I wonder if Chamisa is same as Desert Broom, which is all over my yard
Tuesday December 30 2008 9:06 morning
I try to keep my mind off it
What strange dreams I had before I woke up. A man I was going to kiss didn't want to kiss me. I kept putting my face and lips up ready to be kissed but his lips never met mine. I did it 3 times and then realized he didn't want to.
In another dream, there were children trying to sneak into a movie theater. I took the little boy in but wondered if I should bring him to a childrens section, I remembered children like to talk during movies.
Also I wondered if his tiny little sister will find him. "She will" he kept saying "and this is fine."
I tried to find him a good seat, I didn't know where he wanted to sit. The movie theater was huge, one of those old fashioned kinds I went to as kid.
In another dream I was at hotel resort, and I noticed a school bus was there.
"Of course" I said to the person I was with, "it is the end of school year, it is May, they bring children on outings."
"It is not May" the person said, "it is March, it is middle of school year."
All the dreams were like this. There were many many dreams. It was one crummy dream after another. Either I was wrong or everything went wrong, nothing went right.
The mind is certainly creative tho. It was like someone set the dial to "and now let's have lousy dreams," and a cornucopia of lousy dreams came forth. So many variations on the theme. It was effortless, all the different plots with same theme.
I don't know why I was sent such crummy dreams. Yesterday morning Frank, the mechanic, called with the horrible news about the car repair bill.
"You need a new clutch" Frank said, “it is $900."
I said "but you just put in a brand new clutch 2 years ago today, it was $900 then, it is not logical I need a new one so fast, the old one lasted for 16 years."
"OK" Frank said, "I'll look deeper, maybe I can find the problem."
And I said "thank you."
And while I was in the swimming pool right afterward (Bill took me to Jerry's pool, so we had full benefit of the flawless beautiful blue sky and glorious brilliant sunshine) and of course when my swim started, I was having conversation after conversation with Frank in my mind.
I really didn't want to pay that $900 again so soon. I was distressed about it in my mind. But then very shortly into this, on the 3rd lap, I made a very unusual decision for myself.
I decided I would not think about it. I wanted to be happy and to have my peace and I did not want my mind bothered with it.
I actually did not see any good it would do me to have my mind bothered about it. (For first time in my life I actually saw how worrying does not accomplish anything, it does not bring you what you want, it just gets you hot and bothered.)
I had told Frank what I wanted, I wanted him to fix it. And on the car ride over to pool, I told the Universe what I wanted, I wanted him to fix it perfectly and do it for free (I didn't mention that to Frank).
And after my 3rd lap I decided to just turn it over to God. "Let go, and let God" I said to myself. I wanted to take my mind off it. At first I thought it was impossible for me to do that, there was no way I could do it.
But to my surprise-- I said to myself "Let go and let God" for nearly my whole swim-- and the result is I did not think about it my whole swim, and I did not think about it my whole day.
Occasionally, maybe 20 times, but not more, it crept back into my mind during a tv commercial, but I said "Let go and let God" and it went right out again. It was a grand experiment for me.
I knew whatever outcome happened and the outcome is in the future, right now this very minute, in my now, it was up to me to decide where my mind would be.
And I decided it was worth the effort to try to keep it out of my mind, because I thought if I can accomplish this now, then I can do it with other things, it means I won't always have a distressed mind when things go wrong, or when there is a possible outcome I won't like.
In a way I saw the whole thing in a new light. I thought "if it hadn't been the truck which plotzed, it would have been something else." That somehow I am meant to have this learning experience now, to have this challenge, this problem to solve, because if I can do it, it will be liberating for me.
My old habit, of just worrying about something until the outcome is decided, altho that had seemed the only way before, now it did not seem the only way. I wanted to try this alternative way. Not to think about it at all, be happy, until the outcome arrives and then deal with it whatever it is.
I wondered where it came from, the idea to worry at something the whole time. And I remembered in one of the Letters from God, God called it a "fascination". He said "it's as if you have a sore tooth, your tongue will always go there, it fascinates you."
And I wondered if that was the pull to worry and have all these imaginary conversations and fights, it fascinated me.
But I didn't want to be in the fascination. I realized I could see it so clearly, two opposite roads ahead of me. I could have my own happy life back, be as happy as if the outcome had gone my way; or I could have fascination, get all worked up in my imaginary conversations with Frank. I started to have 3 of them while I watched tv and I noticed how instantly they got me all worked up, and I did not want to be all worked up.
So we will see what happens. At least I am more interested right at this instant in this adventure, of what it is like and will be like to put it all out of my mind.
I find it more interesting and suspenseful than the outcome about the repair bill. It is really interesting and suspenseful for me because I have never done this before, and never thought I could, not even thought of doing this.
It is an alternative which never came into my mind before, and so far I like it. I had a really nice day yesterday, I did not let it ruin my day. And who knows, I may have an even nicer day today? I don't know?
Sure I can say "waking up after all crummy dreams where everything goes wrong, does not bode well for having a wonderful day."
But I am beginning to realize I don't know anything. I might have had all those crummy dreams in a row, because each time during yesterday, when a thought of what could go wrong for me in the car repair bill outcome, I chased it out of my mind.
And maybe when something is nipped in the bud like that, and I did nip them all in the bud, then when you go to sleep they finish their flowering, a hundred dreams of things going wrong. But so what! Maybe this is how it gets out of my system.
Yes of course I have to be vigilant, I see that. If I let down my guard for one instant, if I let myself just relax and let my mind wander, I will go back to the fascination.
But so what! The first time for anything takes a lot of effort, it is not a habit, the habit is the other way, and it is natural I would fall into an old habit before a new habit is developed. But at least I am trying to develop a new habit, to change an old way.
Do you know there are big fat quail in my yard right now, with that red helmet and top plume coming out. I guess that huge bag of dietetic dry dog food, that Jack, my neighbor next door (Caren's brother), gave us because his dog, Sweet Pea, wouldn't eat it.
"But we don't want it" I said to Bill when he brought it into the house.
"I didn't want to hurt his feelings" Bill said.
It sat in our living room so long, but few days before Christmas I poured it into my yard and the birds are crazy about it. There are 5 huge big wonderful big fat quail in a row, all lined up, eating it now, and now a 6th one arrived. This is a wonderful happy miracle. I am crazy about quail.
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