Ruthie reads the book I wrote about her

Reflection on the sea
Harbor at Old San Juan
photo by Linda Gallop
I wrote my novel, Ruthie Has a New Love, for November is National Write a Novel in a Month (NANO). When it came time to edit it, it was a mountain of labor to fix those gazillion typos (every word had typos in it).

I had loved my novel when I wrote it just because I wrote it. Now I didn’t think it was any good. I was just going to let it get lost on my machine. But then NANO emailed all of us, “if we edit it by June, Amazon’s company Createspace will publish it and post it for sale on Amazon.”

How could I resist such an offer! I had sent the book I wrote back in NYC, which I thought was good book, to every editor and publisher in USA. No one wanted it! I had given up on publishing.

When I discovered I could write a story and then post it on my Blog on internet, I was thrilled. I had been doing that happily for past 4 years and the idea of publishing had gone out of my mind.

And here suddenly out of nowhere I had an offer to publish the novel I wrote for NANO. I wanted it. So then I edited my novel. And by the time I finished, I fell in love with it all over again. It wasn’t hot, but it had its own something.

So I got out that email from NANO to find out how I send it to Amazon’s company so they can publish it. And that is when I discovered, they just print it and bind it. All the work to turn it into a paperback I have to do myself. But I was in too deep now. I wanted to publish my book. So I did it.

I’ll ask my Higher Self what she thinks about the book

Anne could not have published this novel without Ruthie’s help. Anne was terrified and overwhelmed when she first found out what was involved. Yes the angels on the community board at Create Space were a cornucopia of help.

But Ruthie held her hand all thru it. Ruthie is the computer expert, so she supplied the confidence. Plus she sent Anne helpful software in the mail.

The 2 girls were on the phone every day. The only thing Anne did not do was to send her a copy of it before it was published. Ruthie naturally was dying to read it, Anne had finally confided the book was about her.

But Anne thought “if I send it to Ruthie before I publish it, she will make me take everything out, she won’t like it that I tell all her secrets.”

So the first time Ruthie ever read the book was in a paperback ordered from Amazon.

It may have been right after Ruthie finally got to read it that Anne and Ruthie were doing Higher Self together on phone. Anne asked the questions, Ruthie tuned into her Higher Self for the answers.

Anne asked Ruthie’s Higher Self, “what do you think of the book?”

Ruthie’s Higher Self answered “I love it, it is all about Me.” She said “the book is real, and people crave things which are real. Mostly all people get is entertainment. But real is more satisfying. And some parts of the book are fun and funny.

Not everyone will like the book, and if they don’t like it, fine! Let them just pass it on!”

Ruthie reads the book

Ruthie didn’t get to read the book till everyone else did. She had been on vacation in Hawaii with her best friend Joanie from NYC when CreateSpace first published it. I put in a discount code so Ruthie could buy it at same price as me, $4.40. But they insisted Hawaii was a foreign country, and wanted to charge Ruthie $25 for overseas shipping.

I emailed CreateSpace “Hawaii is not a foreign country.”

They emailed me back “we have to get around to fixing that, but meanwhile that is how it is.”

Finally Joanie just ordered the book from Amazon. “It’s a book about you Ruthie, I want to read it.”

Which is how Ruthie finally got to read it. She read Joan’s copy.

At first Ruthie sensibly skipped over all the parts about her, and the result is she loved the book. I put in a lot of subtlety in that book to make up for fact it was not a hot book. And Ruthie drank in all the subtlety.

I cried with happiness when she called me up to tell me her experience of reading the book.

However, two months later she sat down and read all the parts about her.

And then I got a phone call.

“Can you change it,” she asked.

Luckily they make it so easy to republish. Of course I want to make Ruthie happy.

My Mom and Me Make Up

Here are the wonderful photos of wildflowers on the desert my friend Rusty Storbeck took during this April and May. Most of the flowers are so tiny they are smaller than his pinky fingernail. I chose 5 to post with my story. I love all his photos, so it is not easy to choose which ones to post, you can see his other wonderful photos here

And here is the story I wrote this past Monday, the day after Mothers Day. It is not a conventional mother/daughter story but it has a very happy ending...


I connected to my Higher Self at end of ‘91, a few years later I discovered I can communicate with anyone in Heaven. It’s on the same frequency.

I do have a beautiful relationship with my dad in Heaven, altho mostly I like to stick to my Higher Self. I took it for granted I would be close to my mom too when she went to Heaven, but a week after she left the world, this past October, I found out she disinherited me. I shut the door tight on her after that and never thought I would open it again.

This is the story of how she got me back. I am glad she went to all that effort to do it, because it is a new wonderful joy in my life.

My mom who is in Heaven now wants to be friends with me now. She wants to restore our relationship, she wants us to be close and loving. This is an actual experience. It started right before my birthday in early April.

We had only had two or 3 conversations because of my reluctance to be in relationship with her. I am not sure if bitter is the right word it was more like I was really done with her.

I had spent my whole lifetime in relationship with her. The relationship had lacked a lot and been difficult the whole time.

But after my dad went to Heaven I really wanted to be there for her. I wanted to give her everything. She no longer had my dad so I decided I would be the one to give her everything.

For that to happen we had to be peers and friends, equals. So when I first went back home I tried to put the relationship on this new footing. I wanted to let her know she could no longer control me, she had controlled me her whole life. So I refused to let her control me. She insisted on controlling me. She put up a stunning amazing relentless fight but she could not succeed. She could not succeed because I was doing all this for her. The result is she went to war with me for the next 16 years.

I had done all this so I could give her constant unconditional love, which is exactly what I did give her for 16 years. Every thought for her happiness. But she spent those 16 years hating me and punishing me for losing the fight, and her last act was to disinherit me, by that she won the fight.

Everything about everything was totally bizarre. It was like watching someone have a fight with themself or with an imaginary person. She was treating me like some awful enemy, when in truth I was a completely loving devoted daughter.

So you can see how when it was all over and she was now in Heaven, finally having all the fantastic unalloyed happiness I always wanted for her, and my responsibility for her happiness was over, and her last act had been such a horrid one, to deprive me of my dad’s money and make it clear she did not love me, I had really had it with that girl.

It had been 16 years of her horridness to me. I was just so relieved the relationship was over. It seemed like an awful burden I was now relieved of. Altho occasionally when I came across something on the web I knew she would love, a photo of an animal or a flower, something she loves— for 16 years I had emailed her anything and everything I thought she would love. That habit persisted. I would come across something and think “my mom would love this” and by reflex action to want to send it to her.

The habit of wanting to make her happy and giving her pleasure never went away. Bill’s sister sent me the other day a photo of a dove taking care of a baby puppy. This is the kind of thing my mom would love and my first thought was to send it to her. It was the one thing we all share, me and Bill, Bill’s sister Mary, Bill’s mom Irene, and my mom, our love for animals.

My first contact with my mom in Heaven was just before my birthday in April. I let her talk to me, and all she said was how deeply deeply sorry she is for how she acted and how much she wants to make it up to me, how much she wants me to forgive her and to be friends with her again. It was such a heartfelt apology, it was so sincere, that at the end of that conversation I relented. I let her buy me a birthday present.

I had seen a skirt and blouse on the web which was not on sale, it was new arrival, and it was expensive and I wanted them. But never would I have bought them for myself.

But she said “let me buy them for you, they will be my birthday present to you.”

“It is such a perfect present” I said.

I came in the house and ordered them. I must have been lying on my outside couch in the sunshine when we had this conversation. And I have been wearing that skirt and blouse, and each time I put them on I do think “it is my mom’s birthday present to me.”

Here is what went on in the second conversation:


We had a second long conversation about two weeks ago. I had just watched Real Housewives of New York City. So much went on in that show which was so interesting, all the dynamics between the women. This conversation with my mom began again with her expressing her deep regret for how she treated me, what a mistake she made, her tremendous desire to be close to me and friends with me now. She really really really wanted a second chance, a relationship.

I was very reluctant to give it to her. I really was thru with her. But she got me over that hump when she said “I know you will give it to me Anne because of your kindness and generosity.” That melted me.

When my mom was in the world she had never acknowledged I had any attributes of any kind. For her entire time in the world the only attribute she ever expressed value about was cleaning my room, she always wanted me to clean my room.

Even when she had already moved to California and I was in Tucson and we were in our horrible last 16 year cycle, she would become very exercised in her email about me cleaning my room.

All her other emails were one very cold abrupt sentence. But when Bill went to California one Christmas to be with his sister, I mentioned I had started to clean my room and she got very excited and involved.

Obviously I don’t believe our time in the world being an end when we leave it, because here I am now starting a new relationship with my mom and she is in Heaven. But if I did believe it the epitaph which I would choose for her would be “she always wanted me to clean my room.” That is where her real values were and so naturally I was always a failure as a daughter and human being in her eyes because I didn’t clean my room.

So I was very touched when she said “you will let me have a second chance because of your kindness and generosity.”

I guess in Heaven my mom is aware of and values other attributes in her daughter.

And after that I melted and we began to converse. We talked a long time about what had happened in the tv show I had just watched. I was dying to talk about it all with someone. My mother told me all her perceptions. That was very interesting. We had a wonderful gossip about it all.

It was the first time I had ever gossiped with my mother. In the world she had zero interest in that kind of thing. We never once talked about anyone. My brother had left his wife a few years ago and moved out and moved into his own apartment. And my mother had not even bothered to tell me.

I found out 3 months later by accident when I was talking to his wife (Betsy). That’s when I found out they separated and I thought she had thrown Jimmy out. I had no idea he had left her.

This is major family gossip! Nothing like this had ever happened in my family! How can my mother not mention it to me! Not even be willing to talk about it with me!

She was very close with my brother’s wife, Betsy, they had beautiful relationship, and they talked about it all the time. I guess my mom was encouraging her.

I guess my mom got thru those 16 years of making war on her daughter by being so close to her son and her daughter-in-law.

I always knew this was going on, but I was into unconditional love for her, I never let anything she did get to me. All I wanted to do and all I did do was to give her constant love.

I never put two and two together. I never realized the cold horrid emails to me were designed to show me how she felt about me, and when she would put in them such loving enthusiastic things about Betsy, expressing her love for Betsy, I never knew that was to dig at me more, she really was a manipulative bitch in every possible way. Altho thank god I never saw it at the time, because all I wanted to do was to give her love. And of course all the love I gave her saved me from everything. Nothing she did to get at me ever penetrated.

My constant unconditional love for her kept me in a cocoon. Plus I always had all the love of the Universe from my Higher Self, so my mother’s lack of love and understanding was more like a gnat flying into my face, she was just an irritant.

And maybe that bothered her, that everything she did to “get me,” didn’t get me, my flow of joyous love to her was never disrupted. She figured out how to get me in the end tho, she disinherited me, she took my share of my dad’s money and gave it to my brother. It was her final act, and by that she succeeded in doing what she had wanted to do for 16 years. She won the fight. And she destroyed our relationship, she made it crystal clear she was breaking up with me.

So you can see why, now that she is in Heaven and she realizes she made a huge mistake, she is not having such an easy time getting me back.

She is in Heaven now, she no longer needs my unconditional love. She has universes upon universes upon universes of unconditional love. She is drenched in love, she is enveloped in love, her life in Heaven is an incredible endless waterfall of love.

The 3rd conversation, how my mother got me back :


Of course I still love my mother, there is no way for me not to, she is my mother. And I am completely happy she has all this love and happiness now. It is everything I always wanted for her. For me it is a happy ending. My mother finally got everything I ever wanted for her and far far more.

But she no longer has her daughter. It never occurred to me I was depriving her of anything because she spent her whole time in the world making it clear she didn’t want me, that I had nothing to offer her. The idea that she wants me now perplexes me.

Because I am willing to let her go. But she has her heart set on getting me back. The last time I talked to her was yesterday afternoon. It was the 3rd time. And I was much rougher with her at the start of the conversation than I had been before. I had been rough with her at start of conversation the time before. I had said “OK you can have a second chance but don’t you pull any of your old shit on me now!” And I would not let her call me Annie at first either, my baby name, my family name. I said “maybe you should call me Mrs Pyne.”

But she persisted in wooing me. And we did spend 5 delightful hours conversing about everything under the sun.

Yesterday was the roughest I ever was at start of the conversation. I was so rough that I was sure there was no way to get over the hump, “What can she possibly do to get me over this hump? It is impossible.”

I had thrown it all in her face, everything she had done. What my friend Teresa calls “unburdening herself.” I had never done that before with anyone ever. I held nothing back. There was a long silence. And I thought “it is impossible, there is nothing she can do to get me back, it is impossible.” Altho I did know in Heaven all things are possible. I just could not see how she would do it.

It’s very interesting how she went about it and it WORKED!

The first thing she did was to divide up two eras.

The long era before she went to war with me— She said “you paint a blacker picture than it was. It wasn’t that I never loved you, our family just had regular ups and downs, we were a normal family. You just went thru what everyone in families goes thru. Your dad gave you so much love, I gave you so little, but it balanced out, it is like this in all families.

“If we had not had that war and I had not disinherited you, if everything had stayed the same, when I went to Heaven you would have chosen to forget the bad and just remembered the good and there was a lot of good.”

And she did go over everything she had given me, all the gifts. How she taught me to read, so I had all that joy of reading her favorite children’s books. How she had taught me to swim so I had all that joy of swimming.

And later when the conversation continued when we were in the swim pool, she pointed out she is the one who found Old Forge. She knew about it because her brother and sister had been counselors in a camp there. So it had been her idea from the time I was 3 months old to spend every summer there and to buy that little cottage.

She said “everyone else came to Old Forge, all Daddy’s sisters and their kids, because our family was already there. And then Daddy told his other school teacher friends and they came too. But I am the one who gave you your beloved Adirondacks.”

After that the fix was in. Because nothing made me happier than my summers in the Adirondacks.

She had started out the whole conversation by saying “I could not have been such a bad mother as you make out because you were such a happy girl. How could you have had such a happy childhood, such a happy early life, if I had been that bad a mother.”

She tried to remind me of some nice times we shared, she took me for ice cream soda at Woolworth’s after we went clothes shopping at Macys. But none of that really worked till she hit on the big bonanza, the Adirondacks. That was a great great great gift she gave me. I loved my summers in the Adirondacks, it was a gift from heaven.

When she began dividing up the two eras, she did admit how horrid she was in the second era. But again she changed the focus, so I could have a different way of seeing it.

She said “all you wanted was for me to be happy during those years after Leon went to Heaven,” and she pointed out how much I had given her.

She said “my big brother too wanted to take care of his baby sister after her husband went to Heaven, he had zero relationship with me my whole life, but Gus knocked himself out those last 16 years to give me everything.” (Gus is her big brother)

“Look how protected I was!” she said, “Gus was giving me everything! you were giving me everything! Jimmy was giving me everything. Every one of my family members was devoting themself to my happiness.”

Her point was basically that I had succeeded in what I had set out to do. If she had not denied herself the joy of loving her daughter for those l6 years, they could have been glorious 16 years. And apparently she was receptive enuf to my love and gifts, that taken in toto with what her brother and son were giving her, she actually did have a nice last 16 years. Her only lacks in it were what she deprived herself from and that I could do nothing about.

But it was nice to find out I had succeeded. The beautiful end to it. Her disinheriting me turned it all into a failure, but I think it really helped when she showed me it had not been failure.

It had been my deepest desire during those last 16 years to bring her happiness. And she did show me all the ways she had been happy, all the ways I had succeeded.

We had been lying in bed having this conversation. A few minutes later Bill said “get your swimsuit, I am taking you to the pool.”

But before we left for the pool she had said “I am your sister, Anne, now you have a sister, you never had a sister before, and I am expert at being a sister.”

It is true. The one my mom always loved best in the world was her big sister.

“I will make it up to you. There is a lot I can do for you. I can buy you lots and lots of treats, I can buy you presents, and I can help you get many of the things you want, I can help you have them.”

And she named some of the things I want and said how “she wants to help me have them and she can.”

We must have reached this point when I got in the car to go to the pool, because she was still saying to me “I am your sister, I love you” in my mind all the way to the pool.

Which she continued to say as I was swimming. And it was a short time after that in the pool that she reminded me the Adirondacks had been her gift to me. And that meant a lot. It sealed it.

When I first arrived at the pool the young lifeguard greeted me so warmly and said “you look pretty.” I realized my conversation with my mom was making me very happy. And it is true I arrived walking on air.

And she said “today is Mother’s Day, when you get back home order that pretty silk blouse you saw and that little summer dress, it is my mother’s day gift to you.” And I did come home and order them .

I have a hunch a real breakthru has happened. I think the next conversation with her we might take off where we left off. That awful hard hump for me to get over seems to be dissolved. It is certainly an incredible thing I am having a beautiful relationship with my mother now... and I can see how it will bring a lot of new joy into my life...

“What a great Mothers Day!” I thought.

the sweetest gift my mother ever gave me was to persevere in getting me back.
I can't tell you how happy it makes me to love my mother again...

The Second Chance

wonderful photos of desert wildflowers taken today by Rusty Storbeck

Saturday May 8 2010 7:33 am

The birds are chirping and singing. This is the spring of the incredible bird whistles, chirps, song. I don’t know when I began to notice it, maybe a month ago.

Every morning I listen to it. It is so alive and joyous. It encourages me so much. No matter what thoughts are floating around in my mind, pestering me like gnats, just at the point when they start getting me down, comes this incredible sound of the birds chirping.

And I switch the attunement of my mind to that sound. Move it away from the pesky thoughts, just tune into that loud whistling birds chirping. And it lifts me up, it stabilizes me. Instead of thinking “I hate my life,” I think “all is right with the world.” Somehow it brings in a good focus, the focus of where I want to be. I guess it brings in flooding happiness in its wake.

Last evening I found a long email from my friend Sue, my best friend from college. It is the first email I have ever gotten from her. She is telling me about her life now. She has left her home to stay with her mom in another town in California to take care of her mom. I guess it has been 6 months. She says “I have only been home twice since I came here, once for a week, and once for 4 and a half days.”

Sue has been a body worker or massage therapist for past 30 years, so she does her body work on her mom all day, and the result is her mom is able to sleep comfortably all night. Her daughter is a big help to her.

I found every word in Sue’s email fascinating and it gave me so much to think about. Because my mom went to Heaven last September I am in a different chapter in my relationship with my mom now. She is in Heaven now and because I can communicate with anyone in Heaven I have had several long conversations with her. She is deeply sorry for how she treated me when she was in the world, and she wants me to forgive her. She wants to make it up to me, she wants to be friends with me now.

I have been willing to listen to her but I have not warmed up to her yet. My attitude is “you never liked me before, you placed zero value on our relationship, and you were perfectly horrid to me for the last 16 years you were in the world, why the sudden change of heart! How come now you want me, and you never wanted me before, when I wanted you with all my heart and turned myself inside out to have friendship and relationship with you!”

Her response to this is to sweet-talk me. She, who never once sweet-talked me when she was in the world, just wants to sweet-talk me now that she is in Heaven.

She says “I know I can count on your kindness and generosity Anne, I want to be friends with you now, and you will let me.”

She is right of course, I will let her.

It is just taking a little time to get over a hump. The hump is there has been no history of her being nice to me, of her liking me, of her being friendly and loving to me. So I simply have no way of seeing her as friendly loving person. If that side of her exists she never showed it to me when she was in the world.

She must have showed it to my father, else how could she have had a loving devoted husband. She must have showed it to her friends, else how could she have loving good friends. She just never showed it to me.

Altho since she has been in Heaven she has been unfailingly nice, kind, loving, patient, understanding with me. She has been the opposite of how she was to me when she was in the world. And maybe when I get enough experience of her this new way, I will see her in this new way.

But so far we have only had 3 long conversations. I will have to give her more chances to be close to me. That is what she wants, to be close to me now. And yes she does have to earn it now, because she rejected it and spurned it and treated it as no value the whole time it was offered to her when she was in the world.

I am not being punitive to be so reluctant to offer it to her now. She just has to demonstrate she is a different person now, she is someone who really wants it now. The ball is really in her court. She can have it but it is up to her, she will have to work for it now.

What is so interesting is getting this email from Sue and then having these thoughts about me and my mom now, because what is going on in Sue’s life now is the last chapter of her mom in the world. And from the world’s point of view that is the last chapter of the book, after that comes finis, the end. But from my point of view, it is only the last chapter of the first saga in book, next chapter is life in Heaven and the relationship continues.

I can’t explain what I mean very well. It’s funny Linda Feldman’s mother went to Heaven when Linda was 35 and I was 30, and Linda’s mom’s last words to her were “do your homework.” And I never knew what she meant but now I do. I know exactly what Ethel was trying to communicate to Linda.

Ethel must have been aware in that last day in the world how life does continue in Heaven, so it is like cramming for a test, you don’t do any work all semester, so then you have to stay up all night and teach yourself the whole course the night before the test.

Ethel knew life continued in Heaven so she wanted to make everything right now, before she left, so nothing would have to be done when she got to Heaven. This is why she told her daughter Linda “start doing your homework now.” So Linda would not have to do all that at the last minute.

My mom did not choose to make anything right before she left. I guess she had no idea life continues. I have a beautiful close relationship with my dad in Heaven, and I would have that with her too, but she screwed up when she was in the world and has to set things straight now.

Altho it’s possible if she had not succeeded in revenging herself on me while she was in the world for the grievances she held against me, that would be even worse. At least she is totally freed of her desire for pay-back. She did pay me back, she disinherited me.

To not be finally free from it would be the absolute worst. For the last 16 years of her time in the world she ruined her own life by doing pay back on her daughter. But she didn’t get it completely out of her system till she disinherited me.

If that is what it took to finally free her from it, it is far better she be free of it. Let the girl have perfect peace now. Altho there is something awful about her last act in the world making it perfectly clear to me she doesn’t love me. No wonder now that she is in Heaven and realizes she made a huge mistake she wants this chance to undo her mistake. And yes I will give her that chance.

So you can understand why from my point of view, getting Sue's email last night and realizing it is her mom’s last year in the world, I see that last year as the chance to take care of any unfinished business, anything she had not made right before, now is the time to make it right. Now is the time to accomplish anything she wants to accomplish. Why arrive in Heaven with any unfinished business!

Annie Get Your Gun

An April desert wild flower (photo by Rusty Storbeck)
Rusty sent me this email along with his photos he took of the wildflowers
Hi Anne, I thought you and Billy would like these since they're all wild desert flora.
The flowers themselves are all smaller than or about the same size as your fingernail.
The colors in the mauve flower are amazing to me.
All the best,
Rusty

I think I know the flower Rusty photo-ed. One bloomed in my own backyard yesterday. I was so excited to see it. It is so lovely in real life. but very very tiny. All you see is a pale mauve. I didn't know it had all these other colors. Rusty's photos are breathtaking

Update to story today April 19, 2010
I wrote this story two years ago. So it is about my life then. I wrote it in the morning, that evening was the first meeting of my Ron Paul Liberty Caucus at Cody's Steak House, I was giggling because the email inviting me said "turn in your gun when you enter the restaurant."
The story tells why I wasn't going to the meeting, Bill was going to the movies with Alice and I didn't want to leave my dog Beanie at home alone.
When Bill got home from the movies he told me about the wonderful basset hound in the movie he saw. it made him so happy.
It was a month after our lovely Lulu had gone to Heaven.
So I wrote in next morning's epilogue I wished I had seen the movie, so I could have joy at seeing a basset hound again, instead of wincing about Lulu
It took a little while for my wish to come true. But it has
one of the pet food commercials on tv now has a basset who looks identical to Lulu, it is Lulu, she is my wonderful Lulu.
It is my favorite thing on all of tv when that commercial comes on, and I watch Lulu follow the man into the house for her food, and be so happy eating her food.
It is the triumph of love.
Just as our desert sun comes out and evaporates all the raindrops, my tremendous love for Lulu has evaporated the tears in my heart, now is all just joyous love.
It is nice to get beautiful mauve wildflowers on email from Rusty the same day I am celebrating my joyous love for Lulu
So here is the story I wrote 2 years ago, it's crazy but ...


Tuesday, July 29, 2008 7:20 am
Annie Get Your Gun

Well this evening, at 6 pm at Cody’s Steak House, is our first meeting of the Liberty Caucus. This means all the Ron Paul PCs plus all the other Ron Paul people, to have our first strategy session. Our goal is liberty and peace. This meeting was planned a month ago and I have been planning all month to go to it. But yesterday evening I realized I can’t go. LOL there is a scheduling conflict.

Bill has been going to movies all year at the dollar theater. And at first, when he loved a movie and wanted to share it with me so he could have someone to talk about it with, I would go with him. He would see it for a second time and take me. And I actually broke out of my routine and went to 4 movies with him that first month. Two of which I loved, one was pleasant but forgettable, and one I found peculiar. And then I never went back to the movies with him.

So when he saw a great movie he thought Jim would love he tried to take Jim to the movies with him.

Jim is Bill’s friend and my angel. During the era of my big emergencies (thank God that era is over!) when my big emergencies came it was Jim who saved me. And he does it with no fanfare. In such a relaxed casual way. He takes it in stride and does it with such grace and so perfectly. And for me they were major emergencies. It’s as if my house were on fire and I called Jim up and said “Jim my house is on fire can you come over and put it out.”

And he says “I’ll be right over, and Anne do you have any maple syrup, I made pancakes for my mom and I am out of maple syrup.”

“Yes” I say “I have delicious maple syrup, I bought it a Trader Joes, it is real maple syrup.”

So then Jim arrives instantly, casually dispatches the fire in 5 minutes, my wonderful angel. Completely unfazed about the nature of my emergency. Takes it all in stride, treats it as perfectly natural.

And then when I am collapsed in relief, wanting to kiss his toes, he has saved me-- as he is getting into his car to go home he reminds me about the maple syrup. I go to the cupboard to hand it to him.

“I will return it in 15 minutes” he tells me.

“Forget about it!” I say. “Keep it! Look what you just did for me, you saved me!” And Jim acts like I have done him the favor, he is so appreciative about the maple syrup. He’s a great friend. I am lucky to have him.

But ever since his mom went to Heaven last year— Jim had been taking care of her, she couldn’t get out of bed, he did everything for her, bathed her, did her hair, cooked delicious food for her—

Jim’s whole life now is the trauma and drama of his car breaking down. For the past months it has broken down in traffic 3 times a week, we received so many SOS calls.

“Can Bill come and pick me up, I am stranded and in midtown traffic. And I’m not going to wait around in this heat for tow truck to come for my car and take it to the garage, the tow truck can find it by itself.”

And then of course Bill had to take Jim to his bank when his car was at the shop. Jim has a credit card with bank that you pay no interest if you pay it by the deadline, but if it is one day late, it is 30 per cent interest. So naturally Jim wanted Bill to take him to the bank before it closed that last day.

I don’t know why Jim’s life has this constant non-stop drama. Even when he finally rented a car (he couldn’t bear it all that time stranded at home) his cigar ash made a hole in the upholstery. And he called Bill to pick him up at the car upholsters shop on 22nd Street, so they could fix it before he turned in the rental car, else Jim would pay a fortune.

For the first time Jim has free time, before that he could not leave his mom at home alone. So when Bill calls up and invites him to the movies, Jim says yes. But he doesn’t take into account how chaotic his life is now.

When evening comes he just wants to plotz on the sofa in front of the tv, smoke his cigars, hang out with his cat, and watch his favorite shows. He completely forgets he told Bill he would go to the movies with him on Tuesday night.

So for a whole year, week after week, Jim would say yes, he will go to movie with Bill on Tuesday when it is a dollar. And it has been a whole year of Bill looking forward to sharing a favorite movie with Jim. Bill is excited about it and plans about it all week, saying how much Jim will love the movie and the parts Jim will like best, and why it is Jim’s type of movie.

But when I call up the evening before, Jim has forgotten all about the movie date and always has a reason why he can't go. I understand so I always made it easy for him to say no.

But last evening when Jim called, I slipped up.

It was because 3 things were happening at once. Jim said “are you going to your Ron Paul meeting at Cody’s Steak House tomorrow?”

I said “Jim, I don’t know what to do. Bill has been trying to get someone to go to the movies with him for a year. I won’t go, I like to stay home and watch TV. You don’t like to go to the movies. And Bill has a date to see a movie with Alice tomorrow.”

Jim instantly said “I love going to the movies.”

I said “O, are you going to see Iron Man with Bill tomorrow?”

Jim had told Bill he wanted to see Iron Man with him on Tuesday. So the plan had been Bill and Jim would see Iron Man at 3 pm. Then he would meet Alice in the lobby right afterward and treat her to The Fall, the art movie Bill saw few nights ago which he loved loved loved.

Jim had already completely forgotten he had said he’d see Iron Man with Bill.

I was so focused on “how can I go to the meeting at Cody’s,” and my huge joy that Alice was actually going to movie with Bill, he was so thrilled about it— that when I remembered about Bill and Jim seeing Iron Man together first, I said “O Jim are you going to Iron Man with him?”

He said “I can’t afford it.”

In the past whatever reason Jim gave, I knew it was cause he didn’t want to go. But I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I said “it is just a dollar and Bill will treat you.”

So Jim had to think of another reason. “But I will want popcorn and the popcorn is expensive.”

By then it clicked into place that Jim just didn’t want to go. Which was fine. Alice had already emailed that it was very sweet of Bill to offer to take her to the movies and she will meet him at 4:45 in the lobby.

Bill was excited out of his mind. He kept saying to me, “it is an art film, and it is far more interesting than Iron Man anyway. And Alice will love it, she is an artist. And she does film for Access TV Tucson, it is right up her alley.”

I was so happy Bill was happy. It had been a year of frustration, trying to find someone to go to the movies with him. He was so cute about it.

“I am going out on a date” he said when I told him Alice emailed back yes she will go.

“I am going out on a date with a girl” he said.

“I have a date with a girlfriend.”

Then because he remembered he was talking to his wife, he said “I have a date with a friend.”

And Alice was actually touched Bill had invited her.

So you can see why when I remembered 10 minutes before Jim called last evening, that it was the same night and the same time as my Liberty Ron Paul meeting at Cody’s restaurant, I knew I would give up my meeting.

Because neither Bill nor I would want to leave Beanie alone for 4 hours in the evening. It is still too soon after Lulu went to Heaven. Beanie is not used to being all alone in the house. It is OK when Bill and I go swimming and shopping in the morning, since Beanie is up all night, that is when he goes under Bill’s bed and has his real sleep.

But I’m not ready yet to leave him alone in the house for a whole evening, when he is so wide awake, and he is used to watching Beverly Hillbillies with me or Andy Griffith, or lying on my toes while I am at the computer.

He is used to being doted on, and having love and companionship. If I went to the meeting by myself and Bill was home, he would just hang out with Bill, sit next to him while Bill did his Sumi drawings at the art table, go in with him while Bill watched a game on TV.

But it will be dark outside. There could be thunder, we are in monsoon season, or fireworks. Both of which scare Beanie, and both of which we get every evening.

Having his big sister Lulu gave him total security, plus companionship. I don’t know how Beanie feels about not having Lulu. And Bill and I never talk about our feelings about it either. I try not to think about it because each time I remember her last days, a big welling hurt arises up from my heart and takes over my mind.

There’s nothing I can do but instantly snuggle into the warm heart of my Higher Self, and allow Her to envelop me with love, and switch my mind to treats, “would I like a soda? would I like a chocolate bar?”

It doesn’t do me any good to dwell on my feelings. I can only hope time will work its magic, all wounds heal with time.

And I secretly wonder now if all our doting on Beanie now, both Bill and me doting on him, is one of the ways we are healing ourselves about Lulu. There is something about giving love which is very healing.

It does seem the more love we give Beanie, and we have been giving him constant undivided love, that in fact Bill and I have been very happy during this month after losing Lulu. We have both managed to stay high and happy.

Altho I bet Bill too has that same stabbing hurt I do when he remembers, and like me, tries to work himself out of it as fast as he can. I don’t know? We don’t confide this at all to each other. Amazingly and miraculously, all we are bringing to each other is our happiness, and of course our shared love for Beanie.

We never mention Lulu’s name yet. No matter what topic we talk about, somehow it begins and ends with Beanie, Beanie always gets in there. It helps our heart, expressing our shared love for Beanie.

So you can see why, when I realized 10 minutes before Jim called last evening, that the meeting was same time Bill and Alice are going to the movies, I knew I wouldn’t go to the meeting. I wouldn’t leave Beanie alone for 4 hours. I wasn’t 100 percent decided when Jim called, I might have still been trying to strategize in my mind how to work it out.

Jim is very serious about me showing up at all the Ron Paul meetings, because I became a PC (Precinct Committeeman) because of him. He changed his voter registration so he could sign my petition to run for PC, and vote for me. And he helped me get the signatures. And when I was thinking of not showing up that Saturday morning for first meeting of PCs in my District, Jim said “you have to go, that is why we elected you into Office.”

Jim doesn’t fully understand that only people in my District will have my name on the ballot in the Primary on September 2nd. And he has been campaigning for me at the Racquet Club, telling everyone to vote for me. He calls me up with glee and says “Sally says she will vote for you,” and wants to hear what I am doing about my campaign.

We had had a long talk on phone when I first got the notice about the strategy meeting at Cody’s Steak House on July 29th.

Jim said “I know Cody’s, it’s by the Club, on the other side of Country Club Road on Fort Lowell Drive.”

I said “The email notice says because Cody serves alcohol, I will not be able to bring my gun into the restaurant.”

I found this such a riot. That the email notice which went out to all the Ron Paul people warned us we will have to hand in our guns before we enter the restaurant.

“LOL” I said, “I don’t have a gun, I have never even seen a gun. I have never even handled a gun. It would be such a trip for me to hand in my gun before I can set foot in the restaurant.”

“You can borrow mine,” Jim said helpfully.

“Well, maybe” I said. “I guess it would be an experience for me to hand in my gun.”

He said “But it is fully loaded and on fast action trigger. Be very careful. If you so much as breathe on it, it will go off.”

I said “I’m not borrowing your gun. It’s not worth it. I don’t want to accidentally shoot it just cause I handle it wrong.”

“I’ll drive you to the meeting” Jim said. “I’ll just go to the Club for swim and steam bath, since it is around the corner.”

“I’ll only stay for an hour, you can take me home then.”

“No!” he said, “we did all this to get you elected, you have to stay for the whole meeting, it is an important meeting.”

“OK” I said, “then I’ll call Bill and have him take me home.”

So these were the plans Jim and I made on the phone 3 weeks ago about the meeting. Bill didn’t even know about the meeting. I don’t think Bill is vitally interested in me being part of the Ron Paul Liberty Caucus in Tucson and PC in my district. But Jim is.

In fact Jim still thinks we will succeed in getting Ron Paul on the ballot for President. “I won‘t vote at all” he told me “unless you succeed in getting Ron Paul on the ballot.”

Ron Paul actually withdrew few weeks ago, but I don’t have the heart to tell Jim, since he thinks that is one of the things I will accomplish, making Ron Paul our President.

And I certainly can understand why Jim is so gung-ho and determined that I show up at every possible meeting. He thinks it is all about making Ron Paul our President, and I would be too if it was about that.

But Ron Paul is no longer a candidate, altho I didn’t have the heart to tell Jim that. It was too dear to me to see that hope alive in Jim’s mind, it meant too much to me. There was a time when I believed heart and soul Ron Paul would be our President. And I still remember how glorious that was for me, to live in that hope and expectation. If Jim still has it, I won’t dash it.

So you can understand how peculiar my phone call with Jim was last evening. He called because his friend had given him a whole bunch of Mexican shrimp cocktail and he was offering some to me and Bill, he said it is too much for him to eat. It is Jim’s favorite food in the whole world, he used to drive to Mexico to order it. It is very inexpensive in the restaurant down there and they give you a lot.

I was very grateful Jim wanted to share some with us, and said he would bring it over tomorrow morning. “It sounds delicious, Jim” I said, “thank you.”

From that we got into the movies.

I said “Bill and Alice are going to the movies together tomorrow. It is an art film. Bill is so happy.”

“I know” Jim said, “Alice told me at the club.”

“I’m not going” I said, “I don’t like going to the movies.”

“Alice thinks you are going to the movie too, she thinks it is Bill and you and her.”

I had no idea Alice thought I was going. In my email to Alice I said “Bill invited both of us, but I like to watch movies on tv at home with Beanie, and does Alice want to go.”

I said to Jim, “I had completely forgotten that tomorrow night is the night of the meeting at Cody’s Steak House at 6 pm. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave the dog alone.”

“That’s OK dogs don’t mind being left alone, I'll drive you to the meeting.”

“OK” I said, “then I’ll call Bill and he can pick me up.”

And then we went back to talking about the shrimp cocktail and how Jim will bring it over this morning. And I thought what a great gift that is! And I thanked Jim for it with all my heart.

I wanted to tell Bill that Jim is not going to see Iron Man with him so he shouldn’t plan on that, and also about the shrimp cocktail, but he was outside reading. It had finally turned cool enough to be outside.

And then I took Beanie in for Beverly Hillbillies. But first I asked my Higher Self what I should do about tomorrow.

And She said “You can’t go to the meeting, Bill will not want Beanie left alone for 4 hours at night, and I don’t want him to give up the movie with Alice, his happiness matters. This is just the first strategy meeting, there will be many more. It is OK to miss the first meeting, you can go to all the others. Just make sure next time you keep in mind what day it is, so you don’t make this mistake again.”

That conversation was helpful. Because before it I kept trying to figure out ways to work it out. How the movie date could happen, I could go to meeting, and cut down on time Beanie will be left alone. But it was so crystal clear what my Higher Self said: “No meeting! there will be many more! you stay home with Beanie!”

So when Bill came inside I told him all of it. “Jim won’t go to Iron Man, he says the popcorn is too expensive, and tomorrow is my meeting but I’m not going, I don’t want to leave Beanie alone, I will go to all the other meetings. And Jim is bringing us delicious Mexican shrimp cocktail. His friend gave it to him and there is too much.”

So Bill said “Fine!” He was happy about everything.

He said “if Jim doesn’t want to go to Iron Man then I will go to Kit Kittredge, An American Girl before I meet Alice for the art movie. I never saw that movie, so I will get to see a movie I never saw, which will be fun for me. I just hope it doesn’t make me sad. ”

So that is all our plans for today. And why I won’t have to turn in my gun at the meeting of the Ron Paul Liberty Caucus first strategy session at Cody’s Steak House on Fort Lowell and Country Club road this evening at 6 pm.

Epilogue, the next day

Bill said Alice loved the movie. It was filmed all over the world, and Alice had lived in all those places. Part was filmed in Turkey and Alice had lived in Turkey.

And Bill loved Kit Kittredge, An American Girl. And it sounds like a movie I would love too. A girl living in Cincinnati during the Depression, and she wants to be a reporter.

There is a big fat basset hound with a sign in front of her, “I am hungry. Please adopt me. My family can’t afford to feed me anymore. I need a home.”

And it is the fattest basset hound in world, she looks like she never missed a meal, like she has 10 meals a day.

And Kit adopts her. In fact movie ends, the happy ending, the last frame is Kit with her wonderful (fat) basset hound.

Now I understand why Bill was afraid to see the movie, afraid it would make him sad. Our Lulu is basset hound. We can’t even think about basset hounds now without stab of hurt.

But I guess the basset hound in this movie did a miracle for Bill. Each time we would think “what would be the best second dog for Beanie?” my Higher Self would suggest another basset. I was willing to overcome my feelings, because I simply do whatever my Higher Self said.

But I sure understood it when Bill said “no.”

“Because of Lulu?” I whispered.

“Yes” he said.

But after this movie he came home and said, “the perfect dog for Beanie is a basset hound. I watched her fat happy face all thru the movie. A basset is so gentle and docile, she won’t care that Beanie bosses her around. She will just be so happy to be fed all her treats.”

Maybe I should go see this movie too. It would help me also to be able to see a basset hound without wincing. To just be happy loving the wonderful basset. To remember the sublime joy bassets bring.

LOL Bill said ‘Kit Kittredge’ is a children’s movie, he sat in a movie theater filled with parents taking their children to it. I guess Kit is a young girl, still living with her family.

LOL breaking news update 8 PM evening April 19 2010 Jim just called. Tomorrow is Tuesday. He is going to see "Wolfman" with Bill tomorrowl. The era of miracles has started!

Chit-chatting with my Higher Self

some of the true rugged beauty of the desert (photo by Rusty Storbeck)
I love this photo by Rusty


March 18, 2010

My own experience of life is that time can cause me to forget my feelings. But time is not sufficient for me to change them. Underneath-- the original perception which caused all the feelings, has not changed.

What brings true healing is when I bring it all to my Higher Self, who gives me a totally different way to interpret everything which happened. Then my perception changes, and the new perception brings me peace.

Time, just by itself is like a scab which grows over where a thorn had gone in. What my Higher Self does is gently peel back the scab and remove the thorn.

Sweet and instant perfect healing takes place.

It goes beyond that even, because it is heaven to be perfectly understood. By the time it is over I could care less what I thought had been done to me. I am just lost in the joy of divine understanding.

I find it so interesting to be perfectly understood. And it helps me understand myself.

I realize now that before I had my Higher Self I did not understand one single thing about myself. LOL I was unfathomable to myself.

And sometimes it cracks me up what my Higher Self says. There is nothing funnier than to laugh at myself.

One long hot summer afternoon soon after we moved to Tucson, Bill was at art school, I was trapped in the house by the heat. I had no friends, I was not on email or computer. No one called on the phone. I didn’t have cable TV, there was nothing to watch. I was bored to tears.

So I would just lie on my bed and chit-chat with my Higher Self. I would remember things from my past which had upset me and bring them to her. And one afternoon I asked her about Tony and Muffin.

Tony had been a boyfriend I had when I was nineteen, I had a big crush on him, and he was my first lover. Then he met my new roommate Muffin and went somewhere with her and never came back.

I moved back home the next day and never saw either of them again.

Although two years later when I first began living with Alan in the East Village, he told me he had bumped into Muffin and Tony in the street and they are living in a loft in SoHo. So I guess they stayed a couple forever.

I said to my Higher Self “I will never forgive Tony for jilting me for Muffin.”

I was still mad about it all these years later even tho I had forgotten about it.

But my Higher Self had whole different take on it.

“You and Tony did favors for each other,” she said.

“What favor did Tony do for me?” I asked.

“He introduced you to sex,” she said.

“What favor did I do for Tony?”

“You introduced him to Muffin," she said.

And I laughed for twenty minutes. It tickled my funny bone so much. It changed forever how I saw it all. Now I saw it the way my Higher Self did.

That’s when I discovered how much fun it can be to bring things to my Higher Self to get her take on it.

It was so much fun to laugh at myself.

For sure it is the funniest thing anyone ever said to me and what makes it even funnier is everything my Higher Self said is true.

Is it possible the truth is by definition a riot? Or is it just that we humans are a riot as we plotz along in life from one scraped knee to another.

“Show me your booboo” our Higher Self says “and I will kiss it and make it better.”

And so we bring our scraped knee to her.

It doesn’t always lead to me laughing uproariously on my bed. But it does always lead to quiet happy peace.

LOL it cannot be denied our Higher Self is a trip!!!

Awake Before Dawn

who'd a thunk tumbleweed is so pretty and colorful
photos of tumbleweed on desert by Rusty Storbeck
I wrote the below little story at 4:44 am (back in May 2008)
and an hour later I sent it on email to Eddie, Helen's big brother
with the below little note
Eddie, like my husband Bill, does not have a New Age bone in his body
but who cares! I adore Eddie, both Ed and Bill are such sweethearts

even tho Eddie does not buy into the New Age one iota, his emails back to me always make me laugh and make me happy

Below story is Eddie's email back to me after reading it

Hi Eddie
This tiny story is about an off-kilter moment in time, written when I was off-kilter. and is an off-kilter story.
I got up and wrote it at 4 am this morning, simply because it was too uncomfortable just lying in bed.
Love and kisses, Annie

4:33 AM May 7,2008
Awake Before Dawn

It is still pitch dark out there. I guess I woke up two hours before dawn. When I woke up I thought it was the middle of the night and I planned to go back to sleep.

Obviously a new galactic energy packet must have arrived the evening before last. Because suddenly out of nowhere I was very thirsty, then very hot, then I wanted to collapse on the bed.

I don’t remember what happened after that. I must have fallen asleep and woke up in middle of night very uncomfortable. And finally drank hot milky fresh coffee, buttered toast, and watched a movie on tv. And relaxed and fell back asleep.

But yesterday I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t go swimming. I did not set one foot out of the house, except into my back yard. Altho I felt fine when I sat down at computer and began to work. The concentration of editing my story I wrote on Friday, seemed to help me. I like doing all that work.

Then in the late afternoon the weather changed to totally stormy. I could not believe it when I went into my backyard and looked up at that stormy sky. And all the cold air it brought in with it. I watched tv in the evening and then fell out as I was waiting for a show to come on. When I awoke in middle of night, I realized I had missed the show.

In the evening I answered the emails I had found in the morning when I woke up. They had been written the night before. And Nancy Cantor said about returning home bone-tired in the evening, and Jan had said almost the same thing. And when Jim had called me in the afternoon, I said “I didn’t go swimming today, I decided to stay home.” And he said “me too, I am tired today.”

And suddenly I put it all together, and realized a new energy packet had arrived on our planet, else why were we all plotzing!

And so this morning I opened up the email I had gotten from a girl who channels Divine Mother. I had requested to be on her email list and to read her newsletter.

“I think I’ll read it,” I thought, “something must be going on.”

And sure enough Divine Mother said “this is a very intense time on your planet, but be assured all is well, this is the moment you were born for.”

Which I found very reassuring to read. It is very encouraging, when your mind feels too intense and your body is plotzing, to read “this is the moment you were born for.”

What would we do without the New Age! There is too much discomfort to keep lying in bed. Either I am coughing or gagging, or want to throw up. I am a girl who really needs to hear “this is the moment you were born for.” Otherwise I would think “I am a mess.”

It is a few minutes before 5 am. And the first light has come into the sky. And I don’t think the morning doves went to sleep at all. I hear them calling loudly now, but I heard them calling as soon as I woke up.

Hahaha, maybe they too are having the moment they were born for. They were too uncomfortable in their nest to fall back asleep.

instant I finished writing this, I emailed it to Eddie, who instantly emailed me back this, I loved his email
me too.
tossed&turned last night.
new age?
or 2 much to drink & eat
at jamaica jews birthday
celebration for israel.
yeah,
i think it is the latter.
but either/or
i tossed & turned.
x
eddie

A New Way to Think

Chamisa, a desert shrub, photo by Rusty Storbeck
I wonder if Chamisa is same as Desert Broom, which is all over my yard
Tuesday December 30 2008 9:06 morning
I try to keep my mind off it

What strange dreams I had before I woke up. A man I was going to kiss didn't want to kiss me. I kept putting my face and lips up ready to be kissed but his lips never met mine. I did it 3 times and then realized he didn't want to.

In another dream, there were children trying to sneak into a movie theater. I took the little boy in but wondered if I should bring him to a childrens section, I remembered children like to talk during movies.

Also I wondered if his tiny little sister will find him. "She will" he kept saying "and this is fine."

I tried to find him a good seat, I didn't know where he wanted to sit. The movie theater was huge, one of those old fashioned kinds I went to as kid.

In another dream I was at hotel resort, and I noticed a school bus was there.

"Of course" I said to the person I was with, "it is the end of school year, it is May, they bring children on outings."

"It is not May" the person said, "it is March, it is middle of school year."

All the dreams were like this. There were many many dreams. It was one crummy dream after another. Either I was wrong or everything went wrong, nothing went right.

The mind is certainly creative tho. It was like someone set the dial to "and now let's have lousy dreams," and a cornucopia of lousy dreams came forth. So many variations on the theme. It was effortless, all the different plots with same theme.

I don't know why I was sent such crummy dreams. Yesterday morning Frank, the mechanic, called with the horrible news about the car repair bill.

"You need a new clutch" Frank said, “it is $900."

I said "but you just put in a brand new clutch 2 years ago today, it was $900 then, it is not logical I need a new one so fast, the old one lasted for 16 years."

"OK" Frank said, "I'll look deeper, maybe I can find the problem."

And I said "thank you."

And while I was in the swimming pool right afterward (Bill took me to Jerry's pool, so we had full benefit of the flawless beautiful blue sky and glorious brilliant sunshine) and of course when my swim started, I was having conversation after conversation with Frank in my mind.

I really didn't want to pay that $900 again so soon. I was distressed about it in my mind. But then very shortly into this, on the 3rd lap, I made a very unusual decision for myself.

I decided I would not think about it. I wanted to be happy and to have my peace and I did not want my mind bothered with it.

I actually did not see any good it would do me to have my mind bothered about it. (For first time in my life I actually saw how worrying does not accomplish anything, it does not bring you what you want, it just gets you hot and bothered.)

I had told Frank what I wanted, I wanted him to fix it. And on the car ride over to pool, I told the Universe what I wanted, I wanted him to fix it perfectly and do it for free (I didn't mention that to Frank).

And after my 3rd lap I decided to just turn it over to God. "Let go, and let God" I said to myself. I wanted to take my mind off it. At first I thought it was impossible for me to do that, there was no way I could do it.

But to my surprise-- I said to myself "Let go and let God" for nearly my whole swim-- and the result is I did not think about it my whole swim, and I did not think about it my whole day.

Occasionally, maybe 20 times, but not more, it crept back into my mind during a tv commercial, but I said "Let go and let God" and it went right out again. It was a grand experiment for me.

I knew whatever outcome happened and the outcome is in the future, right now this very minute, in my now, it was up to me to decide where my mind would be.

And I decided it was worth the effort to try to keep it out of my mind, because I thought if I can accomplish this now, then I can do it with other things, it means I won't always have a distressed mind when things go wrong, or when there is a possible outcome I won't like.

In a way I saw the whole thing in a new light. I thought "if it hadn't been the truck which plotzed, it would have been something else." That somehow I am meant to have this learning experience now, to have this challenge, this problem to solve, because if I can do it, it will be liberating for me.

My old habit, of just worrying about something until the outcome is decided, altho that had seemed the only way before, now it did not seem the only way. I wanted to try this alternative way. Not to think about it at all, be happy, until the outcome arrives and then deal with it whatever it is.

I wondered where it came from, the idea to worry at something the whole time. And I remembered in one of the Letters from God, God called it a "fascination". He said "it's as if you have a sore tooth, your tongue will always go there, it fascinates you."

And I wondered if that was the pull to worry and have all these imaginary conversations and fights, it fascinated me.

But I didn't want to be in the fascination. I realized I could see it so clearly, two opposite roads ahead of me. I could have my own happy life back, be as happy as if the outcome had gone my way; or I could have fascination, get all worked up in my imaginary conversations with Frank. I started to have 3 of them while I watched tv and I noticed how instantly they got me all worked up, and I did not want to be all worked up.

So we will see what happens. At least I am more interested right at this instant in this adventure, of what it is like and will be like to put it all out of my mind.

I find it more interesting and suspenseful than the outcome about the repair bill. It is really interesting and suspenseful for me because I have never done this before, and never thought I could, not even thought of doing this.

It is an alternative which never came into my mind before, and so far I like it. I had a really nice day yesterday, I did not let it ruin my day. And who knows, I may have an even nicer day today? I don't know?

Sure I can say "waking up after all crummy dreams where everything goes wrong, does not bode well for having a wonderful day."

But I am beginning to realize I don't know anything. I might have had all those crummy dreams in a row, because each time during yesterday, when a thought of what could go wrong for me in the car repair bill outcome, I chased it out of my mind.

And maybe when something is nipped in the bud like that, and I did nip them all in the bud, then when you go to sleep they finish their flowering, a hundred dreams of things going wrong. But so what! Maybe this is how it gets out of my system.

Yes of course I have to be vigilant, I see that. If I let down my guard for one instant, if I let myself just relax and let my mind wander, I will go back to the fascination.

But so what! The first time for anything takes a lot of effort, it is not a habit, the habit is the other way, and it is natural I would fall into an old habit before a new habit is developed. But at least I am trying to develop a new habit, to change an old way.

Do you know there are big fat quail in my yard right now, with that red helmet and top plume coming out. I guess that huge bag of dietetic dry dog food, that Jack, my neighbor next door (Caren's brother), gave us because his dog, Sweet Pea, wouldn't eat it.

"But we don't want it" I said to Bill when he brought it into the house.

"I didn't want to hurt his feelings" Bill said.

It sat in our living room so long, but few days before Christmas I poured it into my yard and the birds are crazy about it. There are 5 huge big wonderful big fat quail in a row, all lined up, eating it now, and now a 6th one arrived. This is a wonderful happy miracle. I am crazy about quail.