, I went to my very first meeting of the PCs (precinct committeemen) of the Republican Party in my District. And I had no idea beforehand this would mean walking into the lion’s den. I have no idea what I thought it would be like beforehand. But everyone there but me (altho I found out later Ted had been there, but he hadn’t said anything), so everyone there but Ted and me, and since I didn’t know he was there I thought I was alone, was establishment GOP. These were all office holders in the Republican Party. It was a totally awful experience in every way. And I got very upset during it, and I was very upset after it. And it wasn’t till we got back from swimming that I finally got over it. Hahaha I had no idea I had been completely happy during our 4 days of total obsession and no cooling, until I lost all my happiness at the meeting of the Republican office holders. And I was extremely happy to get back my happiness 3 hours after it was over. I never want to go thru that experience again.

At first naturally I wanted to rebel and never go back. But I guess I am far more committed to the Ron Paul revolution than I realized. And right now the Ron Paul revolution means taking over the Republican Party. Which now that I have been there, seems like an impossible task. But I am still willing to do it. So the way I will never have this experience again, is when I show up at the meeting each month with the other Republican office holders of my district, I will go completely differently. This time I know what it is like.

I will keep my mouth shut from now on. So I don’t have the experience of letting them all know who I am and what I want, which resulted in them all hating me. And I will already know who they are and what they want, which resulted in me hating all of them. I will keep my mouth shut, so I won’t experience that wave of hostility towards me. And now that I know who they are and what they want, it won’t hit me with an awful shock, and upset me so much. I will just stay very close to my Higher Self, and remain close to her mind of love and peace. I assumed I got so upset because they all hated me, but I realize now what knocked me off balance, was that I got mad at them. I can be detached from however they view me, but I will get thrown for a loop if I get mad at them.

Plus I won’t attract all their hostility if I keep my mouth shut. If I show up every month and keep my mind in place of peace and love, and keep my mouth shut, then they will eventually just get used to my physical presence there and ignore me. And I will learn a great deal.

What I learned at this first meeting was anathema to me. But if I take all the emotions out of the picture, just simply leave it as the awful ideas they believe and the awful laws they want to pass, then all it means is why we are doing this revolution in the first place. Obviously I had to see all the full awfulness up close and personal, to actually meet the people and the minds behind it. Things are the way they are because of them, these are the authors of it.

Now that it is 3 days later and all my emotions have cooled down, I can see how it made everything crystal clear to me. Why we must have this revolution, and what we are up against. It was an absolutely necessary learning experience, I see now. I had to know all this, and this was the only way to learn it (as unpleasant as it was). Ted told me on the phone that Lisa, I don’t know who she is, I never met her, had the identical experience as me. She went to 3 meetings and hated them all so much, and hated what they stood for so much, she dropped out of being PC, she couldn’t stand it. And believe me I fully understand why. Which is fine for Lisa, she doesn’t have her Higher Self to help her get thru those meetings but I do. And next time I will stay very close to my Higher Self.

And of course Ted is a good example for me. What fortitude he must have! He has been going for a whole year and is determined not to miss a single meeting. “I never knew a thing about Party politics,” Ted said, “now I am learning everything.” He considers it an invaluable learning experience. Which is the new attitude I want.

Right now I see no way we can accomplish anything in a short period of time. There are 3 of us in my District and 40 of them. And it is probably the same in all the Districts in Arizona. And the election for new PCs is only once a year. We can’t add to our numbers till a whole year goes past.

Nobody else in the Ron Paul Revolution is disturbed by the fact that this is a long haul, and would take 10 years to accomplish, 10 years for Ron Paul liberty-lovers to totally take over the Republican Party. But I believe heart and soul that the Mass Awakening on our planet will occur in two years. Which will mean everyone’s mind is lifted above the fear mind, we will all be in our higher mind.

These people in the Republican Party are good people. The problem is they let their fear do all their thinking for them. This is what keeps their mind in prison, and motivates their desire to imprison everyone else. So if Mass Liberation will occur in two years, it is unclear to me why I should be working so hard for something which would take ten years to accomplish, were there no Mass Liberation.

But maybe I am looking at this wrong. After all two years is a very long time. And if I take my mind off goal, and focus it in process instead, then how do I know how fruitful the process will be over next two years. Plus after all it is an adventure. Hahaha yes I had an awful experience on Saturday morning, but it was a new experience, and how do I know where this adventure will lead. And I did do the paperwork and get the signatures. I am now on the ballot in the Primary in September. And because I am running unopposed, I am now an office holder in the Republican Party myself. I am precinct committeeman in my district. I did something!

My Mom, Me, and my Higher Self

2008-07-09T08:55:00.000-07:00

Moose River, Old Forge, New York
Preface
Well I just read the story. I wrote it yesterday. I had no problem writing it, but when it came to fixing all the typos (in the afternoon) LOL I didn't have the courage to face the story. I don't know why it didn't take any courage to write it, but to read it after I wrote it, took courage.

I wanted to run away, rather than sit down and look at it to fix the typos. And I thought "how would I get the courage to show this to anyone." I thought maybe I would just hide it away. But I did force myself to fix all the typos yesterday and this morning when I woke up I read the story.

I have a different attitude now that I slept on it. While the events were actually happening, I was so keyed-up and so concentrated on listening to my Higher Self, and doing and saying exactly what she said, and not doing anything or saying anything she didn't have me say or do, that I wasn't really aware of anything else at all.

And even when I told parts of the story to friends, or even wrote a tiny bit about it, I was still in a state of stunned amazement that this happened.

It is so opposite of what the world says I should have acted in these situations. It was only when I had to face it yesterday afternoon to fix the typos, and saw it all in black and white, that I saw how bizarrely I had acted, and no wonder I had upset my mother so much.

And it really did seem to me I had acted like a monster. It was so hard for me to see why I had been "good."

I guess this is why in the evening, I went back and added that post script from my Higher Self asking her to explain it to me. Why did she have me act this way?

And this morning when I woke up I read the story from start to finish. I hadn't been able to face reading it when I worked on it to fix typos, so I did paragraph at end, then paragraph in middle, each time there was a part I couldn't face, I moved over to fix typos in another part.

So this morning is only time I read it from start to end. And I think it is an extraordinary tale.

When I went to bed last night, I thought about everything I had told about in story, all the things which happened, and I remembered what my relationship with my mom had been like before my Higher Self had decided to transform it.

I thought "the transformation involved putting both her and me thru hell," and I wondered if transformation always involved going thru hell.

And I thought "never would I have been willing to undergo this, if my dad had not gone to Heaven, I would have just left things as they were." And I think this is true.

However, I also did remember what things were like before the transformation of the relationship. And I have to admit they were such an awful mess, and in such a tight knot, one of those big awful knots which can never be undone, like a huge big knot stuck together like glue.

And even tho the events in the story are not "pretty" the whole knot is unraveled.

This morning I see the whole ugly knot did get unraveled, they are all separate strands now, and even washed clean. All that muck has been removed.

I haven't figured out how to tie it up in pretty bow yet, but yes it is a vast improvement.

Whether I will ever have true closeness with my mom, I have no idea, but it does seem as if it has come to be a potential.

So below is the story I wrote yesterday

Love, Anne

My Mom, Me, and my Higher Self
Written Tuesday morning, July 8, 2008

I got to know my nephew Ricky and fall in love with him when he was 8 years old, when we all went back to New York and stayed in my mom’s apartment because my dad had gone to Heaven. My brother, Jimmy, his wife, Betsy, and their son Ricky, had all flown in from Berkeley. I flew in from Tucson.

Things did not go well between me and my mom when I was back in New York in the apartment I had grown up in.

I was with my Higher Self at this point and I did whatever She told me to, no questions asked. I completely trusted her to know what was best for both me and my mom, and everyone involved.

And She explained to me that now that my dad was in Heaven, and Eleanor no longer had Leon, it was necessary for Eleanor to have an authentic relationship with me, that we had to turn this into a real relationship.

“Eleanor will need to be close to you now,” my Higher Self explained.

I really had no relationship with my mom. Of course as soon as I got to be with my Higher Self, which was the summer before I moved to Tucson, my Higher Self changed all my communications with my mom.

She had me write love letters and nothing else. And to only give good news. “It takes away guilt” she explained, “if you tell her you’re radiantly healthy and completely happy.”

And I was very content writing love letters to my mom, and having zero relationship with her.

But when my dad went to Heaven my Higher Self said “you have to have a real relationship with your mom now, she doesn’t have Leon, she will need that.”

And when I went back East to be with her right after Leon went to Heaven, for the memorial, and my brother and his family were there too, I followed my Higher Self’s instructions to the letter on how to transform my relationship with my mom.

My Higher Self’s theory was, in order to have a real relationship, it has to be between equals, so I can’t let my mom boss me around anymore.

My brother and his family had already been there for a week. My brother had flown out instant Leon went to Heaven and Betsy and Ricky had arrived several days later.

So the first morning, when I woke up, and all 3 of them were going to go into the city and see friends, and take Ricky to something, and my brother offered to do the breakfast dishes before he left, my mom said “Just leave them! Go and have a good time!”

She was looking forward to being alone with me. My brother’s attitude towards my mom who had just lost her husband, was totally solicitous. He kept offering to help in anyway, to do anything for her.

My mom’s plan was we would take her shopping cart and go to supermarket together. Apparently all these years, my mom had watched the other mothers grocery shopping with their grown-up daughter, and she wanted this too.

And my Higher Self had me say “no thank you, I don’t want to go.”

My mother was so shocked she practically fell over. My brother had done whatever she wanted, everyone expects this is how you act when you have a grieving widow, but my Higher Self had me say “I’m not going.”

I could not understand it myself. What did I care if I went grocery shopping with my mom, it was what she wanted, it would make her happy. Isn’t this why I was here, to make her happy! Apparently not. Apparently the reason was to transform our relationship into a real relationship, and apparently this was how.

“But why don’t you want to go shopping with me?” my mom asked.

My Higher Self had me say, “because I don’t want to.”

My mom was flabbergasted and so was I.

And then the most interesting thing happened. My mother, who had been the weak pathetic grieving widow, suddenly transformed right in front of my eyes. All of a sudden she realized what was going on. Her eyes lit up! She straightened up! The glint of battle came into her eyes!

Right before my eyes she transformed back into the young mother who had forced me to do what I didn’t want to do way back in this very same living room, when I was 11 years old. She went back to being 34 years old, loving to fight.

She completely lit up! “We're having a fight!” she said.

I said “you’re fighting, I’m not.”

And then she tried to force me to go grocery shopping with her.

I don’t believe she even cared about grocery shopping with her grown-up daughter at this point. The delight of that fantasy paled beside her huge joy and excitement at having a fight with me.

She was thrilled to her toes to be having a fight with me. I guess the girl likes to fight.

We were in the same living room where we had had all our fights while I was growing up. And she had won every fight. Of course she assumed she would win this one. She wouldn’t have been so thrilled and excited about the fight if she hadn’t been sure she would be victorious. There would be the thrill of fighting itself and the sweet victory at end.

She had already had a week of being pathetic grieving widow and every whim indulged, she was so ready for a change of plan, for a new activity.

And so I took a deep breath and said to my Higher Self, “I hope you know what you are doing.”

My mom had total relish for all this, but it was not my idea of fun. And whatever my mom said to me, I simply answered with what my Higher Self told me to say.

When my mom kept asking “but why won’t you go shopping with me?” I answered “because I don’t want to.”

And then she pulled out all the stops. She was enjoying herself so much, she loved being a ferocious fighter.

I was really detached from it all. LOL I had no dog in this fight. I was simply obedient to my Higher Self, because I believed she knew what was best for Eleanor. I was there to help my mother, and I figured my Higher Self knew how, and I didn’t, so I would do exactly what my Higher Self said.

Well the upshot was my mom lost the fight. I was unbudgeable. There was absolutely nothing she could do, to get me to give in and do what she wanted. And she hated me for it. She hated me for losing the fight.

I was only there 3 days. On the third day was my father’s memorial and the next morning we all left on the airplane to go home.

It was a long 3 days because my mother made it clear to me in every way I was persona non grata.

Because I like to smoke cigarettes she insisted the smoke bothered her, and I have to leave the apartment and go into the hall to smoke. So I spent my entire time at home in the hall near the elevator, sitting on the building steps.

That is how I got close to my nephew. He came out to join me with a pack of cards. O we had such a ball together. We played all the card games I knew, and he taught me how to play Crazy 8s.

And then he offered to teach me 52 Pick-up, which made me crack up. I remembered when Jane Katz had offered to teach me 52 Pick-up when I was 8 years old, in her apartment just above ours.

I was one floor below with my nephew when he was offering to teach me 52 Pick up. A very sly smile came over his face and he said “would you like me to teach you 52 Pick-up.”

I can’t tell you how much fun we had. We laughed and laughed, we made each other giggle. We laughed so hard he must have peed in his pants, because I heard my brother negotiate with his wife. He named all the things he did and said how Betsy should take care of washing Ricky and new underpants and pants.

In the evening my mom took all of us to a great Chinese restaurant in Flushing, the best Chinese restaurant in the world, her neighbor had told her about it.

I was so excited about having the delicious food. I sat next to my mom and I don’t know how she did it, but everyone’s order got taken except mine.

Finally I had to remind the waiter my order was not taken.

Then she leaned over to Betsy on the other side and made sure I was completely excluded from all conversation.

She was still, this is hard to believe, trying to win the fight!

And after the restaurant, when she and I were in the car, and Jimmy and Betsy and Ricky went across the street for ice cream cones, my mother who had refused to say one word to me since the fight-- when I graciously thanked her for the delicious meal in restaurant, started it all up again.

“If you really loved me” she began, and started up the fight.

And when we got back home, I spent another evening in the hall with my nephew.

The next day was the memorial. It was at a convention room at hotel by airport. All my father’s friends from the Party were there, plus his tennis playing friends, plus the friends who are neighbors, and my mom invited her best friends too.

My brother was master of ceremonies and everyone talked about my dad, and my brother did a great job. And my mother arranged that a huge feast buffet style be given in the adjoining room. And everyone ate the delicious food and had a nice time.

And when family and relatives were going to go back to our house afterwards, my brother suggested we go to Aunt Mildred’s house instead, so my mom wouldn’t feel she had to clean the house first. The house was perfectly clean but I guess my mom would think she had to clean it again anyway.

So we sat in Mildred’s living room where everyone talked family talk, and I lounged on rug with Ricky. He brought out a board game for us to play, he now thought of me as his playmate. I might have liked to join the family discussion but I was perfectly willing to play board game on rug with Ricky instead.

And then my mom stood up and said “I’m tired, come on Annie let’s go.”

Which I thought was very interesting, that after all we had been thru, she knew without question, that if she were ready to go home, of course I would be her companion and go with her. That I was there for her. Jimmy and Betsy and Ricky stayed behind at Mildred’s house, they were all having good time having family talk.

And when they got back home, I went into hall to have cig and Ricky followed me out with cards. And when I went back in to get something, both Jimmy and Betsy each took me aside privately to thank me for spending all this time playing with Ricky.

I told them honestly they didn’t have to thank me, I was enjoying it so much. And then because my mom didn’t seem to mind my presence, and my brother was going thru my father’s financial papers to help her, and he asked me something about a bond on an apartment building in Texas. I said “yes, Leon bought that bond in my name so I could have a little income from it, and for a month or 2 I got a small check but then he cashed it in to buy you a new car, when you had to drive all that distance to work.”

And somehow I got caught up talking with my bother and sister-in-law and never did go back out to play cards with Ricky. And then there was a huge drama because Jimmy could not find his airline ticket for the trip home the next morning. We all looked everywhere for it, and his wife yelled at him, saying how irresponsible he is, who loses an airplane ticket!

And I was appalled at that, because how could my brother be called irresponsible, he had arrived same day our dad went to Heaven and had done everything. He and my mom had done all the arrangements for the memorial together. He had done all the financial papers. He had done every single thing. He had totally taken care of my mom. I had not done one single thing, except let her start huge fight with me that she did not win.

And she had started up the fight again each time we were alone. She kept thinking her strategy had been wrong and if she tried a different strategy she would win this time. But she never won and just got madder at me. This continued until the memorial. After the memorial and after Mildred’s house and after she said “time to leave Anne,” and we walked home companionably, she didn’t want to fight with me anymore. She wanted to be nice to me instead.

And the next morning, after we all had breakfast together, and my brother and his family left, and I was lingering over breakfast, I did see there was an ashtray near my plate, but I thought I hallucinated it. And when I said “I want to smoke a cigarette, I will go out into the hall,” she said “there is an ashtray right there.” And I knew she was bending over to be nice to me.

And then the car came to take me to the airport. And during the wait at airport, my Higher Self had me call her to say what a wonderful time I had, and how loving and nice she had been to me and how much I appreciate it.

And then I flew back home to Tucson.

My mom comes to Tucson, another disaster:

And then the following June she came here for a few days. She said “we got off on the wrong foot in New York and I want to get on the right foot now.”

But the identical thing happened. Again my Higher Self said “you must have an authentic relationship, and for that you have to be equals.”

And she had me say “no” to a perfectly sensible reasonable request my mom made.

And so my mom was enraged with me for the whole visit, 3 days.

And when I was so gracious when she was leaving, and said “you are welcome back anytime, I was so happy to have you here.”

She said “I am never setting one foot in your house again! I am never coming back to Tucson again!”

And Bill drove her to airport.

And the instant she left I burst into tears, and I said to my Higher Self “How could you do this to me! How could you let me be mean to my mom!”

And to my stunned astonishment my Higher Self said “Eleanor had a great time, she so enjoyed her trip to the dump.”

Which turned out to be true. She had gone thru my house, getting rid of everything she thought should be gotten rid of, and then Bill took her in the truck to the dump to throw it all away.

And I did notice how happy she looked, sitting up there in front seat with him on way back from dump, that total satisfaction in her face.

And when I told Irene she said, “every mother’s dream, to get to throw out all her daughter’s junk.”

And as soon as she got back to New York she made arrangement with Elder Hostel to spend Thanksgiving in Tucson.

And in November she got flu. No matter what she did she wouldn’t get better, and all her friends said “how can you go to Tucson, you are not well enough.”

And she said (accurately it turned out) “I won’t get better unless I do go to Tucson.” Which turned out to be true.

She stayed at a hotel this time that Elder Hostel arranged, and we came over to swim in her pool. And she had lovely time talking to Bruce and Bill as I swam, and we took her out for lunch.

And she and Bruce really hit it off. “What a wonderful mom you have!” he said to me when we were alone.

And we had nice Thanksgiving together in restaurant. And I knew it was good for my mom to see me swimming in her pool, to see me radiantly strong and healthy and happy, because of that thing— it takes away guilt.

And so she spent the next 4 Thanksgivings with us in Tucson, she stayed with Elder Hostel each year, and nice time was had by all.

My mom moves to Berkeley, I fly out to help her settle in, more flare-ups:

And the fifth year, on her birthday and on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish holiday, she decided to move to Berkeley to be close to Jimmy and his family, and Betsy’s parents too.

She wanted to be at all the family gatherings, instead of on the other end of telephone, when she got called from the family gathering. She wanted to be part of family again. Family gatherings is my mother’s favorite thing in whole world.

So that Thanksgiving she went to Elder Hostel in Berkeley, and Betsy took her around to look at various places to live, and she chose that apartment in Walnut Creek.

And 2 months later, she arrived. She moved out there lock, stock, and barrel.

And my Higher Self had me offer to fly out there to help her settle in. She had only been there 2 days when I arrived.

And once again my Higher Self said “it has to be a relationship between equals for you to be close, and Eleanor needs her daughter, I want you to be close.”

So this time when my mom told me to make my bed and she will take me for breakfast-- this was my first morning there.

And I said “I won’t make my bed.”

Can you believe this! I was brushing my teeth and my Higher Self said, “tell her you won’t make your bed.”

I practically fell over. “Are you sure?” I asked.

“I’m sure,” she said.

So after I washed my face and brushed my teeth I said “I’m not making my bed.”

And the biggest fight of the millennium broke out.

She didn’t go in as much for fierce fighting this time, because she had been a widow for 5 years now, and discovered she could manipulate anyone into doing anything she wanted by saying “I’m old and sick and going to die.”

I guess this worked on my brother. But my Higher Self, who was doing all this for Eleanor, for Eleanor’s happiness, and for her great new life in California, of course would not allow me to give any credence to the idea that she was old and sick and going to die.

“You have to do what I want” my mom said to me “because I am old and sick and going to die.”

“Hardly!” I said back.

After all I had just seen the fierce and ferocious fight she had put up all that morning.

My Higher Self had finally let me give in because I was starving. After I would not give in my mom went to the restaurant for breakfast by herself. I was not invited. There was no food in the house. And I could not hold out another minute, I made my bed.

It was late in the afternoon. I had actually seen from her 3rd floor window, her returning by herself in the rain. O she looked so unhappy. O my heart went out to her. But what could I do. I totally trusted my Higher Self. I totally believe she knows the way to my mother’s happiness.

And even I knew it was wrong that everything my brother did for her was predicated on she’s old and sick and going to die. Even tho that is what my mother wanted, this was not good for her. This is not how you started off your beautiful new life in California.

And it had taken tremendous strength and courage to quit her job, leave her home of past 50 years in Flushing, and relocate to CA.

I had done my relocation to Tucson 8 years before, I still remembered what it took for me to do that. No one who is old and sick and going to die could do that. It takes all the courage and strength of tremendous life and vitality to do that. And it takes huge mind power too. Great great strength of mind.

So I made my bed and she took me out for great breakfast. I was so hungry I had two of everything, I hadn’t even had supper. And she was very happy watching me eat, and I loved my breakfast so much.

And we had a nice walk around her new town and were walking back companionably, and I made a little joke. I said “I guess this is what enlightenment is, next time your daughter refuses to make her bed, you will say ‘fine with me.’”

Of course she did not get my joke, and of course she was still furious at me about it. That is when she brought out “I don’t know how you can do this to me, I am old and sick and going to die.” And I said “hardly” under my breath, she didn’t hear me.

And it was clear she still hated me.

That evening was my brother’s birthday party at his house, and we all went to it. My nephew Ricky was now 12 years old and had an ET T shirt. And I had a great time at the dinner cracking jokes with Betsy’s dad who sat next to me.

And the next morning, just before I went downstairs because the car was coming to take me to the airport so I could go home, I thanked her very graciously for her gracious hospitality to me.

She said “you are never invited back again!”

But maybe my Higher Self does know what she is doing. My mom has now been out in CA for 8 years, and it is a great and glorious experience. She did have wonderful relocation and has wonderful new life in California, it all did work out perfectly for her.

Well since my Higher Self was the prime actor in all of this, maybe I’ll let Her describe how things are now:

Of course things are not perfect between Anne and Eleanor. Some daughters do have perfect relationships with their moms, but those are the ones where it was always perfect from the get-go, where the love, the closeness, and understanding were always there.

Anne was close to her dad, but there were always problems with her mom. Yes I have succeeded in totally transforming their relationship, and I did a magnificent job of it, altho it was frustrating, baffling to both of them, and very upset feelings for Eleanor.

In fact Eleanor did not forgive Annie, she paid her back (punished her) by cutting off the money Leon had left for his whole family. Altho Jimmy was able to intervene and convince Eleanor to give Anne some money again, which was nice of Jimmy. Altho Eleanor had just given him 1/4 million to put on upstairs on his house and do major fancy renovation, while sneakily she arranged that Annie would get practically no money at all.

Annie had no idea why the money was drastically cut down and then none at all, and finally she called her brother up in tears and desperation.

So that is when he talked to Eleanor and found out it was all happening on purpose, and Eleanor won’t forgive Anne. And he convinced Eleanor to to start sending her a little money again. Altho understandably she gives Jimmy so much more, after all he lives near her, they have dinner together every Monday, and he is there whenever she needs help.

Altho there is all kinds of help I can have Annie give her even tho she lives in Tucson. It was my idea that Eleanor be bought a computer and get on internet. So Jimmy did it, and taught her computer, and now that is the joy of her life. She loves internet and emailing. And email turned out to be perfect way for Anne and Eleanor to have a positive relationship.

I consider the relationship between Anne and Eleanor a work in progress. Anne’s problem is she still sees her mom judging her and criticizing her. This is hard habit to break, it is life-long, she always sees her mom this way.

Anne wants to know why what I did worked?

The short answer is it removed Eleanor’s guilt.

She was too controlling when Anne lived under her roof, and her guilt magnified and exaggerated it way out of proportion.

In fact Eleanor was a fine mother. Sure there were fights when Anne was a kid, she wanted more pretty clothes than she was allowed to have. But this was more than counterbalanced by the tremendous freedom Anne was given.

But guilt is always cruel and always false. And it was hard for Eleanor when she remembered all the fights she won, all the new party dresses Anne was not bought. And each time a Hollywood movie featured a dominating overbearing controlling mother, Eleanor tortured herself that that was her. Altho nothing could have been further from the truth.

And this is why when Leon went to Heaven and I knew she would need a real relationship with her daughter, there had to be a fight in the same living room where the fights in ancient history had taken place.

And Eleanor had to lose it, in order to see with her own two eyes, that the past never happened. And all there is is the present.

She had to see that whatever she did had zero effect on Anne, that Anne did exactly what she wanted to do.

The turning point really came in that very first fight, when her ferocious fighting had no effect on Anne at all, and she decided to change tactics.

She had the grace to give a shameful smile first and warn Annie, “I am going to pull out all the stops now.”

“Go ahead Mom, give it your best shot” Anne responded.

And then of course she played the grieving widow card. How could she resist. She was determined to win.

But losing was the best thing which ever happened to her. It was what saved her. Eleanor was freed from guilt, and all doors were open to a lovely new life for Eleanor, which is just what happened.

All my love to all of you, Anne's Higher Self

“How a booboo ends”

2008-07-04T09:47:00.000-07:00

"Belly Dancer" by Layla Edwards
4:44 am Friday, July 4th, 2008
“How a booboo ends”

Dawn is arriving now, it arrived at 4:44 this morning. I can see dawn's early light. It is thrilling. Everything is dark, but dawn's early light began. The birds have not yet woken up, all is still, all is quiet. I am up, Beanie is up, but the birds and insects have not yet woken up. There was thunderstorm last evening because of monsoon season. I saw what that sky looked like and someone somewhere did get major storm. But we just got some thunder and some rain. But I can't believe a sky like that did not produce major storm somewhere. O first bird tweeted, now another louder tweet. Now it is talking to itself, chirping to itself. It has a lot to say. It is the first bird up, and is having conversation in its nest. Maybe it is talking to its birdie family. O it is non-stop conversation. O it stopped. No, there it is again. I didn't realize birds were so talkative, they wake up talkative. It must be funny to be birdie, waking up in nest high up in tree with your whole family nestled around you, all warm and feathery and sweet.

Yesterday was the day my foot problem went away for real and for good. I knew it as soon as I woke up yesterday. It was the oddest experience, because I recognized it in my mind first. When I had foot booboo, before I would get up and walk, I would have little conversation in my mind about what it would be like, is it going to be easy to walk? or what will it be like? But yesterday when I woke up, and was going to start this conversation, it was like I pressed the button for the conversation, and I got "this program has been deleted." I wasn't able to bring up any questions. Walking was no longer in question. Booboo was no longer in question. It was like "subject is closed." I just knew I would walk perfectly and the whole thing was over. Because my mind had shut the door to anything else. It was so definitive. I actually saw it happen in my mind. I raised the question and door was slammed shut! There was an instant of static and then no sound at all. The topic could not be raised, the decision had been taken, it was over. And sure enough that is exactly what walking was like, it just was not in question in anyway. About walking or booboo or anything. It was taken out of existence.

It was as if before 10 times a day I would click button for "status of foot booboo" and I would get report like "feeling much better" or whatever. And yesterday when I clicked for status of foot booboo, I got "foot booboo does not exist, file not found." And that was the end of foot booboo.

Post script, 9:14 am My Dream:

After I wrote this, I went back to sleep and had huge dreams. All about food preparation in a house filled with people. Bill‘s friends were all there. And everyone was cooking food, me too. I even cooked 2 huge fish. Dream ended with a little old lady telling me she was going somewhere special. “Wait! I have just the perfume for you” I said, “let me get it. It is light and lovely.” She said “the taxi is waiting to take me.” “I will be very fast” I said. (In fact the perfume is called something like Angel perfume or Heaven, that is it, something like Heaven Sent). But when I get to my room, I realize the perfume is in my swim bag in back of truck. I am in such a hurry because she has taxi waiting. But I see the truck is right outside the window (open door) to my room. So I go out on balcony to jump down. But when I start the descent, I realize it was too steep a jump. It seems dangerous to make this jump. But I no longer can get back up. I wonder where Bill is, because he could help me make the jump, but I don’t know where he is. Finally I decide to just pray and trust and make the jump. And the happy miracle is, I floated down gently.

"Aquatheater" by Jean Luc Bozzoli

“Confidence” (or My Very Interesting Day)

2008-07-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

“Confidence” (or My Very Interesting Day)
July 2, 2008, Wednesday, 5:39 AM

Yesterday when I woke up I could not walk at all. The booboo in my foot was that bad. But worse than that was how mad I was about it. My mind was some awful cauldron of spitting mad and totally hopeless. “My life is shit” I thought. I don’t know why I generalized from booboo in my foot to my whole life, but that is what I did. I just lost confidence in everything. I totally lost it in every way. Plus I didn’t know what to do, not being able to walk is a big problem. Finally I was able to get from my bedroom to Bill’s bathroom right next door to it and back to bed again. Where I lied there having horrible thoughts. Then somehow I managed to get to kitchen, put up coffee, and get to my computer, where I sat here having horrible thoughts.

Finally my Higher Self suggested she would communicate a blog about what is going on, to help me. I called it “My Higher Self Encourages Me,” and I took down her communication. She began off accurately describing what was going on, especially in my mind, what my feelings were. Which actually helped me. I had been having horrible feelings and horrible ideas, and then upset with myself for having them. She took away the second upset by baldly stating my awful ideas and feelings. She just put them out there as the facts in the case. “Anne thinks her whole life is shit” my Higher Self baldly said. Which had bracing effect on me, it was exactly what I did think. Then she affirmed it was an ascension symptom. When I lost hope I lost hope in everything, it was nice being reassured on that score. And then she suggested it would get better as the day wore on (my tootsies) and the day will have lots of treats for me. This was very nice to hear. As it never occurred to me anything good could happen to me. When you think your life is shit all you see happening is more of the same.

Then things began to get interesting. First I turned on my email and there was a nice email from my brother telling me he had just read my Old Forge story (I wrote it and sent it to him year a half ago) and he said he really liked it and it was a good read. This was a story abut our childhood summers up in the Adirondacks. Since my brother never reads my stories, I was pleased as punch he read this one and liked it so much. I wrote back nice thank you email. I thought “whaddyaknow, I got a treat, my Higher Self is not a total liar.” Then I read Gloria’s Letter from God, where God suggested we listen to our impulses, which was very interesting, a whole different take on my own approach to my own impulses. So then I noticed I didn’t want to be at my computer, I wanted to be back in bed. Plus I wanted a cup of coffee and I wasn’t able to walk into kitchen to get it.

So my Higher Self suggested I wake up Bill (it was only 5 am) and have him help me get back to my bedroom and also to bring in cup of coffee for me. This was a shocking idea to me. I didn’t think Bill would like to be woken up 2 hours early, plus not like finding out his wife couldn’t walk. But I did it! He only scolded me a little, “you are never to wear high heels again!” Since Bill doesn’t believe in ascension symptoms, I told him I got it from wearing high heels. Once I was back in bed, drinking my coffee, Bill made it delicious with cream and sugar, I discovered I was happy. My foot was no longer bothering me, I could lie there completely happy. And I put my pillow by open window and looked out. I was relaxed and happy.

Then Bill announced it was so very early he was going to take Beanie to the park in the truck. During hot summer, at the time when Bill usually gets up, has his coffee, takes his shower, it is then too hot to do anything but take Beanie on short walk around neighborhood. But I had gotten him up 2 hours early, it was the perfect time to take Beanie for long walk in beautiful wash behind Fort Lowell park. “Great!” I said, “Great!”

We had mentioned to Anthony, one of the young lifeguards at pool, that because Lulu went to Heaven we are looking for second dog for Bean and because Bean has terrible mental problems, starts fights with everything, best thing is a very docile girl basset-hound or beagle. Someone who will just ignore Beanie being an ogre the way Lulu did. But Anthony had adopted a beautiful boy Belgium shepherd, Montana, who was now one year old, and Anthony was looking for a good home for Montana, because he said it is no life for Montana, cooped up all day in tiny apartment, while Anthony works all day at pool and goes to school. He really wanted us to take Montana.

And the evening before Bill and I both had long communications with our Higher Self to see if there was anyway this could work, and both our Higher Selfs told us “it would take a miracle, but go ahead.” So we had both woken up planning to do it. Bill said “maybe Anthony will be in the park jogging with Montana, the dogs can meet.” And I said “take Anthony’s phone number with you, maybe you can call him, there is a payphone near the pool.”

So then Bill left with Beanie, and as hard as this is to believe, I just lied there in bliss on my soft pillow with face to open window, drinking my delicious coffee, and happy that Bill was overjoyed to take Beanie for great early morning outing, instead of being furious at me for getting him up. He was so happy to be up early and taking Beanie to the park

And so I peacefully and happily watched the clouds, watched the birds, drank my coffee, and had happy thoughts.

Bill was gone long time. I wanted second cup of coffee. But finally he got back home and said “if you will sit in the living room with me I will tell you everything that happened.” I said “OK, let me bring in my cigs and you go get me ‘nother cup of coffee.”

And we sat in living room together. Well of course the walk in the beautiful wash at dawn was heaven. Both Bill and Beanie loved it. It was still cool and shadowy, all the smells of the animals were still there, they both loved it and walked for miles. And the great news was, Bill said, he discovered Beanie can be off the leash, he did not run away, he just followed Bill and came back when called. Bill was overjoyed. He said this means that Beanie doesn’t only have to be walked around the neighborhood like a monkey on a stick, he can take Beanie for all kinds of great hikes up in the forest of Mount Lemon, and all the beautiful washes at day break, and when weather turns cool in Fall way out to the pristine desert too.

“The bad news is Beanie is nutty as a fruitcake.” And Bill described in detail the two dogs Beanie attacked in the park for absolutely no reason at all, perfectly sweet nice dogs minding their own business. And when Bill said that, we both knew there was no way we could adopt Montana. As both our Higher Selfs told us at that moment, “there is 50 percent chance it would work out, we would get a miracle, and 50 per cent it wouldn’t.” And Montana is huge dog, Beanie is shrimp, it would be huge mistake for Beanie to attack Montana.

When Lulu went to Heaven 9 days ago, Bill buried her body in our backyard under the cottonwood tree in back. And for some reason he has been paranoid ever since that it is against the law to do this, that we will get in trouble for it. Even tho I reassured him that Cora has had gazillion dogs over past 50 years, and each time one goes to Heaven, Floyd, her husband, buries the body in their backyard. Bill just says “maybe their dogs were not in the system and no one knew they had the dogs to start with, but because Lulu was licensed they will want to find out.”

When Bill raised this anxiety again yesterday morning, for some reason my mind was clear as a bell. I thought ‘there is so much on our plate now, I don’t want him to suffer from this fear, I am going to take it away right now.’ And even tho I supposedly couldn’t walk at all, I said “it’s a week-day morning, it is after 9 am, I am going in to call animal control right now, let's get this worry off your mind, I might have to walk slowly but I am going to walk in and call.” And I didn’t have to walk so slowly. I did not have a hard time getting to my computer room where the phone was.

My computer was still on, so I googled the phone number for animal control, found the paper for Lulu’s licensing and called. And I told the woman how we had gotten the notice it was time to take Lulu for new rabies shot and re-licensing two months ago, and since Lulu had been acting out of it, we were glad to take her to the doctor anyway, and doctor said he wouldn’t give her rabies shot, she has problems. And I told the woman “and last week Lulu went to Heaven.” And the woman said “O I am so sorry.” She was so sweet and so sympathetic, not one bit the monster Bill had envisioned who would arrest us. She said “O I am so sorry and I will delete Lulu from the system,” which she did.

And I came back to tell Bill the good news. He can forget all his fears, she was tender and sympathetic. And I guess this is what turned the whole corner of the day for me. How could I not have back all my confidence in life, now that I had helped my husband! It meant that I was fine, it meant that life is good and true and real and beneficent, and we are all protected. It meant that all is well. It gave me back all my strength.

And Bill’s happiness soared too now that that was off his mind, and he described how beautiful the wash was in that early morning dawn, what a great time he and Beanie had, and what a great future they will have. All the things they can do, now that he discovered Beanie follows him and can be off the leash, and listens to him and wants to listen to him. Bill was overjoyed about that.

“We’ll have to let Anthony know we are not going to take Montana, I’ll call him now.” “Offer to do Craig’s List for him” Bill said, “tell him how you did Craig’s List for Mike the mechanic when his dog had 13 puppies and within two weeks, homes had been found for all 13 puppies.”

First I called Anthony at the pool, but when there was no answer I remembered Anthony does not arrive till 12:30, he does late shift at pool, 12:30 to 8:30. So I called the phone number he gave Bill which must be cellphone. I wonder if I woke him up. I said “this is Anne from the pool, last night we thought we would adopt Montana, but this morning Bill took Beanie to Fort Lowell park, he thought you might be there with Montana and the dogs could meet, but Beanie attacked all the dogs, he has mental problems, and we can’t adopt Montana, and do you want me to do Craig’s List for you, I will be happy to.” Anthony said “no.” I said “I understand, you want Montana to go to a good home where you know the people and know he will be loved and well taken care of.” And then I said “Bill and I will leave no stone unturned to find wonderful home for Montana.” And then I got off. It was terrible connection, I could barely hear Anthony and it didn’t seem like he was saying very much.

It was confusing phone call for me, but still I wanted to let Anthony know we would not be adopting Montana, he had had his heart set on it.

Then Bill made himself delicious breakfast (I said no thank you when he offered it to me), an omelette with onions green pepper and tomato, and two cheeses, provolone and cottage cheese. Bill rarely eats, it is always cause for celebration when he does, it is always a statement all is right with the world when he does. And he called me in to admire his omelette which I did. He is a great cook. And when I walked into the kitchen to see the omelette in the pan, I noticed I was walking perfectly. “Look! Bill! Look!” I walked backwards, I walked forward, I walked backwards again. “Look Bill look! I am walking perfectly.”

He then washed his clothes in washing machine, pinned them up on line outside, and I went in to answer emails, and they were all nice emails, I was having good time. And he said “I hear thunder, we better swim now.” So we went to Billie’s pool at Catalina high school. I said “that ladder is hard for me, putting all my weight on one foot, if I need help will you help me.” And he said yes. I was walking perfectly now but I thought the ladder would be hard.

While swimming I had long talk with my Higher Self about Montana and Anthony. I really really really wanted to help Anthony with Montana. And my Higher Self said something very interesting. Bill and I had put all our focus on trying to find good home for Montana.

But my Higher Self said “Montana already has a good home, Anthony loves Montana, and Montana loves Anthony. The problem is Anthony can’t figure out how to give Montana a good life.” And she even said, “it is hard for Anthony, air conditioning costs a fortune and Anthony is never home, but he has to leave it on all day for Montana because desert is furnace in summer.” And she suggested I ask Billie, who is the boss of all the lifeguards, if Anthony could be allowed to take Montana to the pool. Dogs are not allowed on deck, but they are allowed in the little house where the lifeguards are. They are all dog lovers and it is air conditioned there. And then Montana won’t be so lonely all day long.

I swam over to Bill in his lane and said “maybe we can come up with ideas of how Anthony can provide happier life for Montana, maybe Anthony can take him with him to work.” And Bill said “Don’t meddle! Don’t say a word to Billie! Billie is Anthony’s boss. Don’t meddle, Anne!” Billie is passionate dog lover and has 4 dogs, I thought even if he said no, he would be sympathetic to the whole situation. But when Bill said “don’t meddle” and he said it sternly, I changed my mind and decided to keep my mouth shut.

I signaled to Bill that I was getting out of pool now, and to keep an eye out in case I needed help with the ladder. And it was true I could not put all my weight on that one foot to swing myself out. And at first I didn’t know what I would do. But on Friday I had crawled out and I decided to do that again. Only this time I had an audience. Apparently Bill was watching, and the girl in next lane who has big mouth was watching. And as I crawled out I heard her call out to whole pool “she hurt her foot from wearing high heels.”

But you know my spirits were sky high. I have no idea why the flooding happiness, which had flooded in at some point in the morning, was such a happy strong flow. As weird as it sounds to say, I was happier than I had ever been in my whole life. Something was really soaring in my happiness. I had such confidence! Such confidence in life! It really affected my whole perception. That everything I thought was so terrible when I woke up, had turned out to be the modus vivendi for bringing in so much more opportunity and happiness for all. My confidence generalized. I had more confidence in myself! More confidence in Bill! More confidence in God! More confidence in the whole world! I had more confidence in all my friends and relatives and everyone I knew.

And on the way home I explained to Bill about Anthony and Montana. In the pool Bill had said, “but Anthony must have tried to come up with way to have happy life for Montana, when he couldn’t he decided the solution was to give Montana to good home.” In the car I said “just because Anthony couldn’t come up with a solution doesn’t mean there isn’t one, he doesn’t communicate with his Higher Self. Maybe we can come up with ideas. Anthony loves Montana, Montana loves Anthony, so Montana already has a good home, we don’t have to find good home for Montana. We just have to figure out how he can have happy life with Anthony.

“And we don’t know what will happen. Maybe Anthony will find a wonderful girlfriend, who will have a backyard, or be home a lot so she can stay with Montana. Anything can happen…”

(link to "My Higher Self Encourages Me")

“My Higher Self Encourages Me”

2008-07-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

Water Of Life
poster by Flora Edwards (Layla)

4:54 AM, Tuesday, July 1 2008

“My Higher Self Encourages Me”

Communicated from my Higher Self

OK Annie woke up this morning and her foot booboo was so bad she could not walk. Yes she made it to the bathroom, yes she made it to in here, but it upsets her. She is getting upset about it. Maybe we should talk about what is going on, I hope there is some way I can help her. I don’t like her being this upset, and there is no reason for her to be this upset.

Yes she has a foot booboo. Yes it is an ascension symptom. I don’t care that she can look down and see her foot all swollen, it is still an ascension symptom, there is no illness there is no disease, there is no problem. All she has to do is figure out how to make her foot feel more comfortable. As for walking, what can she do, but do the best she can do. There is nothing to be done but to wait this thing out. It will go away, but meanwhile she has to live with it. And she should try to live with it as best as she can.

From the point of view of Heaven, an ascension symptom is a good thing, not a bad thing. Because it means you are transforming, you are transmuting, you are moving to higher dimension. Strictly speaking this is cause for happiness, joy, congratulations, applause. But discomfort is discomfort. Actually she doesn’t have discomfort, she simply can’t walk, she can’t put weight on that foot.

She didn’t have any emotional problems connected to it till this morning. Because it is 5th day, and because she thought it had been getting better. She got discouraged this morning. But discouraged just means she lost her faith; she has to get it back. I know everything looks bad to her right now. But in fact nothing is bad, except her foot booboo, everything else is fine. She can make a big deal about the foot booboo and say “my whole life is shit.” But her whole life is not shit. She just has a foot booboo. Her whole life is fine.

So my best suggestion to her, is try not to make a big deal about it. It is a very little thing in the scheme of things, it is just a booboo it will go away. It causes a few problems when she has it, but not so many. And after all it is dawn now, the day has begun. Her foot will feel better as the day wears on. It isn’t going to stay this way. So darling let’s be happy, there is so much to be happy for. Life is not tragic. And my sweet sweet darling, you do not know the treats in store for you today. It will be full of treats and you will love them. So put your smile back on your face, lift up your spirits, and know that God is good and loves you with all his heart.

I love you
Your Higher Self

"Monsoon"

2008-06-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
Sunday, June 29, 2008, 7:30 AM

“Monsoon”

Well it’s hard to believe I slept till 7 am and woke up to full daylight. I was late sleeper when I lived in the city but desert makes you want to wake up at dawn. In winter dawn is icy cold and it’s hard to pull yourself away from the soft warm nest of your down quilts. But year-round I am wide awake at dawn and ready to start my day. I think it is funny that I overslept this morning. It just seems funny that I was happily snoozing and dreaming while desert woke up and launched its day. That when I awoke desert was already having its full morning. I was the sleepy-head who arrived late to the morning.

Yesterday was such a strange day. My foot felt a lot better so walking was not such a drama for me, and today I will probably forget about my foot altogether. It was interesting observing the day of getting better. It only lasts one day because the day after that it is better, and you forget a problem ever existed, it is just so utterly natural to feel fine. But the day of getting better, you notice that everything which was hard for you the day before, has now become so much easier. You actually experience a cycle taking its upturn. It brings so many positive thoughts into your mind, because literally with each step you take you think “yesterday it was worse, now it is better.” It restores your confidence in life, that things do get better. I am glad I noticed the day of getting better.

Another odd thing about yesterday is I didn’t get upset. For the whole past week, at some point very late in the afternoon as we neared evening, my mind would start to plotz. It would come out of nowhere. I would start remembering all the bad things which ever happened to me, and start dreading bad things which could happen to me. And get myself totally worked up. This would last for two hours. Then I would calm down, realize all is fine, and actually happily watch an episode of “Andy Griffiths Show” and go peacefully to sleep. My dreams have all been peaceful.

But yesterday that did not happen. Instead of turning my mind into a disaster zone, I happily watched a very long movie about the Temptations, the ups and downs of the young men in that singing group. And when Bill got back from watching his movie at the dollar movie theater on Grand Road, Beanie and I were lying on bed together watching the movie. During the very long commercials I gave him a million pets, which of course he loved.

And Bill told me that “Son of Rambow” turned out not to be a shoot ‘em up kill kill kill movie, but was sensitive story about a little boy in England who hates school and who hates science class and hated his science teacher and who became friends with a boy who was even a badder boy in school, and he became a cartoonist.

And then Bill sat outside in front yard to take the air, and I went back to watching those young men from Detroit and their families and all their ups and downs in singing group, and petting Beanie of course.

And I guess you could say on a symbolic level-- late afternoon, the time when the monsoon arrives, the huge thunderstorm-- yesterday afternoon, the skies remained peaceful and so did my mind. The late afternoon thunderstorm in my mind did not break out. All that tension did not build. It was the reverse. I watched the Temptations and I petted Beanie, and I was overjoyed that Bill got a movie which interested and delighted him, all was well.

I won’t say yesterday was not intense. I feel as if our planet has arrived in some intense pocket of the universe. All I did was have a short swim and come right home and watch tv all day. And yet it feels like it was an intense day. I could say the weather was the emblem of it, but it wasn’t caused by the weather, it was mirrored in the weather, there is a lot of pressure in monsoon season weather. And I guess by intense time, I must mean the energy is intense. It is an intense energy time. Monsoon weather reflects it, it keeps up the pressure and there is no let-up, and I see why this intense energy time is the same. I just have to go with the flow of the intense energy, as I have to go with the flow with monsoon weather pressure. And maybe it would help me be more accepting of this intense energy time, of this period of intensity, if I saw it the way I see monsoon season on the desert. Monsoon season isn’t a joyride, day and night are all about building up the pressure for the monsoon, the thunderstorm which arrives late each afternoon, altho sometimes it comes and sometimes it doesn’t. But let’s be honest, there would be no life on the desert if these life-giving waters did not arrive each summer. LOL you just have to go thru the hell of monsoon season to have the life-giving waters. That is what the hell of monsoon season brings, that is its whole purpose. It restores all the electricity to the earth and brings the life-giving waters. It is the bringer of life. The sun brings the light and warmth, it is the great creator of life, but it has to be watered by the monsoons. It would dry up and wither without it. The monsoons bring the new lease on life, revitalizes it.

And I guess that is what I am going thru now and maybe everyone. We are being revitalized. It aint a picnic, but out with the old, in with the new. I am starting to see how it brings fresh clean slate for new beginning.

“Big Shopping at Fry’s Yesterday”

2008-06-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
I haven't written in 3 weeks

and it was 3 earthshaking weeks

One of those months you never forget, there was so much emotion and intensity

And so much soul-searching

So it makes sense when I decided to return to my writing this morning, I wound up writing this simple little story about grocery shopping yesterday

LOL it is how we return to the world, when we have been out of the world

All my love, Anne

“Big Shopping at Fry’s Yesterday”
5:43 AM, Saturday, June 28, 2008

It is a soft morning. End of June, July is in a few days. Monsoon season on the desert has started, so early morning air is soft warm dampish. Already some clouds have appeared. The world of green out my window is soft and blurry. Without clarity nothing is distinct. All the leaves seem to blend into each other. This is not a world of high definition, it is the reverse, this is the soft world.

And I can see how a baby would be born in this soft world, warm and moist, where there are no edges. It is a soft new-born world. Just a soft attractive green blur where the trees are. Everything has been softened for baby’s first day. The world has been turned into a nursery.

I did a big shopping at Fry’s yesterday. It was the highlight of my day. I woke up with booboo in my foot, another ascension symptom (the body adapting to moving into faster frequency). It was so hard walking from room to room, I thought “no way will I able to do my shopping at Fry’s today. No way will I be able to do anything, go outside and open windows on truck, put the dishes in the dishwasher, and supermarket shopping at Fry’s is out.” But in fact when Bill walked Beanie, I did hobble out and open all the windows on the truck. And that gave me confidence. So I did load all the dishes into the dishwasher and even walked around the house looking for more dishes. And that gave me a lot of confidence, because it meant everything is on schedule.

I didn’t think I would be able to do grocery shopping when it was so hard to hobble to the truck to go swimming. I thought “we will just have to make do with the food we already have in house.” But I swam for whole hour at Billie's pool. And I thought “this long soak must be good for my tootsies,” and I realized I really wanted to do that shopping, it would make me feel strong to do it. I swam over to Bill just before I left the pool and said “do you want to do Fry’s after the pool?” He said “it’s up to you, is your foot up to it?” “Yes” I said. Of course getting out of the pool was not easy, I had to climb that ladder to get out and my foot just couldn’t take the weight. I was stymied! Finally I simply crawled onto the cement deck. It didn’t give me confidence that I couldn’t climb the ladder to get out of the pool, but had to crawl on the cement deck, but at least I had gotten out of the pool. I took my shower and washed my hair. I really wanted to do the supermarket shopping.

I thought, I will have that big shopping cart to lean into, it will make it easy for me, plus Bill can help me out, he can get the soda and the vegetables, and dish detergent for washing dishes. I was very motivated to do the shopping because there were some things I was all out of.

We haven’t been to Fry’s in long time. It is close to Billie’s pool but not close to Fort Lowell pool, and we have been swimming at Fort Lowell pool every day. Plus ever since Sunflower market opened, it has been so appealing to go there. It is close to home and on the way home; it is small intimate market, I know everyone; and it is so attractive and everything there is nice. It is so easy. That is why I always wind up at Sunflower. Altho I always loved Fry’s, it’s just that it is a huge supermarket so I always wind up doing huge shopping.

And it is luxurious a huge supermarket, because it does have everything. Sunflower has very nice food, but if you need dish detergent you have to go to another store, or if you want soda you have to go to another store. I was out of a lot of things that Sunflower doesn’t carry. It was so nice to be able to buy all the food I wanted plus all the other things I was out of. And anyway I just love Fry’s.

It is a big experience, an adventure.

Plus I knew if I did big shopping at Fry’s it would put it in perspective for Bill about my foot. Of course it alarmed him when he saw me hobbling, but if he saw me do huge shopping at Fry’s, he would realize it was no big deal. And so would I! It would put it in perspective for me too. It is a bit of a nuisance but it is a big nothing.

I really did have a great time shopping at Fry’s. While swimming at pool I had memorized all the things I needed. I didn’t want it to be a shopping where, when I got home, I realized half the reason I went there I forgot to buy those things. Plus now that Sunflower is my main market, I have clear ideas what Sunflower doesn’t have, what I have to go to Fry’s for, and I wanted to be sure to buy those things.

So I did huge shopping and loaded up my cart. And Bill took his own cart and got all the soda and the vegetables, frozen vegetables to make suppers out of, and fresh vegetables for salads, and dish washing detergent too, two boxes of it. And it made it so easy for me that he chose his frozen vegetables for cooking dinner, and I didn’t have to figure out what he likes.

I knew it would be huge heavy shopping to take into house, but he was so overjoyed to see that my foot was no impediment to accomplishing huge shopping, that he happily brought it all in.

When we got to check-out counter, we arrived together, the girl who was bagging my groceries asked me if I was from Queens. I lit up with delight. Who in the world would recognize my accent as a Queens accent! Most people in Tucson are thrilled out of their mind when they identify it as a New York accent. They ask me very tentatively “are you from New York by any chance?” Or if they are not that confident, they say “where are you from?” And when I say “New York” they say “I guessed it!” They are so excited and happy at their insightfulness, so delighted with themselves. I don’t know if any of them have even heard of Queens. So you can imagine how excited I was when the woman said “are you from Queens?” “YES!!!” I said. I knew she had to be from Queens too to recognize my accent.

And when she met us at the truck as Bill was stowing away the groceries, she told us all about herself. I don’t know the part of Queens where she grew up, Queens is very big, and there are so many parts I don’t know at all. But it turned out her dad was handball player, Bill had become a handball player in New York so he knew that world. On all the holidays her dad would go to Brighton Beach where the top handball players from all over the city congregated to play with each other. And her dad would go fishing there too, on party boats, just as Bill did. Her dad liked handball and fishing, just like Bill. She said her parents moved to Tucson when she was 19 years old and she came with them, they all moved out here together, so she has been here long time. And she told Bill “you look like a contractor, are you a contractor by any chance?” Because, she told Bill, her husband Raul, he is Mexican-- “I love Mexicans!” I said, which is true-- does the cement work, but he got laid off when the building boom in Tucson stopped. And she said “it is causing marital problems.” She got the job at Fry’s because they needed money, but it makes him feel bad that he can’t take care of her, and she really wants him to find work, it will get him out of the house, plus he will feel good again. And she wrote down their name and phone number.

And Bill said on the way home, “if we had money, I would hire him to cement that outside wall, where the big crack was, I did the job but I don’t like how it looks, I would have him do it all over again, plus the wall in the kitchen which is tumbling down.” “We might have money” I said, “I forgot to check my lottery ticket while I was in Fry’s, we could have money and not know about it.” And we both thought about all the work we would hire him to do, so he would get out of the house and be happy again.

And the woman said “I don’t know why I am telling you this,” and then she told us about her 99 year old aunt who is so independent and how she called her, and her aunt said “Bethie! I am so happy to talk to you,” and she told us “Bethie is my baby name.” But of course I called her Bethie after that, it is how I learned her name. But I could see she was surprised that the only person in the whole world who calls her by her baby name is her 99 year old aunt, and a girl in the Fry’s parking lot.

Post script, well the sun rose, sky is blue, birds are out and about. And my foot is all better. I guess shopping at Fry’s did the trick.

“My friend Nora has a lot on her plate now”

2008-06-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
6:12 am, Tuesday, June 10, 2008
“My friend Nora has a lot on her plate now”

This is a very intense time for everyone. I got email from Nora back in New York City who says she is engaged with huge struggle with her mom now. And then I got follow-up email detailing it. I agree it is huge. I didn’t comment directly on it when I wrote back to her. Her wonderful grown up daughter is helping her, plus her sweet husband. It is a family dispute, and Nora is lucky to have her own family helping her out. She is not alone.

I can see why it would be very hard for Nora or anyone to be in this boat. Apparently 40 year ago a mischief-making aunt made up lies about Nora and told her parents these lies and for 40 years her parents have believed them. It was dark secrets they held against Nora, but she had no idea. It is only now it is all coming out. Nora is deeply upset by the horrific lies, plus that her parents believed these deep dark secrets for 40 years. But somehow in the process of all this coming out in the wash, so is everything else! Nora is finding out all kinds of perceptions her mom has about her and her life, and is very dismayed.

It’s one of those things which looks like a big mess and of course Nora’s emotions about it are huge. But what struck me when I read the email, but which I did not say, is it is better for these lies to come out in the open than to continue to be hidden in secret. At least Nora can say “this is totally untrue.” Her parents can choose to be believe Nora or not, but at least Nora gets to say “this is completely false, none of that happened.” Nora actually can set the record straight on everything, now that she found out all the crazy things they think.

But if ever there was something which is maelstrom of emotion this is it. Because how can someone not be deeply upset at the content of the lies; that someone would make this up and tell your parents; and that your parents would believe it. All the sources for a maelstrom of emotion are here. Plus finding out your parents’ incorrect and distorted perception of everything which has happened in your life since you are grown up and started your own family.

I can see how from a spiritual perspective this is an incredible opportunity to deal with everything at once. I mean if Nora can get on top of her emotions, the girl would be absolutely invincible, invulnerable, and free for the rest of her life. She would go into a state of bliss and peace, which nothing could ever disturb ever again. Because everything being thrown at her now is the hardest which could possibly happen. If she can get on top of this one, she would never be mad at anyone or upset with anyone ever again. Because she would have gotten on top of the most maddening and upsetting thing which could happen.

I can’t believe I am sitting here thinking “what a beautiful challenge is laid out for my friend Nora, and when she solves all this she will be free and happy as a bird, it will be her deliverance, this is an amazing opportunity.” I say this knowing what a maelstrom of emotion must be going on in her head now, and how life must be hell. But it has the odd effect of making me love and admire Nora, and appreciate her, and feel very close to her and look at her with wonder and joy. Because some part of me knows that some part of her set this challenge to herself now.

I know exactly what it is. For first time Nora seems real to me. Even tho we had an on-and-off again close friendship during our early 30s in New York City, I can’t say I ever knew Nora or identified with her. I never understood her. But this struggle I understand, Nora calls it “a huge struggle with my mom,” but I see it as a huge struggle with her emotions, and a huge struggle with emotions is something I do understand completely, from the inside-out. It has been my life. Which is why I feel so much love and closeness and respect for Nora that she is undergoing it now. No matter what the outcome, I have so much respect for Nora that she has taken up this challenge in her life now. For the first time I understand Nora from the inside out, I know exactly what she is going thru, where her head is at, what her life is like now. And I respect her to the skies for undergoing it, and have nothing but total love for her.

It is interesting, there are two ways to admire another human being. There is Gandhi and Martin Luther King, who I worship, I love them beyond measure, and I admire them beyond measure. It goes beyond admiration, it is worship. And gratitude, immense gratitude, they did this for all of us, they are spiritual leaders and liberators of the world. I am humble devotee when it comes to them. They are my greatest heros. But then there is the love and admiration I feel for Nora right now. And that love and admiration includes me in it. It never occurred to me to love or admire myself for what I did. But by loving and admiring Nora for what she is doing now, I am including myself in that love and admiration. That is why I feel so close to Nora now and I never really did feel close to her before. I never knew her before. It is my love and understanding and admiration of her, which makes me feel so close to her. And the really interesting thing is, how many of us right now, are just like Nora. I mean I only know what Nora is going thru because of those 2 emails yesterday, the first which said “I am going thru a huge struggle with my mom right now,” and then the second email detailing everything. But it could be half the world-- it could be more, 3/4 of the world-- is sitting here right now, with a heaping plate of the most difficult thing in the world to solve, right in front of them. We are all dealing with something very difficult for us and very hard right now, we are all Nora.

I was friends with Nora before she had her lovely daughter and her lovely husband, so if she had a struggle with anyone, she was alone in her struggle. This is the big one, the World War 11 of struggles, what she went thru when I knew her were just the tiny skirmishes in life. This is the battle field of the whole world. Not only is her mom involved, and how she must feel about that aunt, but feelings about her dad, her brother; the whole family back in Montana is involved. World War 2 has broken out in Nora’s life and her job is to find peace in her mind and heart about it all, and bring all these relationships to peace.

I would say this is impossible to do without God coaching us every step of the way, without God pouring his love and comfort all over you. Holding your hand, helping you write the letters. As I assume this is all taking place in emails, or letters if her family in Montana is not on email. But I think instead of God being her coach, it is her daughter and husband. It is their love which is holding her up, their help which is helping her, and their wise counsel being brought to bear. She said she read her letter back to them to her daughter first, and Mary suggested she take out some of the things she had written “because they will cause hard feelings.”

For me, my struggles brought me to close intimate relationship with God. But I have a hunch Nora’s struggle now will expand and re-vivify her love for her husband and daughter to infinity. Because these horrendous horrific struggles all seem to have the purpose (among other things) of bringing an infinity of love into your life. You get to experience a love and closeness which is truly divine. For me it was with God. But with Nora, she is getting to experience divine love with her husband and daughter, and this is a gift from Heaven. This is the source of true joy in Nora’s life, which will bring her the supreme happiness.

Blue skies from now on

2008-06-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

my friend posted this photo, I love it
Blue skies from now on
Saturday, June 7, 5:44 am 2008

It is a beautiful early morning. Sun has not reached my yard yet, but is kissing the tops of trees to the west. It must be just peeping over the mountains to the east. Yesterday was flawless blue sky and it looks like today will be too. Good! TV is proclaiming stratospheric heat returns today. We had lovely reprieve yesterday and day before, it only went up to high nineties, was actually perfect. We’ll see, TV isn’t always right. Maybe it will only go up to 99 which is bearable.

I woke up this morning annoyed abut my pimple, which is maybe a good sign. If I am bothered about my pimple does it mean, what has weighed on my heart, has lifted? I pray so. I would love to be heart free, heart carefree, again. It seems like dream come true. It is all I ask. To have heart like happy birdie again, chirping, and playing and flying and whistling, hopping from branch to branch just for the joy of it. We'll see. I have been involved in a big enterprise, which isn’t exactly a change of heart, but a big change of mind. And my heart has been the motor behind it all. It’s been a huge locomotive carrying a huge train behind it all across the country. I don’t mind. Sometimes earthshaking changes are called for, and this is one of those times. But it will be nice to have mission accomplished, and let the little choo-choo of my heart, go off the track and play in the meadow with the daisies and bluebells, and the robins and the blue birds. Let it be draped with daisy chains again. That is really all hearts like to do, be happy in a meadow. I don’t think they are meant to be powerful locomotives. They like to sing and play, and not be going anywhere, just existing for the joy of it.

It is very interesting. When I first fell asleep last night, I had 14 dreams in a row of total frustration. I never had frustration dreams before. LOL every detail, every experience down to the smallest detail was frustration. Even when I tried to sign my name, the pen wouldn’t write, the ink wouldn’t come out, it was ball point pen and wouldn’t work. So I picked up red pen and same thing happened there. I woke up a little alarmed. And then I thought “well these dreams all involve politics in some way, maybe I am just experiencing frustration over politics.” But that isn’t quite true, because the first of the dreams involved me trying to heal my friend Lydia. She couldn’t make up her mind if she wanted me to do the healing, or I couldn’t figure out if she did?

So all I can hope is that the dreams were a way of eliminating a lot of frustration in my mind. I hope I got rid of it by having all those dreams in a row. What a burden on the mind to carry around all this frustration.

And it may be that some of the burdens on my mind have lessened, that my mind is lighter. Because yesterday after swim pool, we stopped at Sunflower Market where I did huge grocery shopping. Seems to me in the past, after huge grocery shopping-- so much is involved, so many decisions, and so many conflicts on way home, “did I buy the right stuff! did I buy too much! did I make mistakes!” and then the project of putting it all away-- It just seems to me that in the past, after huge grocery shopping I was completely nuts. And had to lie down and drink coca-cola and smoke cigarettes in front of tv, to get back my peace and my energy. And this time my grocery bill was substantially higher than it had ever been in past! and I bought way more! but the whole thing, from start to finish, happened and I did not turn myself into a nervous wreck, anywhere along the line. I did not beat myself up in the car on way home for what I bought. I did not have stress putting it all away. It all happened without stress. I was cool as a cucumber all thru it from start to finish. I never lost my mind. My first major grocery shopping without losing my mind!

It sure was nice that it all went off effortless from start to finish. I did not have to recover from the whole experience, because I didn’t lose it in the process. It was nice holding on to my mind all thru it. Of course I have not been engaged in this monumental mental labor for past month in order to have easy grocery shopping. I didn’t even think it was possible to have easy grocery shopping, I thought that is how it is. But my mind must be more peaceful if I had easy grocery shopping. Which is odd because yesterday was such an intense day, so unbelievably intense! I had so many emotions as I was just swimming along in my lane, I became so desperate. In fact I ended my swim early, I thought “am I having nervous breakdown?” I ended my swim early and thought “OK time to face grocery shopping.” I wasn’t looking forward to it. I thought it would be hard on many levels, and instead it was a piece of cake.

I remember on the way to the pool how insecure I felt. I kept thinking about my grandmother, I just wanted to bury my head in her lap, and have her make me feel secure. All I wanted in the whole world was to feel secure again. But that day of high intensity has come and gone. All those emotions. And I did have easy grocery shopping to top it off. Blue skies from now on is the theme of Gloria’s Letter from God this morning, and it is a nice thought to hold in my mind, blue skies from now on. It would be nice to live in that peaceful happy world of blue skies from now on. I would love that.....

My brother goes on bicycle trip with friends yesterday, takes these photos
(I grocery shop in Sunflower, while Danny rides to top of mountain)

Obscure trails...

A graceful bridge on Drake View...

The top of Mt Vision

Waking up to green garden delight after dark night of dreams

2008-06-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
6:12 AM, Sunday, June 1, 2008
“After the darkest dreams, I wake up to sunlit world”

Well it’s a beautiful morning. So lit up, so green and colorful and blue sky and so much light, such a garden of delight, that it is transforming to look out at it. Because I had dark dark dark dreams all night. I was in such a dark spider-webby world all night, that it is incredible experience to pull my awareness out of that deep darkness and look out at all this prettiness and light. To see in reality it is a beautiful morning taking place, and not such deep darkness. I’m not mad about my dreams tho, because they had such purging effect on me.

I feel like I spent the night in a dungeon and opened my eyes when I woke up to paradise.

I explored the deepest darkest corners of my mind in my dreams. Even that awful place where the awful hot withering breath of fear lives. The awful dragon which lives in the awful dungeon of my mind. The denizen of the dungeon, who presides over the underworld of my mind. He blew his fetid fumes all over me and I experienced his full withering effect. It destroys everything, but beyond that, it destroys all hope. The sign to his horrible underworld really should read “abandon all hope ye who enter here.” It really was awful coming face-to-face in my dream with that experience, being so laid low by it.

But I woke up, saw dawn had just started, shut off all the night lights, put up the coffee, and to my surprise fell back asleep and to my great surprise, I don’t know if I have ever done this before, the dreams took up where they had ended before. To my very big surprise, I was sitting around a room with the very same people, where the awful breath of fear had happened. And the man turned to me, to my big surprise and said “what did you dream?” And I said the dream to him and the group. And to my big surprise he was on my side. I really wanted him to roll up the venetian blinds which covered all the windows, and to let the light stream in, and to my surprise he did it. O it was so nice to see that light stream in the windows. And he suggested we make a movie of my dream, and I thought that was a good idea, I was excited about the project.

And there was a nice dream, a dream where my big cousin Carl and his dad, and me and my dad, were all going to take a vacation together. That was special because Carl’s dad went to Heaven when he was in college, my dad went to Heaven 14 years ago, in the dream we both knew that, which is why it was so special. Father and son, and father and daughter, would all join for vacation together.

And then the last dream. I was in B & H back in New York City on the Lower East Side, on 2nd Avenue between 7th and 8th Streets right by St Marks Place. That is such a tiny hole-in-the-wall restaurant. And for some reason I walked behind the counter to get to the bathroom in the back. I opened the door and went in. But in my dream it had a bathtub in it, with spigot of cold water on one side, and spigot (I hoped) was hot water on the other side. And I filled it with water and I was washing something. And then I woke up to all this light and green paradise out my window.

It was such a change from being in that tiny bathroom in back of B & H, a room no bigger than a closet.

And from meeting the monsters in the deep subterranean realms of my mind.

But it’s still funny to wake up and know those were dreams I needed to have. I needed to have those experiences, that somehow I came out ahead from having them. That some kind of housecleaning on a deep level went on.

Altho I have no idea where I am now. The night before I had had all happy adventure dreams, and woke up happily washed ashore on beach by edge of sea, all was sweetness and light. This was the exact opposite. This is the deep awful monster underworld of my mind. All I feel from going thru it all is very cleansed somehow. Of course I would give anything to believe that after entering the fear mind so totally in my dream, coming face to face with it like that, that I could somehow be free from it. That is all anyone wants. That is what the Mass Awakening is, now exactly two years away. We simply rise up into a consciousness the fear mind can not rise up to. It is the end! Ganug! Good riddance! All over! Good bye to the fear mind!

And I tell you having met it face to face in my dreams last night, it is totally rotten. All it seeks to do is destroy me and my family. Me, my sweet husband, my two sweet dogs.

O well in two years it will be over for everyone. It is on its way out as we speak. We will all open our eyes to paradise together, and remain awake together.

But right at this minute I don’t know where I am in life. Except in this very instant. Watching the sparrow play with himself all thru my tree. Hopping from branch to branch, preening himself on each branch. Rocking back and forth and whistling and then moving on, hip hop to the ground. It is as if my dreams wiped all slates clean.

And all there is, is this garden out my window.

And the morning dove calling off in the distance.

“Happy Adventure Dreams”

2008-05-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

7:22 am, Saturday, May 31, 2008
“Happy Adventure Dreams”

(they say life is coming up for roses for all of us now, so is it starting now)

Well what a night of dreams I had! I never had so many and such vivid dreams. I feel as if I spent the night visiting another universe, or a distant shore, because I was in such another place. Even tho I only remember the first dream I had, before I turned off the light and went to sleep for real, my hunch is it set the tone for the rest of the dreams, which I do not remember. I mean it was all a kaleidoscope mix of all the elements which are in my life. Nothing not down to earth took place in it. At least in that first dream. It was the quality of the dream which was so different. And I am assuming the same kind of dreams went on all night. Because I feel like I have been gently dumped back home, after quite an excursion, quite a night, quite a life of dreams; I had a big night, a huge night. But I have a hunch, from the feeling I had when I woke up, that all the dreams were as satisfying as that first one. I woke up with peaceful feeling. I wasn’t in conflict with myself in that first dream, which made it so satisfying. I had my cake and ate it too, and then made the choice which I knew was the right choice. Hahaha I was realistic in my dream. But it was the right kind of realism. I didn’t feel like I was denying myself. I just thought “this is how it is.”

I don’t remember any of the dreams of the long night which followed, but my hunch is I must not have been in conflict with myself, no matter how dramatic and vivid they were, event filled, story filled. As hard as it is to imagine, I must have sailed thru all kinds of stories and dramas, and events, and remained in harmony with myself. It’s hard to believe because I am someone who can be in conflict with herself just from getting out of bed to fetch a glass of water.

If this is the new age, then this is great. I guess I had always pictured a conflict-free life, as one where nothing happens at all. It never occurred to me it could be the reverse. That there would be far bigger adventure, far bigger choices, more expanded events, much more life going on. But if I am not in conflict with myself, then all it is, is thrilling. It just means life without limiting myself. That’s really what happened in the first dream. I wanted what I wanted and I went for it. And I had it and I loved it. And then I made a realistic choice and changed my mind. And I was satisfied with my choice. That is what I mean by saying I had it all. I know what it is, it is a world without guilt. You just try out every experience you want, you have every experience you want. It is like a feast. It’s like having a huge appetite, and up for everything, and an incredible feast laid before you. Life as the buffet of all buffets. And you have whatever you want. And dance with whatever boy you want to. And all the boys are wonderful and there may be one you like a lot. But at the end you say “I’ll go home with this one, but thanks for the wonderful evening.”

And so after my night of dreams I am gently deposited on the shore, with waves gently lapping at my feet. I feel like Odysseus home from wondrous enchanted travels, opening my eyes to the sweet sunshine. Except I am opening them to sweet sunshine in sunlit Tucson backyard, a world of morning doves calling and sparrows flittering around. Nothing could be more peaceful than the scene out my yard. And how nice to open my eyes to it after a night of great dreams, instead of a night of nightmares. Of happy enchanted adventures.

And who knows, maybe this is a taste of how it will be for all of us before the Mass Awakening, two years down the line. Our life will be changed to happy enchanted adventures, instead of how it has been. Dare I hope I am (and all of us too) are all emerging from conflict with ourself, since that seems to be the ticket to all new happiness.

It just feels like a new morning to me....

"Sensing a new world"

2008-05-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

6:44 AM, Thursday, May 29, 2008,
"Sensing a new world"

Well the morning is very well advanced for someone used to waking up at first light. It is much brighter and much yellower out there, a much sunnier world. And you can tell from the birds’ activity it is mid-morning for them. It is like walking into a nursery school and the children are having their mid morning milk and cookies, it is mid morning in the bird world too. It is a few weeks before Goldi’s birthday and because she and I are born the same year, altho I was born 2 and a half months before her, I got email from her last week asking “so what is this year like?” meaning this new year in our ages.

But I don’t know anything about Goldi’s life now except for externals. She lives in Inwood, which is very high up in Manhattan. She walks her doggie each morning and evening in Inwood Park, which is a very nice big foresty park. She drives each morning to a county mental hospital upstate where she is a social worker. Her friends are all the people she works with, which is why she has mixed feelings about retiring in two years. She longs for freedom from work but will miss her close friendships, they are her closest friends now. When there is a big protest against the war on the weekend, she takes the subway to downtown and joins the protest, I guess she is still a leftist. She remains very close friends with the father of her daughter, and I would imagine her daughter is still the center of her life. But her daughter has her own life now and has already been married and divorced, even tho I don’t know if she has finished college. I don’t know what State her daughter lives in, possibly Florida, or if not Florida, California. I am sure she still comes home for Christmas. Goldi was single mom her whole daughter’s life. Goldi never married, I mean she did officially, but her daughter’s dad, who remains very close and very involved also with their daughter, was just a very close friend when they decided to have a baby together. And they have remained even closer friends because they are parents of their glorious daughter.

I can see how Goldi’s life has suited her so well. She did get the close intimacy of sharing home with her daughter till she went off to college, and she got to have beautiful relationship all those years. Her work as social worker in mental hospital was absorbing and interesting, and her close friends are all there now. And she is close to her daughter’s father and shares parenthood with him. A big change was Simone leaving home, and of course when Simone married, that came as a shock. Goldi wrote “she is no longer my girl now, she is Miguel’s girl.” Simone’s husband is from Brazil and Goldi went to Brazil for the wedding. But it’s hard for those early marriages when you are only 19 years old to last, and a year later it was over, Simone was in love with someone else. I really don’t know if Goldi felt she got back her girl now that Miguel had lost her. Her emails have no longer been filled with news of Simone. It does seem from her emails that her work is her whole life, seeing patients, being mad at administration for overwhelming her with paperwork. She had not mentioned her close friendships at work till last email when she said “I retire in 2 years, and they are my closest friends, what will I do?”

Of course according to my reckoning, two years from now, when Goldi retires, will be the Mass Awakening, so whole planet will be starting new life, and there won’t be any longer mental patients in mental hospitals, that era on planet will be over. So really all there is, is the present. There is just her life now, our life now, because the change which is coming in two years is too big to be conceived of.

But I am starting to get intimations of what it will be like. I do begin to see why it is described-- the fall in “garden of eden” was a fall from high consciousness to lower one, the whole planet fell, altho not all at once, it spread gradually thru-out the planet, and the Mass Awakening is the return to the higher consciousness we fell from way back in pre-history…

I am beginning to have intimations about what the new consciousness will be like, because I can feel the first subtle changes taking place in my own mind now. It is not that I have entered a new consciousness, I still see and experience the world the same as everyone else does, the old world, the fallen world; the old mind, the fallen mind. But I guess the past 20 years we have spent trying to raise our consciousness has paid off, because it is almost as if there is a garden gate now, and I can see the new consciousness off in yonder field.

We are approaching the threshold to it, where it can be discerned, vaguely in outline, off in the distance. It is starting to become real, that it is, and is there, and is not so far away. And some sense of what it is, is starting to dawn. I guess it is like a ship approaching land. Land ho! someone is calling out. And everyone is on deck eagerly awaiting first glimpse of new world. Two years away is close enough for shape and outline to take place. Yes it’s possible some are still napping on their hammock, while others are on deck straining their eyes for first glimpse. But willy-nilly, the whole ship is arriving and will be arriving very soon. And everyone will disembark to the new world.

And it may be I am one straining her eyes to see, while Goldi naps lightly in her hammock and dreams she will drive to mental hospital and have lunch with her wonderful friends when she no longer works there. In her nap dream mental hospital and mental patients and her friends all working there, goes on in perpetuity. She thinks the only change is Goldi will have retired and no longer be going to work. But there will be a lot more change than that. Yes Goldi will be free from work, but mental hospital activities will no longer exists. In a true sense the mental hospital will have retired not Goldi.

But it is interesting that Goldi sees her present life ending and new one starting two years from now, which is just about when it will happen for everyone. She is contemplating her new life now. Which shows how the rhythm of the world works for everyone. Each may have their reason for contemplating new life in two years. And I may be picturing it one way and Goldi another. But there you have two girls leading opposite lives on opposite sides of country, both lying awake at night thinking “absolutely new life, filled with unknowns, starts in two years.” And it may very well be that many many, for one reason or another, have in their mind “the advent of new life starts shortly, just a year or two or 3 down the line.”

I don’t picture change in physical circumstances, but I do picture having a different consciousness. Others like Goldi must just picture total change in circumstances and life, how they spend their days. Or there may be some picturing some of both, a move to new location in the countryside plus a move to new consciousness in their mind.

As for me, what is dawning now, is an understanding of what all these promises have been about-- promises made to New Agers who tune into all the New Age sites on the internet, or took all the New Age books out of library or bought them all in bookstores. It is as if a picture is being filled in, or it is starting to make sense to me now. I begin to see how it will happen in reality. All it is, is a new understanding. But what a huge thing a new understanding is! I say this as someone who is getting her first glimpse of the new understanding, just in outline and shape. I have not arrived at it yet. All that has happened is it is no longer pure abstraction. I can see how it can be real. In that sense two realms are coming closer together. One can see from one realm out to the other, and it is clear the other is destination. And that is as far as I have gotten.

In imagery, I guess you could say for me, a teeniest tiniest corner of the blindfold has been lifted. I can see there is light from that one teeny tiny corner. Or another way to say it, is the black black blindfold is not so black black anymore. I can make out a world out there. Even if I can’t see it, I can sense that it is there.

below is wedding pic of my dear friends Lynn and Dom back in Chicago many moons ago
you can see her loveliness sweetness and intelligence in it, and how interesting alive and intelligent he is

“diary of a revolutionary”

2008-05-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Golden Eagle Soaring
Sunday, May 25 2008, 5:41 AM

“diary of a revolutionary”

So much has happened. The lawyer who is suing me dismissed the case. Mazel tov! I am still involved in the huge process of trying to change my perception. Which still seems like an impossible thing to happen, I mean how does one ever succeed at this?! But at least I am trying and you don’t know what will happen when you try. To me it seems like trying to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. But hey! I have taken my first strokes, I am on my way, we'll see what happens. At least I have a big project I am working on, I am trying to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. But that is just an image. It means I can’t see the other side, and it appears like vast impossible distance between where I am and where I want to end up. In fact I know nothing about the ocean I am trying to swim across, all I know is I am doing it. LOL I guess my childhood dream of being Esther Williams swimming the Channel manifested after all. But not at all as I expected.

And on the political front I am now running for office, which is an astounding development for me, Naturally it does not compare to swimming across the Atlantic Ocean, which is where my whole inner life is now. But still, the last thing I ever expected to do was to run for office. And I guess it too is embarking on a new adventure. And at least it is something I can communicate to others about. I can’t really communicate to anyone about trying to change my perception, even tho it feels like the biggest thing I have ever tried to do. Because unless someone is engaged in it too, how will they understand what I am talking about? It would either frustrate them or bore them to read about it. I did write two stories about this experience and sent it off to Rick in New York, who loves my writing so much. And what I got back was an email “why don’t you write about your early days in women’s liberation, that is social history, everyone will want to read about that.” Which is a very polite way of saying “this bores me, but I’d love to hear about women’s liberation starting off.”

Yes women’s liberation starting off was very interesting. It too was a revolution in consciousness. But it would mean talking about something which happened back then. And the revolution in consciousness I am engaged in now is so much bigger. Plus it is what is happening now, it is how I spend my days now, I am in the midst of this now. I am actually actively trying to topple an old perception for myself, to allow the new one to show forth. It feels like climbing a mountain.

And as much as I love and adore Rick (he has been a great friend to me over the years) is he really interested in how women changed their consciousness back then, or is this all about sex and gossip. After all we were all wild hippy chicks back then. And yes we were sleeping around. We weren’t sleeping around for the sake of sleeping around, we were all looking for boyfriends. Rick is 20 years older than I am. Telling him about my experiences in women’s liberation back then, back then when I was one of those hippy chicks, in a group of hippy chicks, back in the late ‘60s, was his only entry into a world he knew nothing about. Vivian’s editor back then at the “Village Voice,” sent her to one of our meetings to find out “what these chicks are up to?” And for Rick, especially because the women’s liberation movement yielded so much results in the world he is in, academia, I mean it turned into something, those meeting back then -- the combination is kind of irresistible to him. He wants to know all about those hippy chicks back then who did this. What tantalizes him is knowing we were wild hippy chicks sleeping around, and did this thing. Because I was close to Rick during this time, he is one of the few who does know it. But even if I actually wrote about what it was all like back then, I don’t believe it interests Rick our transformation in consciousness back then, which yielded this movement. LOL he is a guy, he just wants to read about wild hippy chicks sleeping around while making a revolution.

As for the Ron Paul Revolution, the reason I am running for office, I really have no idea how to think about it? I am so used to having two sides of my life which never touch. On internet I am totally involved in the Ron Paul Revolution and when I watch political news on tv and it is something I do think about a lot. But I am so used to having 3 sides of my life which don’t really overlap very much. My internet life, which is all politics and centered in the Ron Paul Revolution, which I guess can best be described as going to meetings on the net, on a political news forum. Then my Tucson life, which is swimming and shopping, mostly grocery shopping. And then my inner life which is new age transformation. O and writing, I forgot about that. The thing about running for office is it is a nexus between my internet life and my Tucson life.

It means I have to get signatures on a petition and try to get them done right, and fill out an affidavit and have it notarized, and bring both down to Pima County Recorders Office, all the way downtown, and do this all before June 2nd, the deadline. And then I will be on the ballot for the Republican Party Primary on September 2nd, since the Ron Paul Revolution now seems to be about taking over the Republican Party in each of our States. I am willing to do all this. Altho I am not used to having a big out-in-the-world life in Tucson. Usually I go swimming, grocery shop, and come home and that is that. Everything else takes place in my house, in my mind. I engage with the world thru internet and email, or television.

I definitely do feel pushed out of my little nest, and I know it is just a start. I will have to show up at meetings with the other members of the Ron Paul meet-up group who are also running for office, to plan our strategy and activities. And what happens when I am elected! I will have to show up at stuff too. It just seems funny to me, that while at exactly the same time, I am going so much deeper into my own mind, to try to make this transformation, which seems so incredible to me, which still seems utterly impossible to me, but I want it above everything else in the world. At the exact same time, I, who have not been an activist since the early days of women’s liberation, am actually going to be a political activist again. Have a new life of political activity, trying to make a revolution here in Tucson and Arizona.

Willy-nilly I am doing it.

I can’t not do it.

I will be an office holder in the Republican Party, and who knows what that will mean. It sounds so VIP. Which is funny for me because my mind and heart have been so engaged in other things. I have been treating it as chores of daily living. “I have to write out check for my electric bill, call home insurance and have them look at cooler, why it is making that awful noise, take my affidavit to bank and list of signatures and have it notarized and take it downtown to Pima Recorders Office.” I have been treating it as something I have to do to get it off my mind, to have it taken care of. But it is a political revolution. And I will have a lot to contribute by being part of it. I may be inept at running for office, but I have thought about the Ron Paul Revolution almost 24/7 for solid year, and been on internet about it for good block of every day. I just never expected I would get up from internet and do something about it....

But I, who was in women’s liberation, should know better. I know there are meetings and there are actions. I haven’t joined any of the actions for Ron Paul before. But the call came to run for office in Republican Party, and I answered that call. So obviously this is part of my destiny right now too.... I am starting a new life, lol a life in politics....

“New Age Shop Talk”

2008-05-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

Thursday, May 22, 2008, 6:25 AM

“New Age Shop Talk”

For Jan, with love Annie

I am going thru changes. This is the first time I have actually felt it happen. It is like being pushed down a birth canal, or being relocated, or on a jet plane to somewhere. I mean I can feel the transportation happening. These haven’t been ordinary days. Each day has been one of movement, as if I am on a wagon train moving out west.

I do wake up in a different place each morning and know I spent the previous day traveling. A wagon train is a good metaphor, because when it is pictured in the movies, their whole house is really behind them in their covered wagon. They are arriving out West but taking their whole house with them. And so much daily living goes on, they are always preparing food, and having meals, or socializing around campfires, and taking care of pets and children. They’ve already forgotten their life in the settled city they came from, those stores, those neighbors, those schools for their kids, their church. And they don’t know where they will arrive at, they are setting out to unknown. Their whole life takes place on the road now, that is their community, that is where they live their daily life.

But there is no road, they are pioneers. They are making their way thru uncharted wilderness, to god knows where. They don’t know where they are, just that every day they travel. And they don’t know where they will wind up. And so there is big emphasis on ordinary daily life routines. The preparing of meals, the washing of clothes, the feeding of children, everything to keep up a semblance of normal life.

It’s funny I can understand their minds now. There are too many unknowns in it. You can see them all pretending life is normal, trying to have normal life. But a completely unknown future lies ahead, there is ever-growing distance from their past, the present is all they have. And the present is one of transportation.

It is odd that I am going thru this and so is everyone else in the world, whether they are aware of it or not. And I bet the conversation on the wagon train was not one bit about what they were going thru. I don’t see how they could, it is too inexpressible. Their conversation would have to be about ordinary life. What are you going to fix for dinner? Or the bedtime story they will read their children. Or tucking them in at night. And coffee in the morning. And washing dishes. Or about their clothes. These would be where their thoughts were. And they would all talk to each other as if they were each leading perfectly ordinary lives and this huge thing were not taking place. Husband and wife would not talk about it to each other. He would talk about what he fixed, and how he fixed it, and what he will fix tomorrow. Maybe very occasionally two women would have a very quiet conversation about their experience, what this experience is, but not often. In the evenings they would all entertain themselves with song or story.

But everyone would know this is a momentous trip.

That’s a little like what this experience is now. I know we are on the move. I know each day we are moving and I know each morning I wake up in different place. I know each day is transportation. And it’s not as if I can see destination off in the distance, but we must be getting close to it, or accelerating faster towards it. Because I am starting to get glimmerings of the process by which we will arrive there. In other words I know we are in the process, and I am having a glimmering of how this process will work, and how it will deliver us there.

It as if before, my ideas of destination, and my ideas of process of how we will arrive there, were romantic fairy tales. I can see why I didn’t believe them completely, as much as I wanted to believe them. I believed them the way you believe a fairy tale. But there was too much enchantment in them for them to be real for me. As if you would be whisked to this enchanted place and then find yourself in an enchanted place. There is nothing wrong with believing them and I believed them with all my heart. It was offered to me and who would turn it down! No one turns down paradise when it is offered them and are told it is within reach, just a little bit ahead on the road.

LOL how long have we been told, “it is just ahead.” To be a New Ager means each new year is filled with promises made to all of us. “This will be the year” we are told “that all of paradise is yours.” And so we dream of paradise and have stars in our eyes, and set off with joy for the new year. And a point did come, after many years of this, when everyone started to wonder “are these promises going to be delivered on?” But we had all reached the point of no return. You couldn’t not believe in the promises anymore, you had hitched your boat to those promises.

But it became a bit of “waiting for Godot.” On one hand we were so hungry for these promises, it was all we had. On the other hand, so many years had gone by and paradise had not happened. But I guess there was too much reality in spirituality, too much evidence spirituality was real, to even think about not being on this voyage. But I will tell you the truth. We were promised constantly “paradise is just ahead, it will arrive this year,” and the fact is paradise never arrived, and I don’t think anyone believed it ever would. Except for the famous date given in the Mayan Calendar. We could all believe in 2012, because the proof of the pudding of that, was always years away.

But I will say now, we are on our way. I can feel it. I can see it. I know it. Something really is happening. And now that we are undergoing it, I see it is not one bit like the fairy tale I imagined. I see how the destination is not a fairy tale, and the means by which we reach it is not a fairy tale. There is no enchantment involved. You are not whisked into anything. There is no whisking. It is all about changes in the mind, changes in perception. It is literally about having a new perception. And that is what is going on right now, we are all in the process of changing our perception. That is the whole story in a nutshell. We are actively changing our perception, and we are the active agent in it. Annie is not being whisked to paradise, but she is involved in changing her perception. Which turns out to be a very specific, very concrete, very real thing. No fairy tales! no enchantment! no whisks! No promises held out and then not delivered on.

Because we are the ones who are doing it. Hahaha it turned out it was all up to us, that we would do it. I have no idea where I am in the process. How could I? All I know is I am in the process. Which seems to mean for the first time I am aware there is an old perception and a new one. I know my old perception, I have had it my whole life. It’s just that for the first time I am aware that there is a way of perceiving differently, that I could see in a new way, that I could perceive in a different way. And I am aware that what I would see, would be different from what I see now.

When I was just in the world of old perception, which would be until two days ago, I didn’t think of it as “the world of my perception.” I just thought “this is the world, period!”
Yes I know I had read long texts proving to me this is not so, but those texts (I realize now) are just blueprints. If you want that house, you have to build it, the blueprints don’t give you the house. That was another part of my fairy tale thinking about this all. I studied the blueprints and thought “where is my house!” The title of the blueprints was “this is your new house.” And I actually believed, whisk! one day I would walk right into it and was frustrated it never arrived.

But a blueprint is like a map. I still can’t believe I pored over those maps and thought it was the real thing, mistook it for an actual landscape. Thought “Why is this not my landscape now! You promised if I studied these maps, this would be my landscape.”

I’m not so sure now if that is exactly the promise which is made, altho it is sure the promise I heard. All I know is yesterday and the day before, is I realized there are two perceptions, an old one and new one, and the two perceptions are opposite, or at least very very different. And paradise lies in having the new perception. Altho some of my fairy tale ideas of paradise aren’t there in quite the same way. I no longer have images what paradise will be like, or I mean what the new perception will bring. This is exactly as far as I’ve gotten. I know from the blueprints I studied at the start of all this, that the new perception will show a perfect world. But perfect may be a blueprint word. It may turn out to mean you see everything as fine, and it holds steady at that. It may just mean the world is fine.

I am still in a place of transportation. I am like those wagoneers, those pioneers, I am in transit. I know the world the old perception showed me. And really the biggest change I have made, is instead of calling it “I know what the world is like,” I do now call it “I know the world the old perception showed me.” That is the big change over the past two days, and that is a tangible idea for me. Plus I have some awareness now there is another perception, which would show me a different world, a world which is fine. Whatever fine means.

I still really have no idea what the new perception will show, but I do know I want the new perception. That is another big change, I want the new perception with all my heart, above everything else in the world. Because if it is possibly true, that you could see everything as fine all the time, your pets are always fine et cetera, why not go for it! How could I want anything else! What else could I possibly want than things be fine for me always. Maybe that is what perfection is.

It was nice having all these fairy tale dreams, but when push comes to shove all we want is life to be fine always, for us and for everyone and for everyone we know and all their animals, for every living being on the Planet.

"Harry's Birthday"

2008-05-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

Monday, May 19, 2008, 7:53 AM
“Harry’s Birthday”

Today is Harry’s birthday. I sent him card on email yesterday. I thought maybe it was yesterday. I didn’t know the exact date, I knew just about when, and he thanked me and said “it is tomorrow.” I was glad I was so close, also that I did it was day before rather than day after. Because this year I really paid a lot of attention to my birthday, it was a huge deal to me, and I noticed it builds and builds and builds, and seems to climax the day before. Then your birthday is, and it is. And then the next day it is over. Birthday consciousness does not last after your birthday, but it builds as you near your birthday.

This past birthday consciousness was so intense for me because a few years after we moved to this house, I found a channeled book, I don’t know where, my neighbor Kay lent it to me? or I got it out of library? It was by one of those names which were popular back in the early ‘90s but you never hear that name anymore, and I don’t even remember who it was. And I don’t even know who the being who channeled it to the woman claimed he was.

It’s funny now thinking back, when I first began devouring New Age literature, first discovered it, how I didn’t even bother to try to have an inkling of who the channeler was. I remember reading the Michael books and I have no idea who Michael said he was. I think this guy may have been Kyros, some name like that and I don’t know who Kyros said he was. He may have channeled to some woman named EZ Knight.

I guess I was just starved for the information. All I cared about was the information. I devoured every book I could get my hands on. Took everyone out from the public library, bought everyone I could find in Bookman’s, the used bookstore, and borrowed from my neighbor Kay her whole new age library. I read them all. It’s possible I may have just finished doing A Course In Miracles, so I wasn’t looking for help with my problems in these books, A Course In Miracles had given me that. I was reading all these books as gum drops. For me A Course In Miracles was the 3 course meal of the New Age, and all these others were the delectable assortment of desserts.

Altho I did find one which was very deep and had very deep impact on me, and gave me a lot of understanding.

But most were just gumdrops. They were fun, they were interesting to me, and usually I took away one morsel from each one.

The morsel I got from the Kyros book was he said “you don’t have to get older, aging goes two ways, you can get older or you can get younger, and if you don’t want to get year older then don’t celebrate your birthday.” I read it a week before my birthday and I decided to do it. I didn’t celebrate my birthday that year and to my amazement I stayed the same age for two years. My birthday happened and I didn’t get a year older, I was the same age. After that I really started to fool around with my birthdays. I decided if I celebrated them early, I would get younger. By celebrate I meant, since Kyros didn’t explain, just be conscious it was my birthday. So I celebrated them a day early, or few days early, even one year two months early. I told people it was my birthday when it wasn’t. And on the day of my birthday I didn’t tell anyone. And if someone asked me when my birthday was, I gave the wrong day. I kept it in April but always few days earlier.

Since I have been doing this for the past 14 years, ever since I read that passage in Kyros’ book right before the birthday that year, you can imagine how intense it was for me this year, to actually celebrate my birthday, to allow all my birthday consciousness to fully arise, instead of suppressing it. I hadn’t had a birthday in 14 years. It was huge having a birthday. It seemed so incredibly huge to me. It was far more intense than Christmas. It was big.

I realized everyone goes thru this on their birthday. For anyone else it is an ordinary day, but for the person it builds for two weeks and it is huge. And I wanted to make more of an effort to remember when my friends have their birthday, and to send them card on email before or on it. I wanted to be part of their huge birthday experience, to acknowledge it.

A lot of interesting things happened because I believed what Kyros said in that book, and either did not celebrate my birthday at all or began celebrating it much earlier. When I had stayed the same age for two years when I first tried it, I did celebrate it few days early after that, to get few years younger. I had decided I would go back to 33 and stay there. And the result is, I really had no idea how old I was. I had lost track somewhere along the line. I know that few years after I began to swim at Fort Lowell pool when Jill was supervisor there, she came up to me with her clipboard and paper on it, saying “Parks Dept is doing survey on how old the swimmers are, how old are you?” And I looked her straight in the face and said “33 years old.” And she looked back at me and clearly did not believe me. But I clearly reiterated it, “I am 33 years old” and she wrote it down. But I could tell she didn’t believe it, by which I thought “I must not look 33, I wonder if this thing is working?” But by that time I was totally locked into it, I didn’t want to get older and if this was the way, I would do it. Oddly enough 8 years after that I was playing in the water at Racquet Club with a little girl, we were swimming and playing, I guess it was in the evening. And she said “how old are you Annie?” and I chirruped out “30, I am 30 years old.” And she looked me straight in the face and said “you don’t look that old.” Which made me giggle under my breath for about 10 minutes. “I don’t?” I said. “No” she said, “you look much younger.” “Thanks” I said.

I don’t know why I decided to have my birthday this year on my birthday, to celebrate my birthday. I guess suddenly I just did not care about getting older or younger. Plus age had lost all reality for me. Once you have totally fooled around with how old you are for past 14 years, and really have no idea how old you are, nothing is locked in concrete anymore, nothing is in cement. It is all immensely fluid in your mind.

Every year I would get birthday phone call from my kid brother on my birthday, and altho until this year, it was not the day I celebrated it on. And he would also have a comment on my age. To him it was completely real, whatever age I would be according to the arithmetic. In his phone message he would always empathize with whatever emotions he thought I was having about my birthday. Either he would say “it’s not a big one so you must be fine with it,” or, “wow this is a big one, I hope you are ok about it.” But since I hadn’t had any birthday, other than buying myself 5 presents at the mall the month before, I had no emotions about it. LOL my brother had all my emotions for me.

It is something I will have to talk about sometime, what the experience is like when we live in a totally different reality from our mom and our brother. There’s something very muffled about it, as if you are at the bottom of a deep well, and they are way up somewhere else, calling to you with the old reality. And you very faintly hear their murmurings, and know what they are referring to, but it is just not where you are at anymore. It doesn’t penetrate, as if they are talking to themselves. They are talking to you but it doesn’t reach you, so it is like a conversation between themselves. Altho strictly speaking the new reality is at a much higher vibration. So their words may be muffled to your ears, as if you are in a deep well. But probably we are all very high up in a tree when they call to us from the ground with the old reality...

"Healing"

2008-05-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

"Everything is coming up roses"

I wrote this story yesterday morning, about the afternoon the day before
About me and Ellen at swim pool
Good news, my Lulu is fine

Saturday morning 8:30 am 5/17/08
“Healing”

Well it hasn’t been the easiest of past few weeks, but yesterday my happiness bubbled up again. Gosh it felt so good to be happy again, I had forgotten. It just felt so good. I was so happy to be happy again.

And I guess I owe it all to Ellen. I had just finished my swim, and was near the ladder to get out, and looking around for Bill to let him know. When a woman who was swimming under water emerged right next to me, I realized she had swum under the ropes from the next lane to get to where I was, because I was right by the ladder to get out of pool, she wanted to climb out of pool. But when she emerged, she had Ellen's face. And I hadn’t seen Ellen in a very long time, maybe before the winter even started, back in the autumn.

I met her when I belonged to the Racquet Club, we became friends there, and saw each other regularly. We both joined the public pools at same time, few years ago, when they lowered their prices drastically and became so affordable again. But we don’t always swim at the same public pool. Plus obviously we have different hours. Maybe Ellen swims after work in the evening, or arrives at Billie's pool at 11:30 and leaves by 12:30, and we don’t show up till 1:30. Whatever it is, we hadn’t seen each other in long time and hadn’t expected to see each other, were very surprised to see each other, and happy about it.
And practically the first thing Ellen said to me was, “the last time we saw each other Annie, I had that back pain, and you did something to take it away, and I never had it again for 6 months, and it just came back, can you do something again.”
It was the perfect thing to ask me at the perfect time. I had finished my swim 15 minutes early, and didn’t really know what to do for those extra fifteen minutes. Plus it is something I love to do, take away someone’s booboos. I love the process of it, the doing of it. Plus I was totally caught up in healing Lulu and doing a miracle for Lulu. I was into healing, it was my whole life. For someone to ask me to do a healing is just what I wanted to be asked.
I asked Ellen if she wanted in the water or out in the sunshine, and she said “whatever you did last time.” And I remembered we had done it in the lane together, in the water, because I kept giggling the whole time “someone will think we are lesbians,” and Ellen would giggle back “fine with me.” Ellen is a lesbian and lives with Andrea. And Billie is nice enough to give them a family membership too, to treat them as married couple and get the family membership.
I really didn’t remember how I had done it last time. At first I thought Ellen should float, and then I would run my fingers on her back. But when we first tried that I realized that is impossible because of course Ellen has to breathe, breathing is a big part of it. I had her take off her bathing cap, it seems like the air would have to run thru her hair. Ellen said “can we talk?” I said “you can talk, but I can’t.” Because of course my healing is all about connecting minds with Ellen. What I do specifically is let her love me in my mind, let Ellen say “I love you” to me in my mind. That’s basically the whole thing. But I have to hear Ellen saying “I love you” in my mind the whole time, I have to hear Ellen in my mind.
I’m not exactly sure what Ellen did. I don’t think she walked across the pool, because it seems we floated together, but her head and shoulders were out of water. Maybe we swam together, in some kind of fashion. All I know is I put my body right behind her, as if I were hugging her from behind. That’s why I thought the lifeguards would think we were lesbians, but I didn’t care, and I knew Ellen didn’t care. And then what I do is put my hands and fingers all over her back, as she is saying “I love you” in my mind.
But what I did differently with Ellen yesterday, what I had never done before with anyone, and I guess I have done this 7 times before, with various people. Is I used my head too. I can’t believe I did that. It is such an inspired thing to do. It all must be because of trying to heal Lulu. There was so much healing energy in my head, from all my prayers for healing for Lulu, plus everything I had done to work miracle for Lulu. So I think I kind of locked my head against Ellen’s back, as if I were butting her, kept it in place there more or less, as we floated down lane together. Plus used my hands and arms to run them all over her back and shoulders. I had my eyes closed of course. And also what I did differently this time, is I didn’t stop at her back, shoulders, and arms. I put my hands all over her head, all over her face (I just reached around her neck), her shoulders, even down to her legs occasionally, and the sides of her fat behind. But mainly her arms, back, shoulders, and reaching around to her face, and top of her head. I was very relaxed and secure, assured. Again because of all the healing energy for Lulu, because I had spent the past two weeks working on helping Lulu in my mind, and even with pets on her back too.
I don’t know how I knew it, but I knew I was furnace of healing, and I could just relax and spontaneously do whatever I wanted and it would all work, I knew it would work like a charm. As I said to Ellen before we began, “O good, I am even better at it now than I was then.” And I told her before we began and when we finished, “not only will this take it away now, but it will never come back.” Can you imagine I said that. Where did I get that idea, that confidence. And yet I knew it. And so we did that all the way down the lane. And when I finally stopped, I knew it was enough, and opened my eyes, it seemed we were beached against the rope to the other lane, that is where we wound up. And Ellen just swooned. She opened her arms wide, and either threw her head back or forward, I don’t remember, and swooned, and said “I am so relaxed.” She swooned into the water 3 times in her relaxed bliss.
It was nice for me I was happy. Ellen said she couldn’t even finish her swim because the pain in her back was so bad and now it is all gone. She was so happy and so was I. I said “this is favor to me too Ellen, because I want to heal my puppy dog, and it gives me confidence I can do it.” And she said I am a cosmic person, and an amazing healer. Can you believe someone said such nice words to me, I was tickled pink.
And then we giggled together at the end of the pool. I said “you are a cosmic person too Ellen, look at the cosmic dream you had.” I had posted it on the internet. When I had seen Ellen last in the pool, I had said something like “today begins a new step, a big step, towards the mass awakening on our planet, it all begins today.” And she said “I just remembered the dream I had last night” and she told it to me. And I knew it was prophetic. At that time I wasn’t writing, it must have been during the winter or something. I was just taking down communication from my Higher Self on my New Age blog. So of course I wrote down Ellen’s dream the next morning and had my Higher Self interpret it.
Of course Ellen had forgotten all about her dream, she had no idea what I was talking about, but she did not want to admit it. I giggled and said “I posted your dream on the internet, on my new age blog, if you want to know what you dreamt, I can give you the link, are you on email?” “Yes” she said “I am.” “OK give me your email address and I will send you the link to your dream on internet.” I don’t know why it amused me so much that Ellen would have to press a link on internet to find out what she dreamt.
But whatever I had done in my healing of Ellen sure had a healing effect on me. It simply removed all the dark clouds in my mind. It was exactly as if the Sun came back in my mind, all the joy and happiness flooded back in.
I said to Ellen “I call my New Age blog ‘In and Out of this World,’ isn’t that a perfect name, because it includes everything in the world and everything out of it.” I don’t know why, it suddenly seemed like such a good name, in the pool giggling with Ellen after the healing. I have never once in my whole life before, complimented myself on anything. I have never even once noticed anything that way. It was as if before I was always too up close and personal and in my face, to ever notice anything about me. LOL it’s as if I was a big fly, always flying into my own face, and bugging me, and pestering me. I don’t like saying this, but I think it may be the truth. I think I have always been a huge pest to myself. But suddenly standing at end of lane with Ellen, both of us so happy from our healing, for that one instant (who knows how long it will last) I just was not a pest to myself. I actually saw the name of my New Age blog with appreciation. I thought it was a good name. “Isn’t it a good name!” I said and giggled and giggled. “Yes!” she said, and giggled and giggled.
So then we went into the shower room together and Sherry was there, just starting to take her shower and wash her hair. And starting to tell me the newest episode in trying to get new car tire for her VW car. I said to Ellen “you can share my shower,” and she said “I want to go into Billie to get paper and pencil to write down my email address.” I guess she is curious to read her dream on the internet. And it was the perfect switch to make, to hear Sherry go into details about the odyssey of getting new car tires.

It was very pleasant and amplifying to wash my hair and hear Sherry so excited about locating the new car tires for her car and learning how to read the date stamp on the tire. It’s really why you need an assortment of friends, each one completes you in another way.

WATER OF LIFE
by Layla (Flora Edwards)
post script, of course the person heals themself, I just join minds with them in doing it

"Miracles"

2008-05-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

Dove and Hawk by Layla (Flora Edwards)

Saturday, May 10, 2008 6 AM
“Miracles”

Lulu is picking up. Dr Kaufman didn’t find anything wrong with her when he examined her last week. But we had taken Lulu to him because she had been really out of it for past two weeks. And she continued to be out of it this past week. Bill and I both got scared and of course I was praying for her nearly non-stop. But when there didn’t seem to be any improvement I decided to try to perform a miracle.

This is quite a big deal for me. When I first moved to Tucson 16 years ago, I found a book in the New Age section of the public library called “A Course In Miracles.” The month before I had read a book there, called What is the New Age. I had never heard of the New Age back in New York City. And I guess that book was about all the major channelers at the time. I did not know what a channeler was. It was about the books channeled by these major channelers, what the books said. Maybe it had a chapter on each one. There were not many major channelers when that book was written in the 1980s, the book was short, and the chapters were short. And I imagine they gave some quotes from each book which was channeled. I don’t remember anything in the book, but one quote from one book had a huge effect on me. It was only 3 sentences, 3 short sentences. But instant I read it, my heart which had been filled with stress and fear, peace flooded in. It had total effect on me. That peace was so delicious, so heaven sent, such an answer to a prayer, so wonderful to experience, that of course I memorized the name of that book and looked for it in the library. It turned out to be “A Course In Miracles,” and those 3 sentences turned out to be the Prologue to it. And it said this is a book to take away fear and replace it with peace. I wanted it.

I had zero interest in doing miracles of course. It never crossed my mind to want to do a miracle, I didn’t even know what a miracle was, all I wanted was peace. My years before I left NYC had been filled with trauma and the trauma had followed me to Tucson. And even when I was not going thru an ordeal, I did not know when the next one would come. I desperately wanted peace, I wanted peace more than anything else in the world. It seemed like it was written for me, this huge 660 page text, on how to have peace instead of fear.

The book was a lot more than I bargained for in every possible way. I renewed it 3 times and then went to the bookstore and bought it. First of all it promised all kinds of things. Every dream come true you could possibly imagine, was promised. Things you didn’t even dare dream of were promised. ‘What the world offers you is so awful, and what you can have is so great, why not go for it’ the book said.

So many things in the book were offered at once. I went into a tizzy of bliss at knowing all the possible wonderful things I could have, unimaginably wonderful. As Irene said when she started to read it, “it all sounds too good to be true.” And at the same time, every single sentence I read was evaporating fear and allowing peace to replace it.

The book was having a huge effect on me, and I loved it beyond measure. It was very important to me that it was written in logic. Every statement he made, as out of the world as it sounded, he proved with logic. There was nothing he said, he did not prove. And I knew I was reading the clearest most brilliant mind I had ever read. Plus your heart recognizes truth too when it is spoken, it resonates. You will believe truth when it is spoken, I discovered, because of the resonance in your heart, but you don’t wholly believe it, until your logical mind lines up behind it too. And this book did both.

At same time, the book did another thing, and I guess for me it was the most profound experience of all. It told me all about me. The book claimed I don’t know myself at all and know nothing about myself. And then it went and told me all my deepest darkest secrets, things I had never, and would never, admit to myself. And of course I knew that is true, we all know our deepest darkest secrets which we will never admit to ourselves. And then it explained to me why none of this is true. It told me all the horrible ideas I had about myself, and where they came from and why I believed them, and proved that none of them were true, not one single horrible idea about myself was true. You’ve had these horrible ideas about yourself your whole life, your whole life has been covering them up and trying to pretend they are not so, you think your real self is rotten to the core. This is where the book really hit me where I lived. Not one deep dark secret was hidden from this author. He brought every single one, even the deepest and the darkest, into the light. And plainly showed me why it was not true. I had never experienced so much love in my whole life. I had never been loved that way. I had never been understood before. And understood with such love, such high appreciation of who I was. He loved me far far far more than I loved myself and he understood me totally.

As psychotherapy it was totally effective. Once every single deep dark secret is brought into the light, and it is proved to me it is not true, it is a total cleansing. I changed my beliefs about myself on the spot. I now believed I was good and lovable instead of rotten as evil and unlovable. And once those secrets are brought to light and the means by which they got in there are brought to light, they can’t get back in. I was washed clean and could not be fouled again. You could say I was saved, saved from myself.

There was a lot more in the book than that but of course that was the most emotional part for me. Mainly the book seemed to be claiming what you think is reality, is not reality. And in fact reality is perfect. And if you want perfection, all you have to do is move from unreality to reality, and it is all there for you.

Which is a tall order to prove. But of course he did. By the time I finished the whole text I believed him. And then I did the Workbook, a lesson a day for a year, and read the Manual for Teachers, which was only 30 pages. And then I was done.

And then I knew I had to make a decision. Either everything he says is insane, or everything I learned about the world is insane. I couldn’t believe both at the same time, because everything is the opposite. I had to make a choice for myself who to believe. It was a scary choice, because according to everything I had believed my whole life, what he was teaching was insane. I was scared I would be insane if I decided to believe it. But the book had had a huge effect on me. It was as if my mind had been filthy dirty muddy streaked windows, before I began reading it, you could barely see out and all was distorted and ugly. And as I read the book it was like washing the windows of my mind clean. I began to see so much clearer. I actually experienced my mind clearing up. Clearer and clearer and clearer as I read the book. And by the time I finished, the windows of my mind were perfectly clear, perfectly clean, absolutely beautiful and the light streamed in. I used to wash my windows back in New York and there is nothing as beautiful as freshly washed windows. Nothing. All beauty can arrive to you, everything is clear and beautiful and filled with light. All that light rushes right in.

So I spent a whole minute trying to decide whether or not to believe it, when it was all over. And I was scared to decide to believe it. But I decided to. It was like crossing a river to another side. And once I crossed over, I never looked back. It felt completely natural and right. I was happy with my decision. I had made the right one for me.

And then I spent the next 16 years trying to practice everything I learned in the book. Trying to put it into practice, trying to live that other reality, to the best of my ability.

None of the huge promises he had made of the magnificent gifts I would get if I simply put this into practice, decided to choose it and believe it, ever seemed to arrive. Altho I became steadily happier and more peaceful. And yes traumatic ordeals still did enter my life. One gift I got which was very nice, is it totally changed how I see the future. When you are a child, and for a long time after that, I don’t know how long, maybe close to 30, you see the future as this wonderful paradise right ahead of you. As a kid you can’t wait to grow up and have it all. Your eyes, your mind, are always fixed on that glorious future, when your life will be perfect paradise. And one thing the book did give, is it restored that to my mind. It was one thing I did believe whole-heartedly, that radiant, joyous beyond belief, happy beyond belief, all dreams come true future awaits all of us. I wasn’t able to undo the past as he wanted me to, altho I tried. But I certainly did believe completely in our glorious future. I still do. It is a given for me. Which has a seltzer-like bubbling effect on my mind. I am always in a constant state of anticipation, I can’t wait. It is exhilarating, it exhilarated my mind.

The single thing I did not pay attention to in the entire “Course Of Miracles,” the 660 page Textbook, the 365 lessons in Workbook, one for each day of the year, the 30 page Manual, was anything having to do with miracles. I took a whole course in miracles and ignored everything having to do with miracles. Miracles never entered my mind. Other than the proof for them and the explanation of them. I mean I had zero interest in miracles. I was interested in everything else, it just never crossed my mind to want to do a miracle.

Until yesterday. I wanted to do a miracle and heal my dog, from whatever it was which was making her act so weird. I wanted my dog to be fine. And the only way I could see to do that was to do a miracle, heal her with a miracle. Dr Kaufman was unable to help Lulu, he didn’t find anything wrong and didn’t know how to help her.

I said to myself, “I took a course in miracles, I tried to practice the course for 16 years, I should be able to do a miracle now, and I want to do a miracle.” But I didn’t know how to do a miracle, and I didn’t know what a miracle was. I had some idea I would say something in my mind, and then I would turn over and see Lulu as glowing and perfect again, instead of looking so out of it. But in any case I snuggled in with God and chit-chatted with God. And God said “yes let’s do a miracle together, we will heal Lulu, that will be our miracle, it is not hard Annie, you can do it, let’s do a miracle together.”

And what finally inspired me, tipped me over the edge, made me want to do the miracle and believe I could, is when God said “look how much people suffer when they lose their pets, you can save everyone from this suffering, don’t you realize when you do a miracle, you do it for all, the whole world, you will be saving everyone’s pets.” And of course I want with all my heart for no one to go thru that suffering, it is the worst suffering of all. I discovered the way for me to ask for a miracle was to include others in it, so the miracle I asked for is that Lulu and Beanie (my dogs) and Zack and Sarah (Jan and Harry’s cats) are perfect always and live forever.

Now I understand why he said in the Course, “you can’t ask for a miracle for yourself, only for others.” Once I included Jan and Harry’s pets in my miracle, I was able to ask for it. And God said, thereby it goes out to the whole world. Good!

And then I just lied there snuggled in God’s arms (in my mind) and thought about miracles. Everything I had read in my book about it, or what I had seen in Hollywood movies about Jesus performing miracles, or even what I had read in books about Jesus, where a small part was about his performing miracles. I had to have some idea of what a miracle was, and some example of someone who had performed them. I was trying to concretize ideas in my mind, make it real for me.

And while I was thinking about miracles lying in God’s arms, God said “why stop at this one, why not have lots of miracles, we can have lots and lots of miracles.” And then when my mind had drifted off to thinking about something totally different, I distinctly heard God say, out of nowhere, “you can even have a miracle about money.” Money is something which has been worrying me a lot lately. Because I haven’t figured out how, after I pay this next credit card bill, how I will have any money left in my bank account at all. And the money I get each month does not even pay for that month’s expenses.

And I actually perked up and lent an ear, it was said so clearly, crisply, and decisively “you can even have a miracle about money.”

All of this took place yesterday afternoon, so you can see why.. when I was at the computer in the evening and the phone rang and the girl said “this is Amanda from product research.” And I instantly said “please take my name off your list.” I had been getting 20 calls a day trying to sell me something, and now I automatically say “please take my name off your list,” and they say “OK” and hang up. But Amanda didn’t say OK and hang up. I said 3 different ways “please take my name off your list.” And she said “you did a survey for us several months ago.” And I said “O I remember, I was nice enough to do that survey, but that doesn’t mean I want you to call me and sell me something, please take my name off your list.” But to Amanda’s credit, she didn’t give up on me. Instead she said, “well after you did the survey, your name and phone number were put into a raffle and we did the drawing and you won, you will get a $500 gift certificate to department store in Tucson.”

Well you can imagine how embarrassed I was. Amanda had called me up to tell me I won a $500 gift certificate to department store in Tucson, and all I had said to her was please get off the phone and don’t call me again. I was afraid she would take it away from me. But instead she was wonderful to me. I apologized every which way from Sunday for how rude I had been to her. But she kept saying “it is nothing, you should hear the phone calls I get, I’ve been talked to much worse than that.” She was completely sympathetic and understanding, kind and forgiving, she was wonderful. Of course I didn’t tell Amanda I had just spent the whole afternoon trying to do a miracle for my dog, and thinking about miracles, and even being told I would get a miracle about money, and I was doing my best to believe in miracles, that I can do them, that I can succeed in healing my dog, that I can work a miracle and heal her. But I did tell Amanda all this very elliptically. I said “Amanda, you are the answer to a prayer. I spent $167 at Lane Bryant two weeks ago and was so upset I had done that, when I have car repair bills and property taxes to pay, that I said ‘I will never go shopping again for as long as I live!’ It is so sweet of you to give me $500 gift certificate to department store. And maybe my husband will even be willing to buy something, he is never willing to buy anything. But the real reason you are an answer to a prayer, is because there are things I want to help others (I didn’t want to tell Amanda about my dog, I didn’t want to confide to anyone that Lulu was having problems, the idea of saying it aloud scared me, that it would make the problems more real, and I wanted to evaporate them). So I just told Amanda, “I have been praying for a miracle to help others, and you calling me up to say I won $500 gift certificate, means to me I will get my miracles. And I want them so much. You are an angel, Amanda. An angel is a messenger from Heaven, and that is what you are.”

I really believed all this. I believed my phone call from Amanda saying “you won the raffle,” meant I would get my miracle for Lulu, and I would get miracles, that I would get everything God promised as I lay with my head on my pillow. But of course what I want above everything else in the world is for Lulu to be perfect again.
And I did believe it because of Amanda’s phone call, I believed in miracles.

Then Amanda said “Jared will come to your house to give you the gift certificate and he will do a demonstration of the Blue Air Filter at the same time.” And I thought ‘O no, there is a catch in all this.’ I said “Amanda, I agreed to take Crystal’s survey on the phone when she asked me to, because she promised it would only take one minute and she was true to her word, it only did take one minute. Tell me honestly, how long is Jared’s demonstration going to take place? Is it 15 minutes?” And she said “yes, it is 15 minutes, no longer!” I said “I can do that.” She said “he will do the demonstration and because he works for our research company you will answer questions about what you think about it.” I said “OK, I will have my husband answer the questions, he has good opinions, he is a technician and scientist, and he believes in health, he will have good opinions.” She said “Jared is a great guy, he is really nice, you will like having him.” She said “your choice is 8 PM this evening or 8 PM tomorrow evening.” I said “tomorrow evening is better and 8 PM is the perfect time for us,” she apologized because it was so late.

And we got off the phone and I told Bill about the phone call altho I am sure he heard a lot of my end, because I was exclaiming. I hadn’t told Bill anything about A Course In Miracles, about miracles, about God, about doing a miracle to heal Lulu. My husband is just not New Age. Each time I try to tell him anything, he said “I don’t want to hear it, tell your friend Jan, she is into all this stuff.” But he was very excited about the $500 gift certificate because he said “It means your luck is changing Annie, once your luck changes all kinds of good things come your way. I saw it with my dad. If you were a gambler in Las Vegas and you received this phone call you would know your luck changed and go right out and gamble.” And he said “I definitely think you should play the lottery tomorrow, we may start to have money again, and if we do, I will go to art school at the U of A, I will be able to afford painting classes, I would get a Bachelor of Fine Arts there, I would be able to paint from the figure again, and be around other artists, this would be very good for me. Your luck is changing and I will be able to afford that. Absolutely play the lottery tomorrow.”

“Do you want anything from the department store? a baseball cap or a Wildcats tee shirt? or new pair of Levis? or pair of shorts?” “No, I don’t want anything” he said. And then he said “we need a new vacuum cleaner, none of our vacuum cleaners work, if they have one on sale for $89 let’s buy it.” I said “it’s a $500 gift certificate and I don’t need anything, we don’t have to buy the cheapest vacuum cleaner, we can get a good one, let’s see which department store it is for.”

And then he went back to happily planning all the new wonderful things which will come into our life now that our luck changed, all the new opportunities it opens for us. It was great to see my husband so happy and upbeat and enthusiastic. He was in the middle of mopping all the floors, it was such hard work, such unpleasant drudgery. And it sure brightened him up, thinking how much he wanted those art classes at U of A. He even said “I will get my Bachelors in Fine Art, I will have to buy a computer, because I will have to write papers on art history and professors want the papers sent to them on email, that is how they do things these days..”

And I will admit Lulu seems to be on the mend. My idea of a miracle was like the fairy godmother in the Disney movie “Cinderella.” Where she waved her wand, said abracadabra, and instantly the wagon with 4 mules, turned into fancy gleaming coach with 4 beautiful black plumed steeds pulling it. And Cinderella’s dress turned from rags into a beautiful gown with stars on it.

But I remembered just before I fell asleep, in a book I had read about Jesus back in New York City, when he first began to do miracles a father had said to him “my son is dying, will you heal him.” And Jesus said “yes.” And the report was brought back that the son was on the mend. And Jesus asked “at what hour at what minute, did he start to begin to feel better?” And it was at the minute and the hour that Jesus did the miracle.

And so I realized a miracle is not abracadabra, total transformation in an instant, but begin to mend. And I was actually able to see signs that Lulu had begun to mend.

And I remembered what he had said in A Course In Miracles. “The reason I want you to do miracles and why you must do miracles, is not that miracles are important in and of themselves, but it is by doing miracles you will have evidence that everything I tell you in this course is true, miracles witness to the reality of what I tell you, they are your evidence.”
“And that is why you must do them, you need that evidence to believe it.”

It never occurred to me I needed evidence, I had reached the point when I did believe it. But what rang in my ears last night as I remembered that, is that miracles are evidence. Evidence I can see. And so if my miracle for Lulu works, I will see the evidence for it, I will see with my own two eyes Lulu is fine.

And I will admit, winning a $500 gift certificate to a department store, when I have never won anything in my life, is evidence of something....

post script, I wrote this when I first woke up, now it is 9:30 at night. Lulu has been acting normal all day. Mazel tov! My miracle may have worked, thank God.
Love and kisses, Annie

Adventure

2008-05-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

This is not from my Higher Self, I wrote this this morning to help me understand my own experience.

Sunday, May 4, 2008 7:29 AM
“Adventure” (with my dog Lulu)

Well the last few days have been interesting because there have been emotions. I am in the midst of an emotional drama. It’s impossible for me to know what is real in it. Because feelings about my pets are always all powerful. One of my dogs can have the slightest booboo but my emotional reaction will always be total. When I am in the world of pure emotion, any sense of reality at all seems to jump out the window.

What makes this emotional drama interesting is that I do have some sense that it is just booboos, so I am willing to control my emotions. On the other hand emotions are so unpleasant to experience, that I am constantly motivated to undertake spiritual work. And the particular spiritual work I am engaged in now, to deal with these emotions in this drama, is to realize nothing is out there, and it all takes place in my mind.

Of course I am highly motivated to do that now, because if I could believe that and experience that, there lies unshakeable peace. And unshakeable peace is what I want right now.

All my past emotional dramas have motivated me to do spiritual work because the stress was unbearable. I wanted peace more than anything in the world.

And so I always came out ahead when it was over. But I never secretly felt it was worth it. I was always glad to get something priceless from the hell I had been thru, but secretly I hated going thru hell and did not think anything was worth it. It was just that I had had no choice as I saw it.

All the same ingredients are in this one, but the amounts are all different. Which has let me have more awareness, and even a sense of choosing it. Yes, there is stress but it is not unendurable. It is low level stress, it is manageable stress. Enough to motivate me to work for peace, but not enough to destroy my life. The result is I do have some awareness of what is going on inside my mind, what this experience may mean and what it is designed to bring me. And altho I would not say I have zest for it, I do have a different attitude. There is a real part of me which is saying, “OK let’s go for it.” In other words, I see the value of what it could bring me. And some part of me is saying “it is worth it, to have this stress which is not unbearable to bring in this tremendous value.” It is the first time the emotional drama plus the awareness of the great value it could bring me, are in the same place in my mind, or are held in awareness together.

Of course I am not fully confident I will accomplish the liberation the spiritual work could bring. I don’t even know what life would be like if I had it. It really is all vague and fuzzy to me, the end goal. So in a sense it is an adventure, an exploration. Like packing up the canoe and setting off to uncharted waters. I don’t know what I will be passing along the way, I don’t know what the destination is. Even if there is a destination? If there is such a thing as arrival? I just know I am going on a trip and I do know I am going along willingly. It is not like all the other times, pulled by my hair, kicking and screaming.

I didn’t choose it, it chose me. But having chose me, there is some real part of me which is choosing it. Which maybe makes all the difference in the world. I don’t feel victimized. And I am not sure I would not choose to have this experience, altho naturally no one chooses discomfort or stress.

Altho sometimes they do. There is an expression “suffer for beauty.” And I have now watched both reality shows, “Housewives of Orange County” and “Housewives of New York City,” about a coterie of rich women in both places. And the cameras have followed them into doctors’ offices where they had botox treatments, which takes away wrinkles on skin of face. And you can tell how painful it is, but the women are willing to spend a fortune and undergo it, because they want to be beautiful.

For them it is an easier clear decision. They know how long the treatments last, they can say “I will undergo this discomfort for one hour.” And they know exactly what they will get in return, their face will be restored to its young beauty. None of this interests me in the slightest. The most I was willing to do was to get a facial from Maria. But I do seem to be willing to undergo this "thing" I am undergoing now.

Even tho I have no idea how long it will take, what I will endure, and what I will get at the end. It is just somehow I know it is the right thing for me to be doing now, and I will get something fine from undergoing it, that I will come out ahead from it, that I will be free-er.

It must have something to do with manipulating my own perception. I don’t know how much progress I have made, I have been involved in it for 3 days now, today is the 3rd day. And what it has brought me to so far, seems to be a loosening. By which I mean I am no longer sure of what I know at all. In fact I am starting to realize I don’t know at all. For instance if I look at Lulu and there appears to be a booboo or two, on one hand I don’t know if I am interpreting my perception correctly. I mean I don’t even know what it means what I am seeing. I don’t know if I am perceiving correctly, or how to perceive correctly. On the other hand, if it is true that there is nothing out there, and it all takes place in my mind, then anything I see at all is a projection of images from my own mind.

And even I can realize, that images in my own mind have no substantial reality, have no permanence. And who knows, maybe I don’t have to live in the world of images at all? Because there are things taking place in my mind, I mean there is another world inside my mind, which seems to be the exact opposite of the world of images I see out there. There is a whole other Lulu in my mind, who I communicate with, who is a great glowing goddess and extension of God. A dog goddess but with God’s mind, like every other being in my mind, they are all an extension of God’s mind, God’s consciousness.

And it is this Lulu, the one in my mind, who seems to be my coach in this experience. “We're a team, we will do this together, we will ace it, we can do it, I will help you, follow my lead, I will guide you, this is a good experience, we can do it, trust me, I will help you.”

So I am having two very different experiences of Lulu now. The one in my mind, and the one perception shows me. And it’s possible some of the stress of this experience has to do with that. LOL it isn’t easy to live in two realities at the same time. And I’m not sure if one can. I mean we do, as soon as we start becoming spiritual, and there doesn’t seem to be a problem. But who knows, maybe it is coming to a head for me. That they can’t keep co-existing the way they have, that it is time for a breakthru.

What the breakthru will mean I don’t know, I have no idea. Maybe I will learn how to consciously manipulate my own perception. Or at the least, there will be some evidence in the world of perception, of what I experience in my mind. That this real world I experience in my mind, will find a way to bleed into the world of images in my mind.

I guess that is the important thing for me to remember, that both worlds are taking place in my mind. The world of perception may show me what is taking place in my mind, but where it is happening is inside my mind. And if reality is also taking place in my mind, then two worlds are going on in my mind. And what I want is for the world of reality to control the world of images. I want the world of images to conform to the world of reality. And yes perception is a mirror. I can see in that mirror (what I see, when I look out) what is taking place in the world of images in my mind.

But my hunch is, the more energy and reality and belief I can give to the part of my mind where true reality is happening, that that is what I want to pay attention to. And just let the images take care of themselves. I think that is the way I will go for right now. Try to keep my focus on the reality part of my mind, and remove as much focus as I can from the world of perception out there. And just see what happens.... because I just don’t know anything, this is wholly new terrain for me. I am girl in the dark with a flashlight, and little Lulu is my companion on this adventure leading the way.

I love you
Annie

Post script, And even if it turns out that all this experience does is strengthen me, and it is the huge emotional dramas which yield the fruit of earthshaking new insights (earthshaking for me). This one does not have big emotions, it is small emotions. So maybe I will learn small things But that is fine. It is the small things we learn which make life a softer experience for us.

“My 4 hour phone call with Beth”

2008-04-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

Tucson by Felix Pasilis

“My 4 hour phone call with Beth”
5:53 am Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Communicated by my Higher Self

It is very early morning, the sun has not yet risen above the mountains. The darkness of dawn is still in the yard, but the green leaves are very green and seen. It is the delicious frosty freshness of an early morning when the days have been too hot.

Two days ago, Sunday morning, at 9:30 in the morning, Annie got phone call from Beth. Even tho it sounded like Beth’s voice on phone, she could not imagine Beth would be calling her at 9 in the morning. Beth’s schedule her whole life has been up all night, sleep all day. But it was Beth. She has started to crash (fall asleep when she had not intended to). Wake up at unexpected times. Stay up for a few hours. And then go back to sleep. She called Annie because on her favorite radio station, people were calling in with their favorite love sonnets. Beth was enjoying it so much she thought Annie would too. She planned to go back to sleep, but instead they were on the phone for 4 straight hours.

Beth claimed Annie told her gazillion years ago, “you are the most unromantic girl I know.” Beth had called to say how romantic she is, and how much she loves these love sonnets. Beth is in love with her Tucson boyfriend, and she resonates to love sonnets.

Annie was overjoyed to hear Beth’s voice on the phone. She had just finished taking down a communication from me about her friend Michael. She and Beth and Michael had all been best friends together, back in Annie’s late 20s. Beth was practically the only person in the whole world, who Annie could say, “I was just thinking about Michael, he ended his friendship with me because I did something wrong, and was never friends with me again.” And Annie told Beth how (back in the late '70s) they had planned to make the cornish hens together, but she went to Helen’s party, got so confused she did not return home for 24 hours. And Michael was so infuriated about it, he said “that’s it for the friendship!” And she never saw him again. “But that’s insane” Beth said. “That’s not a normal thing to do, that is insane, how could he do that.” It was such a relief for Annie to hear Beth pronounce it insane right after I had spent the past two hours explaining to her that it was not a normal thing to do. It was so reinforcing. “I always accepted it as normal” Annie said, “until 10 minutes ago.” Which was her elliptical way of referring to the two hours we had just spent, where I got her to look at it all differently.

So you can imagine all the warmth and happiness Annie had for Beth. It seemed like a miracle. Beth, the one person who was there at the time, who knew Michael, who knew the friendship, would be on the phone with her now, and she could say about it.

After that the conversation changed to Beth talking about her life, and there was no let-up for 4 hours. Half of it was events which took place in New York City, and half were events which took place in Tucson. And a big part of it was her relationship with her Tucson boyfriend now. Beth is frustrated in the relationship and always trying to break up with him. She wants more than he is willing to give.

Some of the events which took place in New York City which Beth’s story told involved violence. She had rented a room in an apartment of some huge woman. When Beth took too long to move out when the woman told her “leave!”, the woman slapped her so hard across the face it knocked Beth across the room and her scarf fell off. Then the woman struck her again. Beth was so upset she peed in her pants. She asked the woman if she can wash out her underpants before she goes to look for another place. And the woman must have been shocked at what she did because she said Beth can wash out her underpants, so she has clean underpants, and use her drier. And then she disappeared. Beth said “it is very mysterious, she just disappeared, she must have been afraid I would call the cops.”

Then there was a story about another eviction. The marshals came, they frightened Beth’s dog so much when they pounded on the door, he went to the bathroom on the floor. And Beth grabbed her knapsack and some dog food, and a few items, and said “just let me go to the bathroom.” She said she must have had diaherria, because she took so long on the toilet, and the marshals were banging on the door saying “What is taking so long!”

And then she wound up sitting on the stoop with her dog and her possessions, homeless. But a wonderful woman named Judy Marshall happened to be walking by. And when she said “what are you doing here?” Beth told her. “Do you know of a shelter where I can take my dog?” Beth asked. And Judy Marshall found her a shelter where she could have her dog. Beth said it was very expensive $20 a night. And in the end it didn’t work out because Beth's dog did not get along with the other dogs, and they put him in a cage. And Beth wouldn’t stay in a place where her dog was in a cage, plus separated from her.

And then there was the story of how she got her dog. She lived across the street from a park with a swimming pool in it. It was January freezing cold winter. Because of her schedule, she was eating her supper on a bench at 5 am, it was pitch dark, when she heard sounds from the empty swimming pool. She deduced there was puppy in it who could not get out, and climbed down, and sure enough there was. She went home, put on warm clothes and came back with a bowl of water, a mat for him to lie on, and some food, and tried to rescue him. But he was feral, frightened, and had been abused. He snarled and tried to bite her when she first tried to rescue him. But after she brought him food and water he did lick her hand. But she couldn’t get him out, and called the ASPCA who took two hours to arrive, and they were able to do it. But they wouldn’t give Beth the puppy, she had fallen in love with him. They gave her his docket number and said “if you can recognize him in the ASPCA, you can adopt him.” So she went down there, found him from his number, and adopted him.

Meanwhile Beth had gotten married. But the dog had emotional problems because of abused puppyhood before Beth saved him. Apparently Beth’s husband opened the refrigerator, it was so full there was no room for him to put his food in it, he said something to her. She replied in irritated voice. Puppy thought husband was being mean to Beth and leaped on him. Husband was scared and enraged. “You sicced the dog on me! I am going to kill him!” He picked up the heavy wooden child desk from an old elementary school, the kind which is bolted to the floor, which Beth had found on the street, and went after the dog with that. And said he will throw him out the window. They lived on the 3rd floor. Beth was afraid he would kill her dog. She got in the middle to protect her dog. And she got hit.

It was a very short-lived marriage. Beth will not say his name now.

Annie had started to be wiped out by the time she finished her New York stories, there was too much emotion, too much drama. But the switch to her Tucson relationship was like pulling teeth. Because in a weird way it was like the opposite side of the same coin, too much the opposite extreme. It was the same long involved tales, where she went into detail. But this time it was all mountains out of molehills. Her idea of a relationship is they go to the movies together, they go to museums together, they go to restaurants together, hang out and talk together. What he likes is for Beth to come over and they make love. So for Beth it is all gnashing of gears, she tries to get him to change and he doesn’t want to change.

Beth went into a lot of detail about all of this. And it was hard to listen to, the way long tales of frustration are always hard to listen to. Because of spinning wheels aspect. Nothing goes anywhere, nothing is ever resolved, frustration is just heaped on frustration. And then suddenly that changed to Beth telling her the story of her dog dying. Right while Beth was there and saw it all. Right in her kitchen, as he was drinking water. And of course that was very upsetting. Beth cried as she told it and it wasn’t easy for Annie to hear either. This is the same dog she rescued from the empty freezing swimming pool all those long years ago, when she lived in Washington Heights in Manhattan with her new husband. The dog who had been with her thru all those evictions in NYC later.

Apparently Arlene, Beth’s best friend in Tucson, who Beth shares her day-by-day life with, as she did with Annie all those gazillion years ago when both girls were in their twenties-- Arlene was so concerned about Beth when her dog went to Heaven, she called protective services in Tucson. And two women came and took Beth to the psychiatric ward of Kino Hospital. Beth was incarcerated in the mental ward.

That story would have interested Annie to hear it, but Beth went off on a tangent. Apparently one morning Beth had called Arlene and said “I don’t know what to do, have my cup of coffee or feed my dog?” She meant, which should she do first? But Arlene got Beth committed by saying “she does not have any common sense at all, and she starved her dog” and gave that story as illustration of how Beth starved her dog. And Beth is very upset that that is now on her official record, that she starved her dog, which of course is not true.

“I really should tell Arlene I didn’t like what she did back then” Beth said. And it is quite amazing that the two girls’ friendship is still as strong as ever. It’s no wonder Beth thought it was insane of Michael to end his close friendship with Annie when she didn’t return home in time to cook the cornish hens together, when she never considered ending her friendship with Arlene, who claimed to authorities Beth’s dog died because she starved it, and had her locked up in mental hospital.

The last hour of the phone call was about her relationship with her boyfriend. By this time Annie thought, “if Jeff is willing to put up with all of Beth's mishegoss, she should put up with his.” Beth is in love with him. And altho she complains he treats her like a call girl, there is something to be said for a relationship of making love and that is all. Altho Beth said “we used to talk all the time before.”

Jeff has been married 3 times. Despite all the ups and downs of those marriages, they were real marriages. He had children, he has a little grandson he dotes on, and who lives with him. There is no way he is going to submit to Beth’s shenanigans. 24 year old boys are willing to put up with all that nonsense from 24 year old girls, because they don’t know it can be any different, they think ‘that is what relationships are, half the time you torture each other.’
Beth has not graduated from that place, but Jeff has. Yes he loves Beth, altho he won’t tell her that, and she doesn’t believe it for an instant. That is why she is always giving him a hard time. Every single thing he does, Beth interprets it as ‘it means you don’t love me.’ But if Beth wants more from this relationship besides love making, she has to stop the shit. She has zero intention of doing that now. But the two people love each other, and this relationship has been going on long time now, eventually they will find a way to work it out.

After 4 hours Annie had to get off, her mind simply stopped working totally. Beth had reached the point where she had now got everything off her chest she wanted, and she was up for a real mutual conversation, where they would be in the present, in the moment, and actually communicate and share. But it was way too late for Annie, she was blitzed.

I told Annie it was draining and depressing, too many stories about terrible things happening, and that her friend is out of her mind. I told her it actually saved Beth, that she was put in the mental hospital because shock is indicated for grief. It was such a huge shock for Beth to be hauled off to mental hospital and kept there, that it healed the worst of her grief, which would have devastated her. Plus it got her out of her apartment, it would have been terrible for Beth alone with her grief, and with her beloved dog not to be in her apartment and home, where his absence would kill her.
Plus death always causes huge guilt to arise. Beth would have eaten herself up with guilt, if she wasn't distracted by being incarcerated in mental hospital, it really did save her.

Beth never separated herself from God so she exampled God’s love wherever she went. This is why she won Annie’s heart completely when they were both 23 year old girls, and why Beth will always have Annie’s heart. The only time Beth chooses ego instead of God is in her relationships with men, which is why they are always so problematical for her and never last. Altho this one with Jeff is the longest lasting one for her. She always tries to break up with him and never succeeds. Her ego insists she break up with him. Her ego insists he belittles her. Her ego insists he doesn’t love her. Her ego insists all kinds of things. Beth, who never once heeds the ego in anything else, foolishly gives her full ear to the ego in this. But there is real love there on both sides. She never succeeds in breaking up with him. Her last decision, “on Friday” she told Annie, “was to let go and let God, and if this relationship is meant to be, so be it, but it will be a big project for her.”

And she is right on every count. It will be a big project for her. But not how she thinks. She thinks the problem is Jeff, she has no idea the problem is her.

Beth’s problem is unusual. Unlike the rest of the world, she happily chose God instead of the ego. She has no ego identification, so she has escaped anger, grievances, resentment, self-pity, fear and anxiety, and stress, and judgmentalness. And there is a lucidity and perspective she never loses because of this. Beth never loses her balance, she never has, she never will. But her problem is body identification. The ego's home is the body. Beth does not heed the mind of the ego, the voice of the ego, but the body identification is total, which is the source of all her problems. And is why Beth has as many ups and downs in life as anyone else, and also explains the densification of her consciousness.

As long as she makes every decision based on what she thinks her body "needs," she is trapped. She is not a slave to the voice of ego in the way most are, always taking offense, thinking self-importance matters. Beth would simply laugh if the ego tried any of that shit on her. She is so far beyond that. She sees with the eyes of God. So the ego used the body on Beth, and has her under its thumb that way. In the name of "health" Beth is kept completely earthbound and never reaches for the stars which is her true home.

"big and delightful"

2008-04-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Friday April 11 2008 6:47 am
Communicated by my Higher Self
"big and delightful"

Another perfect beautiful April morning. Each one more beautiful than the next. Altho two days ago, right in the midst of beautiful April mornings, a big fast-moving storm blew in, a whole day of stormy weather, and then presto! back to these exquisite April mornings. It could be a metaphor for Annie's life right now. There is an enchanted happiness happening, and then out of nowhere, suddenly, big storm, with all the works, grey cloudy chill thunder lightning rain. Bright and beautiful turns dark and cold. Loveliness turns to awfulness. And then back again to enchanted April. LOL just when she thinks "this is my new life, enchanted April," one of these awful storms blew into her mind. There are thunder claps, there is running for cover, there is turning cold dark stormy, there is "woe is me!" She freaks out, dark hopelessness returns, she thinks she is back to square one.

Meanwhile an incredible enchanted April is happening outside her window right at this minute. There has never been this much beautiful. The beauty is a non pareil. The green translucent leaves where the rising sun shines right thru them. That green! Those leaves! There has never been anything like that. This is what paradise looks like.

So the girl has a few problems! Big deal! Her idea of happiness is not having problems. But they come. She ran into one last night and it popped up again this morning too. Altho it didn't knock her for a loop this morning as it did last night. But it looks like it will be around. But she had an interesting dream as she was waking up:

In her dream she had a problem, not a personal problem, it was like a political drama, except she was in it. She realized the clue to the mystery was the cook. The drama centered around Juan Williams, a political reporter who is on a news show she watches (he is a nice friendly guy). In the dream she notices the food was so delicious, that she thought, if we find the cook we will find the solution, the cook is the key to what is happening. Something wrong seemed to be happening, but she didn't want it to be a big exposé and embarrass anyone, she thought it should be handled quietly. "We just have to find out who is cooking for Juan Williams because he is the same one cooking for the other guy" she said. "This food is so delicious, it is the clue to the cook, the cook is preparing food for both of them together, they must meet together." All thru the dream she kept seeing it as a bad problem which had to be solved, as something bad was happening, and a solution had to be found, something big and bad. But as she opened her eyes in the morning, the voice was still speaking the dream to her. She heard the voice, it was a clear girl's voice. And the last words the voice said were "big and delightful."

"Big and delightful" she thought, "I thought it was big and bad."

"Something big and delightful is happening" were the words she heard. "I thought something big and bad was happening" she thought.

She thought "this is the exact opposite of how I have been seeing it."

Yes (in her life now) a person has started to hang around their life who is trouble, who brings trouble wherever he goes. lol he is the personification of trouble. And yes Annie would like Bill to shoo him away instead of befriending him. She doesn't like it that he is living in his van in front of their house. When he was hanging around last autumn, in their yard, she heard him bully one of the neighbor children who live up the block. Apparently the kid had done work for him and he had promised to pay the kid, and when the kid came around to ask for the money, he bullied the child very meanly. Bill did not like it either and told him to go away. And he hasn't been back till this week, when Bill has befriended him again.

So it's natural Annie's mind in her dream would go around and around a problem which has to be solved. Altho oddly enough, there is very little connection between Juan Williams'(dream) political problem, and the troublesome man in their front yard. The only thing significant about that dream is the voice she heard speaking it at the end saying "big and delightful."

So what I want to suggest is that even tho if Annie had her way she would rule out all problems in her life, she would not allow one to enter, it can be the nature of problems to bring a change which is big and delightful. Obviously a man who brings trouble wherever he goes, is not someone anyone wants in their life. But trouble causes change. And change means something which is fixed one way, breaks up, and can come together in a new way. Annie has real problems of her own, which have nothing to do with whether a man who brings trouble walked into their front yard. She has troubles in her own mind, half the time she is happy half the time she is troubled, and they are lodged very adhesively in her mind. And it certainly would be big and delightful if she could ever get rid of them. That is why she freaked out last night and lost all hope. The advent of the man who brings trouble in her yard again last night, brought back to mind all of Annie's own troubles. Her freaked-out response was a response to that, his advent always triggers that for Annie. Altho it can be triggered by anything at anytime.

So my suggestion to Annie is, it would be a godsend of all godsends to have this big trouble in her mind finally resolved. It has been way too many years of it. To be free of it would be solid secure real happiness, not changeable as an April day. So maybe she can try for an open mind about the man who brings trouble. Yes he stirs things up, but by the time it is over, she could wind up big and delightful.

All my love to all of you,
Annie’s Higher Self

Who knew this means renewal

2008-04-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

the sparrows are all over my backyard, I love them

Bumpy evening (but happy morning)
Communicated by my Higher Self
April 8, 2008, 7:02 am
Tuesday

Well it is another beautiful April morning, early still, so light shines on new pretty young leaves, and turns them glowing green, that lovely pretty green of new young leaves.

All is well.

All is happy lit-up beauty.

And the birds are all chirping up a storm.

Annie had a shock last evening. She was eating a banana and felt something hard in the banana in her mouth and thought "O no!" She knew it was that jiggly tooth which had been bothering her for past 3 days. And sure enough it was. A root canal and false tooth put in is very expensive proposition, plus some of her friends recently had painful experiences from root canal. I suggested she ask her mom on email if her mom wants to pay for it, and let that make her decision. Her mom just wrote back she doesn't want to pay for it. That leaves the option of driving to Mexico for it (it is 3 trips), finding out if there is dentistry at low cost for low income in Tucson, or just doing nothing. I think for the time being she should just do nothing. She thinks "how will I ever smile again if I do nothing?" But she can practice smiling with her lower lip as high up as it will go to cover her teeth. And if it shows it is not the biggest tragedy in the world. I am not saying she should permanently do nothing about it. I am just saying, right now she should do nothing. If she can keep her spirits high and happy, despite the tooth thing, then everything is OK.

It completely knocked her for a loop when it first happened. Because the instant it happened she contemplated doing nothing, and it seemed like such a blow to give up prettiness. She had some perspective, she knew it wasn't the worst thing in the world which had happened. But her happiness ran out the window. She was a stressed unhappy girl.

But at some point she decided to try to be happy again. To just forget about it and try to be happy again. She went on her news forum and posted about Jesse Ventura and Ron Paul, and said she wished they would be in the White House next year. She likes them both so much.

And she did have good dreams when she fell asleep at night. She dreamt everyone was in the doctor's waiting room, they were all sitting on chairs, the doctor was at his desk in front of them. She was there to buy an inhaler for asthma. But when it was her turn, she said "I don't have breathing problems anymore, I don't have asthma anymore, sometimes I gag, but I don't have any more asthma." And he said "then you don't need the inhaler." "I don't?" she said. "You don't." "How much is it?" He said "16 dollars." She said "O good! then I can spend that money on treats for myself." And then because she was happy and high spirited and loved her doctor, she plopped herself down on his lap, to give him affection. Which shocked her and shocked the doctor, but she didn't care, she was happy.

There were other dreams too, where things all worked out her way.

O yes that peculiar dream. She was walking in Times Square, she was with someone. A man in front of her had nice slippers. She tried them on and she liked them. She handed it back to him, it was just one slipper. But they had walked quite a distance. They were all taking the boat to Florida. And he and the woman he was with were asking her if she liked Florida. "I was only there once" she said, "as kid, my mom took me when she visited her mom, she wanted her mom to see her daughter, me. I remember the airport when we arrived and got off, it smelled from coconut, I loved Florida."

The man and his wife knew Florida very well, they loved it. He said "I just bought the slippers, I bought them in the drug store, they are not expensive at all." "But there aren't anymore drug stores" Annie said, "except that one in Times Square where you bought yours and I don't want to walk all the way back there." It was a conflict, should she return and buy the great slippers, or just keep going? She decided to just keep going. So she got on the tour boat. Which appeared to be heading north to Alaska, but she knew she was going to Florida, so she thought "maybe it came from Alaska." And when the boat made a stop for them to all get off, the tour guide or boat captain said "there is a nice public beach here." And Annie wanted to swim in the lake. She hadn't brought a bathing suit, she hadn't brought anything with her. But she figured she would improvise something. And that is when she woke up in the morning, she was heading to the beach, it was night, she was going to swim in the lake and improvise.

There was one more dream. She was with Leona, the mother of her high school boyfriend, walking around the grounds of Pomonok, the city housing project where her boyfriend had lived, across the street from the housing project where she grew up. She and Leona were walking on the grass and the grass was in terrible shape. And they were both saying to each other how easy it would be for them to put in new beautiful green grass and they would do it, and they pictured the new beautiful green grass in their mind's eye.

So I think the best way we can handle the tooth thing, is let's work on restoring your happiness first. Even tho this tooth thing happened, there is no reason, there is nothing stopping you, from being even happier than you were before. Of really letting your spirits rise, of aiming high for happiness. Why not go really up there, be really happy. And then after we have achieved that, we can come up together with some solution to the tooth thing. It doesn't mean we will never fix it, it just means we won't fix it right now.

I know it's hard to put out of your mind, but it will get easier, you will start to forget about it. And obviously if you are having dreams about renewal, it is renewal which is on the agenda. This is the time of renewal, a great time of renewal, a time of great renewal. If the asthma is gone, then you have reached some plateau you were striving for. It arrived 20 odd years ago out of nowhere, you had never had it before. It afflicted you for 12 years and then began diminishing and now it is all gone. On a symbolic level, you were out of breath from exertion, you were making a climb, you were struggling climbing up. Darling it is cause for celebration, that you have reached this plateau. And a boat in the opposite direction of icy Alaska, on its way to Florida, is a boat to paradise. The stops along the way include a nice public beach to swim in the nice lake, what could be better! And finding those wonderful slippers. I know they weren't pretty and glamorous, they were brown and a man's slippers, but so cushioned, so comfortable, so perfect in every way, and available in any drug store. Of course you were right not to return to Times Square to buy them, when you are on your way to paradise. But now you know they exist, you will keep your eyes open for them, they may come your way. And that you and Leona are seeding a new lawn in the public housing project, to turn it all green and beautiful for everyone. What is more luxurious and wonderful than beautiful green grass!

Darling be happy
All my darlings, be happy
Great great happiness is at hand
for all of you

I love you
Annie's Higher Self who loves you all more than the universe

April pretty in Tucson

2008-04-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

Margot paints pretty spring morning in Tucson
(Catalina Mountains)

Monday April 7 2008
Communicated by my Higher Self
9:05 am

A birthday came and went and by and large Annie enjoyed the experience. It was most intense the 3 days before, when birthday consciousness overtook her mind. By the day of her actual birthday, the climax had passed, altho it was pleasant culmination.

The day after, it was all gone, which was nice too. It was pleasant that it was over, and regular consciousness returned.

Her life is still in a phase of nothing happening, which she is liking. It is nice to relax in bed in front of tv screen in evenings, even if there are not shows which engage her. It is helping her be more relaxed. And she is waking up with more optimistic outlook. That negative pull which greeted her each time she opened her eyes in morning, hasn't been there for past few days. She is waking up more balanced. Good! That negative pull was like a grey cloud. It never lasted, she would have her coffee her cig turn on her machine, and it would dissipate. But it was there for few years. She'd open her eyes in the morning and think "A new day, who wants it!" It was a distinct lack of enthusiasm about starting up her life again. And she has been waking up neutral the past few days. Some cloud cover in her mind has slipped away.

Spending her evenings watching old reruns of "Beverly Hillbillies" has been very healing for Annie. They are so kind to each other and to everyone else, it moves her mind to a gentler place.

All my love to all of you
and all my blessings to all of you
Love and kisses, Annie's Highe Self

"My life is now TV"

2008-04-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

Sparrow

Friday, April 4, 2008
Communicated by my Higher Self
6:54 am

"My life is now TV"

It is a beautiful early morning in early April, and the trees are dressed in their early green leaf, a very pretty green, the green of new life. Bill has been doing a lot of work on the roof. They come home from the pool, he sits for a while outside to wait for it to cool down slightly, then he gets out the ladder and goes up there, and stays up there till it is too dark to see. It is not only patching the hole where the water collects when it rains and pours thru the ceiling and wall. The bigger job he does up there, the one which is taking all this time, is getting the coolers ready for when the big heat arrives in mid-May. The spiders were all clogged, so he bought the kits to build new ones, which is an easy job for the professional cooler repair men who do that all the time, but is tricky and difficult for someone who has never done it.

The great advantage to doing all this work now, is for two months he said he was going to do it, it has been on his back long time, and there is huge relief in actually doing it, instead of putting it off and thinking "I will have to face it." Also when the second-hand car acted bizarrely last week he took it in to Mark and Larry and was told another huge car repair bill to fix the problem. And when he finally told Annie about it yesterday morning, she pointed out they save money by him doing all this work on roof now, instead of paying professionals to do it, so that is the money they have for new car repair bill. Which has sweetened all these jobs for Bill because now he doesn't only see it, as doing what has to be done, but sees it "as this pays for the new car repair." The 2nd hand old car gets used so rarely, they go everywhere in truck, but Bill is very fond of the big old second-hand car and wants it to be in good running order, there are certain times and places he likes driving it, and he wants it.

Annie is still watching a lot of tv, half the afternoon and all evening. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Her cable line-up took away the old movie station, so she no longer has the option of hoping there will be a good movie on. So she has started to watch a lot of things she never watched before. She had kept away from some of the reality tv shows, because she would see those tense unhappy faces and just click past them. But as soon as she actually starts watching one, she gets addicted, because they are real people with real problems. And she gets involved caring about them, and sorting thru their problems, and even asking me for help in understanding and suggestions for solutions.

I think it is too bad her cable company managed to take away most of the entertainment shows Annie totally enjoyed watching. She used to be so happy watching "Matlock," she had so much fun watching an old movie with no interruptions for commercials. There was a sweetness and happiness when she would nestle down on her pillows, eat her bonbons smoke her cigs, and think "this is too good to be true." Treats just came in so many directions. She isn't having this anymore. The MONK shows are all re-runs she has seen, and even tho occasionally one is so good, that she derives delicious happiness from seeing it all over again, usually she switches back to news show when she realizes "O I remember this one."

And sometimes the news shows don't hold her interest. There are times she spends as much time looking for something to watch, as she does watching anything. That is usually when she winds up watching one of the new reality tv shows for first time, and then gets pulled into that. I'm not crazy about that because often the people do have real problems, hard ones. I'm happier when Annie blisses out in front of MONK or Matlock and thinks "life is worth living." I like it when she feels life is delicious. LOL but I'd rather her watch reality tv and think about their problems, than shut the tv down in frustration and think about her own. And I haven't encouraged her to go on her forum in the evenings, to solve the boring tv problem, because at night many posters drink. She's had too many experiences of being lashed out at by posters down in their cups. It was productive for a long time because it gave her so much practice in trying to keep her balance. But I don't want her to have emotional evenings on her forum now. We are doing something else in her life.

"But what?" Annie wonders. She is accustomed to a lot of tv, but not this much tv. She used to spend a few hours with tv, and a lot of time on her forum, now I have switched it. A few hours in the morning on her forum, when most posters post from work and are lucid, and then a long time on tv, late afternoon and whole of evening.

But I like it because it shores up energy. Right now her life has small difficulties, not big ones. But a small difficulty can bump and jostle you. They can be a bumpy ride. Previously for Annie the small difficulties were like a bad patch of road in a car with no springs in it. She really did get buffeted about. I'm not saying she has to ace her small difficulties. But if she has a nice flow of energy available, she has a better chance of not being run off the road, when her car of life hits some rocks and starts to swerve and careen (and throws her into that briar patch). What that extra energy does, is help her deal with it while it is going on, and recover swiftly from it when it is over....

Yes she may feel like she is in a holding pattern. But huge change is taking place on the planet. Huge change is taking place in all of your minds. If ever there was a time to try to take it easy whenever you can, this is the time.

All my love to all of you
Annie's Higher Self

Happy April, Happy Spring to all

2008-04-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

I send you all pink roses
let you have every happiness
I love you
Annie

"Watching the News on TV"

2008-03-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

photo by D.R,
Communicated by my Higher Self

Sunday morning 10 AM
3/30/08

"Watching the News on TV"

It is beautiful Sunday morning in Tucson. Very Easter Sunday-ish altho Easter Sunday was last week. Blue skies, sunshine, birds on the wing. Warm and sunny and peaceful.

Annie is doing fine. Yes memories of past trauma swim into view. She wonders if she will ever be free of that. And sometimes they cluster and upend her sense of safety. But eventually she gets her balance back.

But other than that, she posts on her news forum in the morning, swims and grocery shops in afternoon, and then watches TV for rest of day.
She has been watching a lot of TV, because she started watching the news channels again.

It is less frustrating to her now than it was 10 years ago, because then when I gave her an insight, she longed to join the discussion on TV, and now she can simply post my insight on her news forum. So she has satisfying balance going on this time. She listens to everything said on TV, then mutes tv, turns her head aside on pillow, hears all my input on it all, and next morning posts it on her forum.

And because of the serious power struggle among the power elites in DC now, the news is very interesting. A war between power elites is serious, and hopefully they will each bring the other down in the process.

On a personal front there is some loosening of embedded ideas. She will switch channels from a news show about current events to watch an old "I Love Lucy" episode, and wonder "is one more real than the other?" I think that is the real advantage she is getting from all her tv watching now. She will switch from watching a war-torn area of the world, to Andy Griffiths in Mayberry, and think "is one more real than the other?" The world gives belief that what is shown on the news is happening in reality, and the "Beverly Hillbillies" is just a tv show, no reality. But these hard and fast distinctions about what is real that the world makes, in Annie's mind it is loosening.

She is beginning to see the world gives credence to one and not the other, but they each can just be different channels on the world's tv, just different shows.

It even crossed her mind last night while she was watching "I Love Lucy," it was an episode she remembered watching when she was 10 years old, and she found it just as fun and funny to watch now as she did back then. She thought "if I Love Lucy has lasted for 50 years but the news from back then has evaporated, is it possible I Love Lucy has more reality to it?"

She is having fun watching the news shows too. Except for a few, they are all familiar faces to her. She got to know each one of these people very well when she watched the TV news shows 24/7 for two years (from '98 to 2000). Her familiarity makes her feel very comfortable watching them, she knows them all, there is affection there. And because she sees with softer eyes now, she is getting to know them all better and liking them a lot more. Plus she is no longer mad at all her "old enemies." She was furious at them back then for suppressing the truth, but now that a different ballgame is being played out in power politics, they are not unilaterally lining up to suppress truth, because they are on various sides within the power struggle.

So Annie is watching them with innocent eyes now, her rage at them has ended. She asked me, "should I forgive them all now, now that they are doing something else, forget what they did?" And I suggested "no, it is better to remember that they demonstrated untrustworthiness when the chips were down." But I am still glad for Annie's sake she sees them with soft eyes now.

All my love to all of you
Annie's Higher Self

The Moment of Quantum Awakening by Ken Carey

2008-03-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

from the book: The Third Millennium - Living in the Posthistoric World

by Ken Carey (communicated to him by the angels)

book was published April 1, 1991

The Moment of Quantum Awakening

At the moment of quantum awakening, change will occur rapidly, rippling across the terrestrial surface like a wave. Everything in the earth's gravitational field will be affected in some way. There will be a time of massive change, of change on a scale that has no historical precedent, though it does have antecedents in the prehistoric events of this and of distant worlds. The changes that your generation will experience before it passes the torch to another are more fundamental than those that accompanied the agriculture revolution-and those changes took thousands of years. They are more far-reaching than the changes of industrialization, which took nearly three centuries to transpire. Yet, deep and fundamental, massive though these present changes are, they will occur within the span of just a single life.

Properly understood, these changes and their coming have the ability to inspire a degree of hope and optimism unprecedented in the history of your race; for they spell the end of mankind's subconscious condition and therefore portend, as the scriptures of the world foretell, an end to bloodshed, starvation, warfare, exploitation, and needless suffering.

Within your lifetime you will witness revelations that will show the foolness of much that was once deemed wise. You will watch as traditions and historical habit patterns once assumed to be survival imperatives are discovered to be detriment to a healthy life and to a healthy society. Behavior that made sense for creatures who imagined they were islands of individuality is abandoned by those who experience the interconnectivity of all life. The consciousness that is awakening upon this world is no respecter of Darwin values. Its perception brings new values and new ways of being. During these decades you are seeing the descent of the Angels of Healing. Even now, all around you-and perhaps in your own life-they are incarnating. In some cases these are beings who have not known human form since before the decent of historical time.

It is possible that you are among those who have held only a tenuous and flickering connection with your incarnational successions. It is no matter for judgment. Those who incarnate now, those who bring the fullness of their eternal talents, attributes, and perspectives into today's people, are the agents of healing. They alone have it in their power to experience this awesome time of transition as glorious or traumatic. All are invited to remember their essence, their purpose, their reason for being here, and to bring through into this age of transition the sense of celebration that invariable accompanies such remembrance.

Our numbers upon the earth have grown rapidly since our first large-scale arrivals began in the late 1960's. Yet it is not quantity, not numbers that will make the difference, but the quality of our compassion, the quality of the love that radiates from our hearts. Every individual who becomes a clear and undistorted channel for eternal love into these times offsets a thousand who remain locked in the dissolving values of the old.

We are rapidly dispelling what remains of human illusion, helping all to identify with the growing currents, the energies and the forces of love and life. You are already living in the dawning of the age of Planetary Awakening, the age of peace and community building. It is here now for the most sensitive to its fragrance, texture, majesty, and vision. The age has begun when the earth is to be cultivated like a flower garden and her gifts presented as conscious offerings to the gardeners of eternal beauty, the age when humankind return its gifts to the earth, to her soil, her streams, her mountains, her oceans, her creatures of water, air, fire, and clay.

The future, as always, holds an element of surprise. Yet some things are as certain as the movement of the stars. A mother never knows exactly what hour she will give birth to her child, but since she has a "due date," an approximate time when the baby is expected and will most likely be born. For millennia now there have been those in various traditions of both East and West who have known that the earth has a due date something during the second decade of the twenty-first century. Though there will be much awakening of individuals prior to the first unified movement of the awakened planetary organism, this movement, like a first breath, will occur in but a single moment. It is then that the Star Maker will consciously awaken in all systems of human biocircuitry capable of sustaining universal awareness.

Babies are sometimes born early, sometimes late. So be aware, be vigilant. Do not discount the possibility that the moment might come as a thief in the night. And do not be among the foolish who will wait until the last moment to come to terms with the rising awareness. This is to be an important occasion. It is the event that is central to all of human history. Our emphasis for many thousands of years now has been and continues to prepare you for this single moment. For though the changes will be dramatic, they need not be traumatic.

Though they will bring a fundamental human revisiting of reality's nature, this need not be perceived as threatening. Essentially, it is a positive and joyous event. The consciousness that will eventually emerge will be the consciousness of the Eternal One, the Creator, the Being of Life, awake and aware for the first time inside a material universe. Human circuitry is designed to accommodate this consciousness. In much the same way that your individual cells understand their relationship to you, each awakened human being understands him- or herself in hologramatic relationship to this unified field of awareness.

Since this perception of self differs significantly from historical perception, its emergence in collective human consciousness presents the potential of disorientation in those who might react to its coming in fear. We have much to do before the preparation of human consciousness is complete. Still, even if the awakening were to occur in this very moment with no further preparation, it would be an event of unprecedented beauty. However, in that case fewer people would be in a position to appreciate it. We wish to to maximize enjoyment and minimize discomfort for all concerned. If human beings understand more fully what is occurring, they will be less likely to react in ways that would cause them unnecessary discomfort.

Regardless of whether one accepts this change or attempts to back away from it, this event will be of greater power than any the earth has ever seen. More energy will be released in a very few moments than is typically released upon the surface of the earth in many years. This energy will take the form of heightened perception and deepened emotional connection, rejoining the individual and God.

Though this unprecedented time of intensified energy radiation still lies a few years before you, you are already near enough to it and the event will be so powerful that time is behaving with increasing subjectivity, bubbling and warping, creating islands of the future wherever there are those who deliberately invoke the energies of the emerging consciousness and demonstrate willingness to live their lives in love.

These are not disconnected islands beneath the receding seas of historical illusion. They are united in a veritable continent of rising awareness. As the new reality comes fully into human consciousness (at that moment when the Creator's luminous field comes into perfect alignment with the Earth Mother), all illusion of destructive nature will be dissolved. Though there have been many centuries leading up to this moment, when the moment comes it will be decisive.

There will be a great shift then, a single moment of quantum awakening. In this moment, the smallest interval of time measured in these dimensions-this interval that occurs in every atom between each of its billions of oscillations per second-will be lengthened unto infinity. An interval of nontime will expand. Through that expansion eternity will flow. Some will experience this moments as minutes or hours, others as a lifetime. Still others will experience this flash of nontime as a succession of many lives, and some few will, in this moment, know the Nagual itself, the great nameless Presence that exists before and after all these worlds.

In the expanse of the nontime interval, human beings will have all the time they require to realize, experience, and remember full consciousness of their eternal spirits and to recall the origin of their individuality in the primordial fields of being. All will have ample time to recharge their form identity and its biological projection with the awareness of who they are, why they have individualized, and why they have chosen to associate with the planet's human expression. Each one will have the choice to return to biological form or to remain in the fields of disincarnate awareness.

Those who choose to return to human form will do so fully aware of who they are. No longer will they be put partially incarnate; they will resume biological residence with the full memory and consciousness of their eternal natures, sharing the creative capacities of the Star Maker, whose reflective cells they will then know themselves to be.

Subconscious orientation in fear will be replaced by conscious orientation in love. The sudden release of power, as the polarity of the collective human emotional field shifts from outer to inner orientation, cannot be avoided no no matter how smoothly we seek to guide the transition. All will feel an unmistakable surge of power in the instant of quantum awakening. This is as inevitable as the daily rotation of the earth's continents into and out of the light of the sun.

But the effects? The implications? There is no way to predict them. They depend on the choices you make today. By extrapolating current trends of consciousness we can establish a probable range of effect. But there may be as many as eight billion people incarnate at that moment, each with complete freedom of choice. And though the choices each one makes in his or her lifetime prior to that moment will certainly predispose that person in one direction or another, there are no guarantees, no assurances.

The spiritual polarity of collective human consciousness did shift one before, triggering a reversal of the earth's magnetic field, a shifting in the position of the poles, and a great deal of destruction. However, that shift was a shift from consciousness to subconsciousness.

We will have a degree of control during this conscious shift that was absent then and so do not expect the same sort of cataclysmic shock waves. Still it would be underestimating the variables to assume that earth changes will not accompany this event. Almost certainly some will. These will be for the most part of benevolent nature-a melting of the polar ice caps, for example, bringing rain to arid regions and helping to cleanse toxins from polluted lakes and rivers, a warming and simultaneous moistening of climate that will open to agriculture the extensive plains and fertile river valleys of Greenland, Antarctica, and certain of the world's deserts.

To minimize the trauma of this moment for you and others of the human family, it is important that you prepare for it well ahead of time, establishing the habits that will leave your self-understanding fluid, relaxed., and trusting in the overall benevolence of the universe and its resident intelligence.

The best way to prepare for any future moment in time is be fully in the present moment now.

The only habit you must cultivate, though it may go against the programming and traditions of your society, is to allow your consciousness the relaxed flow of attention that brings you a clear and accurate picture of the phenomenal world and continuous awareness of the Eternal Presence from which it has unfolded. Such a state of consciousness will allow you to enjoy the rushing energy currents and heightened awareness that will sweep through the earth during the expansion of the nontime interval and will maximalize the stabilizing influence that radiates from you into your local surroundings.

Long before the moment of collective awakening there will have been established a sufficient core of people functioning on higher frequencies of awareness to enable the harmonic currents of their respective amplified radiations to displace the influence of those who may react in fear, both at the moment of collective awakening and beforehand. The frequency radiations or vibratory emissions of fear are not harmonious. Their effect on collective human consciousness increases at an arithmetical rate (1,2,3,4, etc.) for each additional person whose behavior is centered in fear, but they do not build in the kind of geometric progression (2,4,8,16, etc.) that is characteristic of the harmonic radiations of love.

Before the final instant of final awakening, the radiations of love will constitute the predominant vibrational influence on collective human consciousness, even while a numerical majority remains centered in the historical orientation. That condition is now very near. You who have motivated by love bring to bear on collective human awareness an influence much greater than your historical reason might suppose.

Individually you have an impact on the collective predispositions of your species far greater than that of those who are merely trodding the timeworn paths of self-centeredness. You who do your best to make your decisions out of love, who refuse to be controlled by the subconscious machinations of fear, who take time, if necessarily, in difficult situations to proceed slowly, consciously, lovingly, are truly among our own. Your awareness of these things will soon be in full. You are upon we can depend during the coming shift.

(From: "The Third Millennium-Living in the Posthistoric World" by Ken Carey)

Dawn

2008-03-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter to All

Communicated by my Higher Self
Thursday 3/27/08
7:29 am

"Dawn"

It is lovely spring morning in Tucson. Annie is not as nervous as she has been, so maybe this is a good time to blog together. She and Jan talked long time on telephone yesterday morning, and each asked the other "where did all the nervousness come from?" Jan said it went away few days ago, which is pretty much what Annie had, altho the intensity of it had started to ebb few days before that, right after the Equinox.

So Annie said to Jan she will ask me what is going on. What can I say? Huge changes were going on, and still are going on, altho the mind has stabilized. Actually what happened was major ascension. This simply means your mind was going higher. At its most intense point, when the acceleration was so intense, when Annie started to feel after a while of it "it is like being crazy or having a nervous breakdown" -- it was akin to the spin cycle in a drier. The reason the mind was so afflicted with negative thoughts and there appeared to be no escape from them, is that the intense acceleration was "spinning" them out of your mind. They were flying out. It is a purification process. A discharging. You can picture it as a powerful blower brought to bear on your mind. It actually blew out all the negative thoughts. That was why it was so unbearable to be in your mind, one negative thought followed another, with its charged negativity.

Of course there is no way for you to see how clean your mind is now as a result. But as you start to relax more and more, and you will, actually what you will experience is your mind is higher up than it used to be. It was the negative thoughts in it, which had densified it and lowered it, and without them pulling your mind down, it naturally rises up. You actually experienced all this happening. During the time when all the negative thoughts were being blown off, when one after another came into your mind, you did think "what a drag!" Exactly! These are the thoughts which were dragging down your mind. And now they are gone.

You may not yet realize how they are gone and if they are gone, but you will notice your mind is higher. By higher I mean you will notice you are closer to your Higher Self. The distance between where you are and I am (or your own Higher Self) has minimized. In fact, altho this may be too hard for you to believe, you are at my level. For first time ever you share my ground. Your mind has reached up to where your Higher Self lives.

This is such a bright and beautiful thing to have happened, so new and clean and pure, and so alive and so fresh. This is the freshness of the instant of dawn, cool and fresh, and thrilling with the dawn of brand new day, and the birds singing to greet it, and the light filled with translucence. Everything of newness is there. The very start of dawn is breathtaking, it doesn't last that long, soon the new day is in swing. My darling, all my darlings, this is exactly where you are. At the breathtaking beginning, at the absolutely new.

Life will feel a little easier now, you will walk with lighter step. This is what a break-thru feels like. You are all doing great!

All my love to all of you,
Annie's Higher Self