Annie and her mom

First Plein Air of Season by Margot Rose

10/11/07 Thursday 7 am

Communicated from my Higher Self

“Her mom”

Here you sit looking out, wondering what is?

When Marilyn sent Annie that lovely email saying her favorite room in the house is the kitchen and why, Annie sent it on to her mom. Who sat down and wrote email about which is her favorite room in her apartment and why. She said it is her bedroom. She loves the view from her window, watching all the birds, and the computer is here and she loves her computer, being connected to the world. And Annie sat down and wrote back to her mom, that for her too, her bedroom is her favorite room, even tho her computer is in another room.

This morning when she had her coffee and roll and butter standing at kitchen counter, standing up because there is no place to sit in her kitchen, she thought about the tiny table and chairs which were in her kitchen in her old East Village tenement and how much time she spent at that table, and how the kitchen was her favorite room in that apt. or where she spent most of her time.

And she remembered her mom had put in a shelf, an eat-in shelf, in her Pullman kitchen back in Electchester where Annie grew up, it was the size of a small table. And her mom used to write to her how much she liked sitting there in the morning, before work, having her coffee, looking out the window and watching the sun rise, and the beautiful sunshine coming in. And Annie thought to herself “I bet back in New York the kitchen was her favorite room, just as it was my favorite room, and it is only since we moved out West that our bedroom is our favorite room, but Marilyn back in NYC, the kitchen is still her favorite room.”

And it made her wonder if there is something about New York which makes the kitchen your favorite room, and something about out West which makes the bedroom your favorite room. And also she noticed she and her mom have this in common.

One interesting subtle thing about this shift, is that she has started to notice how much she has in common with her mother. When the shift first started two and a half weeks ago, suddenly in the swim pool, out of nowhere, she had a lot of emotions about her mother and her brother. She got so upset she started to cry, and then wanted to come home so she could go over everything with me. She felt so pushed away by both of them, by each of them. The two of them are very close now that her mom has moved out there, and especially close now that Dan has left his wife. They provide huge help to each other. But Annie felt the closer and closer they got, the less and less anyone was interested in being close to her. Her emotions were simmering about this for long time, and finally two weeks ago they boiled over in swimming pool, she felt hurt.

And then maybe when she got home she forgot about it, she got involved in other things. But later that day, in the evening, when she was lying on her bed reading a mystery, suddenly she began to talk to her dad in spirit, Leon has been in Heaven for 8 years now. Annie had become so furious at her brother, so furious at being ignored by him, and she was mad at her mom too, she thought her mom was acting coldly towards her. But the first thing Leon said, when they contacted each other in spirit, is “Danny is a sweet kid, just as sweet as you, he is a good guy, just as good as you.”

This was a tremendous relief to hear, because it is how Annie always saw him. It was only in the past month that she had started to see him differently. The ignoring had started to add up. It was one of those cases where she had overlooked the ignoring for a long time, and then suddenly she started to notice it, then her feelings got involved, so she looked for it. And there did seem to be a lot. And then she got mad.

But Leon said right off the bat “he is as good as gold, he is a good kid, just as good as you Annie.” And she relaxed. Being upset with her brother really really really had upset her. She is a big sister. And altho her utterly immense unalloyed love she always had for him, took a few hits when she moved to Tucson, there were some bumps in their relationship, underneath nothing had changed.

She no longer let herself dote on him, or to bring the awareness of her love for him fully into her mind, because she had such a tough time letting the attachment go. But underneath the attachment is all the love, just as it ever was. Which is why she became so thoroughly upset, when she became upset with her brother. And thoroughly upset when she became upset with her mother. And thoroughly, thoroughly upset when she became upset with both of them at the pool at the same time, two weeks ago.

So the first thing her dad did was to reassure her her brother is good as gold, she is not mistaken about that. And then he explained that Marion and Danny really need each other now. Marion needs all the help Danny gives. That Marion has no one now. Her big brother went to Heaven few months ago. She has no family. She had been so close to Shirley and Marty, Bonnie’s parents (Bonnie is Danny’s wife). But Shirley went to Heaven last year, Marty has a new girlfriend, and the closeness with Bonnie is strained, because Danny left Bonnie and Bonnie is hurt about it. 3 years ago Marion could show up with her big brother to Thanksgiving at Danny’s house, and there would be Marty and Shirley and Bonnie, and Scott, Danny and Bonnie’s son. And Marion could have the joy of being in bosom of family.

Family gatherings are Marion's favorite thing in whole world. She loves family. She left New York City and moved to Berkeley so she could have family. She gave up her job, which she loved, her neighbors, who she loved, her friends who she loved. Everything. Because she wanted family so badly. After Leon went to Heaven, she could not stand having no family in New York, being at the other end of the telephone when they all called from the family get-together at Thanksgiving in Danny’s house in Berkeley.

And her big brother moving 5 years ago from Rochester to across the hall from her, was a huge bonus. Now she had someone to go to family gatherings with, she and her brother went together. And Marion had never had a brother. He is 9 years older than her, he had no use for such a little sister. Now suddenly out in Berkeley, she had the huge joy of having a brother.

The loss of her brother a few months ago was cushioned because the bloom had been off the rose for the previous year, and for the past 6 months they had been fighting, they weren’t speaking to each other.

But the fact remains, that at almost the same point that Gus, Marion’s big brother went to Heaven, is the point where Annie first began to notice how pushed away she was, by both Danny and Marion. And what Leon explained to her in spirit two weeks ago, is that Danny and Marion really need each other now, they offer each other tremendous help and companionship.

“Darling,” he explained, “they need each other so much, they help each other so much. And darling you don’t need them. They need each other but you don’t need them at all. For you being close to them would just be the icing on the cake, but for them it is the whole cake. They really need each other and help each other. It is a beautiful thing they have each other, it is a great thing.”

And because Annie loves both of them so much, she saw it all in a new way. She was immensely happy they had each other when they needed each other most. “Danny needs Marion’s money,” Leon explained, “and Marion needs all of Danny’s help. It is a mutual relationship, immensely beneficial to both sides.”

And that solved it all. All the simmering which had been going on for whole past year, sometimes high, sometimes low, but which had finally boiled over in pool two weeks ago, was over. She was at peace. She was able to simply take them both into her heart. Not that they had ever really been out of her heart, but thinking they were had upset Annie no end. She was now completely at peace in her relationship with both of them.

And it is that new peace which has let her see her mother thru peaceful eyes these past two weeks. And really to tell the truth, she had never seen her mom thru completely peaceful eyes ever before. Which means she had never seen her mother before. What she always saw before was a figment of her imagination. Suddenly the figment of her imagination evaporated, and behind it, what had been obscured by it, is Marion, her mom. And what she has been noticing, in myriad of tiny little ways, is how much they have in common. Which always comes as delightful surprise to Annie. Because she always thought she never had one thing in common with her mother. She thought her dad was the one she had so much in common with.

Basically finally, she is having the chance to get to know her mother, because she is seeing her all differently. Projection is out of the picture. And she can see her mom. And she is finding this very interesting... and a brand new experience.