Preface
Well I just read the story. I wrote it yesterday. I had no problem writing it, but when it came to fixing all the typos (in the afternoon) LOL I didn't have the courage to face the story. I don't know why it didn't take any courage to write it, but to read it after I wrote it, took courage.
I wanted to run away, rather than sit down and look at it to fix the typos. And I thought "how would I get the courage to show this to anyone." I thought maybe I would just hide it away. But I did force myself to fix all the typos yesterday and this morning when I woke up I read the story.
I have a different attitude now that I slept on it. While the events were actually happening, I was so keyed-up and so concentrated on listening to my Higher Self, and doing and saying exactly what she said, and not doing anything or saying anything she didn't have me say or do, that I wasn't really aware of anything else at all.
And even when I told parts of the story to friends, or even wrote a tiny bit about it, I was still in a state of stunned amazement that this happened.
It is so opposite of what the world says I should have acted in these situations. It was only when I had to face it yesterday afternoon to fix the typos, and saw it all in black and white, that I saw how bizarrely I had acted, and no wonder I had upset my mother so much.
And it really did seem to me I had acted like a monster. It was so hard for me to see why I had been "good."
I guess this is why in the evening, I went back and added that post script from my Higher Self asking her to explain it to me. Why did she have me act this way?
And this morning when I woke up I read the story from start to finish. I hadn't been able to face reading it when I worked on it to fix typos, so I did paragraph at end, then paragraph in middle, each time there was a part I couldn't face, I moved over to fix typos in another part.
So this morning is only time I read it from start to end. And I think it is an extraordinary tale.
When I went to bed last night, I thought about everything I had told about in story, all the things which happened, and I remembered what my relationship with my mom had been like before my Higher Self had decided to transform it.
I thought "the transformation involved putting both her and me thru hell," and I wondered if transformation always involved going thru hell.
And I thought "never would I have been willing to undergo this, if my dad had not gone to Heaven, I would have just left things as they were." And I think this is true.
However, I also did remember what things were like before the transformation of the relationship. And I have to admit they were such an awful mess, and in such a tight knot, one of those big awful knots which can never be undone, like a huge big knot stuck together like glue.
And even tho the events in the story are not "pretty" the whole knot is unraveled.
This morning I see the whole ugly knot did get unraveled, they are all separate strands now, and even washed clean. All that muck has been removed.
I haven't figured out how to tie it up in pretty bow yet, but yes it is a vast improvement.
Whether I will ever have true closeness with my mom, I have no idea, but it does seem as if it has come to be a potential.
So below is the story I wrote yesterday
Love, Anne
My Mom, Me, and my Higher Self
Written Tuesday morning, July 8, 2008
I got to know my nephew Ricky and fall in love with him when he was 8 years old, when we all went back to New York and stayed in my mom’s apartment because my dad had gone to Heaven. My brother, Jimmy, his wife, Betsy, and their son Ricky, had all flown in from Berkeley. I flew in from Tucson.
Things did not go well between me and my mom when I was back in New York in the apartment I had grown up in.
I was with my Higher Self at this point and I did whatever She told me to, no questions asked. I completely trusted her to know what was best for both me and my mom, and everyone involved.
And She explained to me that now that my dad was in Heaven, and Eleanor no longer had Leon, it was necessary for Eleanor to have an authentic relationship with me, that we had to turn this into a real relationship.
“Eleanor will need to be close to you now,” my Higher Self explained.
I really had no relationship with my mom. Of course as soon as I got to be with my Higher Self, which was the summer before I moved to Tucson, my Higher Self changed all my communications with my mom.
She had me write love letters and nothing else. And to only give good news. “It takes away guilt” she explained, “if you tell her you’re radiantly healthy and completely happy.”
And I was very content writing love letters to my mom, and having zero relationship with her.
But when my dad went to Heaven my Higher Self said “you have to have a real relationship with your mom now, she doesn’t have Leon, she will need that.”
And when I went back East to be with her right after Leon went to Heaven, for the memorial, and my brother and his family were there too, I followed my Higher Self’s instructions to the letter on how to transform my relationship with my mom.
My Higher Self’s theory was, in order to have a real relationship, it has to be between equals, so I can’t let my mom boss me around anymore.
My brother and his family had already been there for a week. My brother had flown out instant Leon went to Heaven and Betsy and Ricky had arrived several days later.
So the first morning, when I woke up, and all 3 of them were going to go into the city and see friends, and take Ricky to something, and my brother offered to do the breakfast dishes before he left, my mom said “Just leave them! Go and have a good time!”
She was looking forward to being alone with me. My brother’s attitude towards my mom who had just lost her husband, was totally solicitous. He kept offering to help in anyway, to do anything for her.
My mom’s plan was we would take her shopping cart and go to supermarket together. Apparently all these years, my mom had watched the other mothers grocery shopping with their grown-up daughter, and she wanted this too.
And my Higher Self had me say “no thank you, I don’t want to go.”
My mother was so shocked she practically fell over. My brother had done whatever she wanted, everyone expects this is how you act when you have a grieving widow, but my Higher Self had me say “I’m not going.”
I could not understand it myself. What did I care if I went grocery shopping with my mom, it was what she wanted, it would make her happy. Isn’t this why I was here, to make her happy! Apparently not. Apparently the reason was to transform our relationship into a real relationship, and apparently this was how.
“But why don’t you want to go shopping with me?” my mom asked.
My Higher Self had me say, “because I don’t want to.”
My mom was flabbergasted and so was I.
And then the most interesting thing happened. My mother, who had been the weak pathetic grieving widow, suddenly transformed right in front of my eyes. All of a sudden she realized what was going on. Her eyes lit up! She straightened up! The glint of battle came into her eyes!
Right before my eyes she transformed back into the young mother who had forced me to do what I didn’t want to do way back in this very same living room, when I was 11 years old. She went back to being 34 years old, loving to fight.
She completely lit up! “We're having a fight!” she said.
I said “you’re fighting, I’m not.”
And then she tried to force me to go grocery shopping with her.
I don’t believe she even cared about grocery shopping with her grown-up daughter at this point. The delight of that fantasy paled beside her huge joy and excitement at having a fight with me.
She was thrilled to her toes to be having a fight with me. I guess the girl likes to fight.
We were in the same living room where we had had all our fights while I was growing up. And she had won every fight. Of course she assumed she would win this one. She wouldn’t have been so thrilled and excited about the fight if she hadn’t been sure she would be victorious. There would be the thrill of fighting itself and the sweet victory at end.
She had already had a week of being pathetic grieving widow and every whim indulged, she was so ready for a change of plan, for a new activity.
And so I took a deep breath and said to my Higher Self, “I hope you know what you are doing.”
My mom had total relish for all this, but it was not my idea of fun. And whatever my mom said to me, I simply answered with what my Higher Self told me to say.
When my mom kept asking “but why won’t you go shopping with me?” I answered “because I don’t want to.”
And then she pulled out all the stops. She was enjoying herself so much, she loved being a ferocious fighter.
I was really detached from it all. LOL I had no dog in this fight. I was simply obedient to my Higher Self, because I believed she knew what was best for Eleanor. I was there to help my mother, and I figured my Higher Self knew how, and I didn’t, so I would do exactly what my Higher Self said.
Well the upshot was my mom lost the fight. I was unbudgeable. There was absolutely nothing she could do, to get me to give in and do what she wanted. And she hated me for it. She hated me for losing the fight.
I was only there 3 days. On the third day was my father’s memorial and the next morning we all left on the airplane to go home.
It was a long 3 days because my mother made it clear to me in every way I was persona non grata.
Because I like to smoke cigarettes she insisted the smoke bothered her, and I have to leave the apartment and go into the hall to smoke. So I spent my entire time at home in the hall near the elevator, sitting on the building steps.
That is how I got close to my nephew. He came out to join me with a pack of cards. O we had such a ball together. We played all the card games I knew, and he taught me how to play Crazy 8s.
And then he offered to teach me 52 Pick-up, which made me crack up. I remembered when Jane Katz had offered to teach me 52 Pick-up when I was 8 years old, in her apartment just above ours.
I was one floor below with my nephew when he was offering to teach me 52 Pick up. A very sly smile came over his face and he said “would you like me to teach you 52 Pick-up.”
I can’t tell you how much fun we had. We laughed and laughed, we made each other giggle. We laughed so hard he must have peed in his pants, because I heard my brother negotiate with his wife. He named all the things he did and said how Betsy should take care of washing Ricky and new underpants and pants.
In the evening my mom took all of us to a great Chinese restaurant in Flushing, the best Chinese restaurant in the world, her neighbor had told her about it.
I was so excited about having the delicious food. I sat next to my mom and I don’t know how she did it, but everyone’s order got taken except mine.
Finally I had to remind the waiter my order was not taken.
Then she leaned over to Betsy on the other side and made sure I was completely excluded from all conversation.
She was still, this is hard to believe, trying to win the fight!
And after the restaurant, when she and I were in the car, and Jimmy and Betsy and Ricky went across the street for ice cream cones, my mother who had refused to say one word to me since the fight-- when I graciously thanked her for the delicious meal in restaurant, started it all up again.
“If you really loved me” she began, and started up the fight.
And when we got back home, I spent another evening in the hall with my nephew.
The next day was the memorial. It was at a convention room at hotel by airport. All my father’s friends from the Party were there, plus his tennis playing friends, plus the friends who are neighbors, and my mom invited her best friends too.
My brother was master of ceremonies and everyone talked about my dad, and my brother did a great job. And my mother arranged that a huge feast buffet style be given in the adjoining room. And everyone ate the delicious food and had a nice time.
And when family and relatives were going to go back to our house afterwards, my brother suggested we go to Aunt Mildred’s house instead, so my mom wouldn’t feel she had to clean the house first. The house was perfectly clean but I guess my mom would think she had to clean it again anyway.
So we sat in Mildred’s living room where everyone talked family talk, and I lounged on rug with Ricky. He brought out a board game for us to play, he now thought of me as his playmate. I might have liked to join the family discussion but I was perfectly willing to play board game on rug with Ricky instead.
And then my mom stood up and said “I’m tired, come on Annie let’s go.”
Which I thought was very interesting, that after all we had been thru, she knew without question, that if she were ready to go home, of course I would be her companion and go with her. That I was there for her. Jimmy and Betsy and Ricky stayed behind at Mildred’s house, they were all having good time having family talk.
And when they got back home, I went into hall to have cig and Ricky followed me out with cards. And when I went back in to get something, both Jimmy and Betsy each took me aside privately to thank me for spending all this time playing with Ricky.
I told them honestly they didn’t have to thank me, I was enjoying it so much. And then because my mom didn’t seem to mind my presence, and my brother was going thru my father’s financial papers to help her, and he asked me something about a bond on an apartment building in Texas. I said “yes, Leon bought that bond in my name so I could have a little income from it, and for a month or 2 I got a small check but then he cashed it in to buy you a new car, when you had to drive all that distance to work.”
And somehow I got caught up talking with my bother and sister-in-law and never did go back out to play cards with Ricky. And then there was a huge drama because Jimmy could not find his airline ticket for the trip home the next morning. We all looked everywhere for it, and his wife yelled at him, saying how irresponsible he is, who loses an airplane ticket!
And I was appalled at that, because how could my brother be called irresponsible, he had arrived same day our dad went to Heaven and had done everything. He and my mom had done all the arrangements for the memorial together. He had done all the financial papers. He had done every single thing. He had totally taken care of my mom. I had not done one single thing, except let her start huge fight with me that she did not win.
And she had started up the fight again each time we were alone. She kept thinking her strategy had been wrong and if she tried a different strategy she would win this time. But she never won and just got madder at me. This continued until the memorial. After the memorial and after Mildred’s house and after she said “time to leave Anne,” and we walked home companionably, she didn’t want to fight with me anymore. She wanted to be nice to me instead.
And the next morning, after we all had breakfast together, and my brother and his family left, and I was lingering over breakfast, I did see there was an ashtray near my plate, but I thought I hallucinated it. And when I said “I want to smoke a cigarette, I will go out into the hall,” she said “there is an ashtray right there.” And I knew she was bending over to be nice to me.
And then the car came to take me to the airport. And during the wait at airport, my Higher Self had me call her to say what a wonderful time I had, and how loving and nice she had been to me and how much I appreciate it.
And then I flew back home to Tucson.
My mom comes to Tucson, another disaster:
And then the following June she came here for a few days. She said “we got off on the wrong foot in New York and I want to get on the right foot now.”
But the identical thing happened. Again my Higher Self said “you must have an authentic relationship, and for that you have to be equals.”
And she had me say “no” to a perfectly sensible reasonable request my mom made.
And so my mom was enraged with me for the whole visit, 3 days.
And when I was so gracious when she was leaving, and said “you are welcome back anytime, I was so happy to have you here.”
She said “I am never setting one foot in your house again! I am never coming back to Tucson again!”
And Bill drove her to airport.
And the instant she left I burst into tears, and I said to my Higher Self “How could you do this to me! How could you let me be mean to my mom!”
And to my stunned astonishment my Higher Self said “Eleanor had a great time, she so enjoyed her trip to the dump.”
Which turned out to be true. She had gone thru my house, getting rid of everything she thought should be gotten rid of, and then Bill took her in the truck to the dump to throw it all away.
And I did notice how happy she looked, sitting up there in front seat with him on way back from dump, that total satisfaction in her face.
And when I told Irene she said, “every mother’s dream, to get to throw out all her daughter’s junk.”
And as soon as she got back to New York she made arrangement with Elder Hostel to spend Thanksgiving in Tucson.
And in November she got flu. No matter what she did she wouldn’t get better, and all her friends said “how can you go to Tucson, you are not well enough.”
And she said (accurately it turned out) “I won’t get better unless I do go to Tucson.” Which turned out to be true.
She stayed at a hotel this time that Elder Hostel arranged, and we came over to swim in her pool. And she had lovely time talking to Bruce and Bill as I swam, and we took her out for lunch.
And she and Bruce really hit it off. “What a wonderful mom you have!” he said to me when we were alone.
And we had nice Thanksgiving together in restaurant. And I knew it was good for my mom to see me swimming in her pool, to see me radiantly strong and healthy and happy, because of that thing— it takes away guilt.
And so she spent the next 4 Thanksgivings with us in Tucson, she stayed with Elder Hostel each year, and nice time was had by all.
My mom moves to Berkeley, I fly out to help her settle in, more flare-ups:
And the fifth year, on her birthday and on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish holiday, she decided to move to Berkeley to be close to Jimmy and his family, and Betsy’s parents too.
She wanted to be at all the family gatherings, instead of on the other end of telephone, when she got called from the family gathering. She wanted to be part of family again. Family gatherings is my mother’s favorite thing in whole world.
So that Thanksgiving she went to Elder Hostel in Berkeley, and Betsy took her around to look at various places to live, and she chose that apartment in Walnut Creek.
And 2 months later, she arrived. She moved out there lock, stock, and barrel.
And my Higher Self had me offer to fly out there to help her settle in. She had only been there 2 days when I arrived.
And once again my Higher Self said “it has to be a relationship between equals for you to be close, and Eleanor needs her daughter, I want you to be close.”
So this time when my mom told me to make my bed and she will take me for breakfast-- this was my first morning there.
And I said “I won’t make my bed.”
Can you believe this! I was brushing my teeth and my Higher Self said, “tell her you won’t make your bed.”
I practically fell over. “Are you sure?” I asked.
“I’m sure,” she said.
So after I washed my face and brushed my teeth I said “I’m not making my bed.”
And the biggest fight of the millennium broke out.
She didn’t go in as much for fierce fighting this time, because she had been a widow for 5 years now, and discovered she could manipulate anyone into doing anything she wanted by saying “I’m old and sick and going to die.”
I guess this worked on my brother. But my Higher Self, who was doing all this for Eleanor, for Eleanor’s happiness, and for her great new life in California, of course would not allow me to give any credence to the idea that she was old and sick and going to die.
“You have to do what I want” my mom said to me “because I am old and sick and going to die.”
“Hardly!” I said back.
After all I had just seen the fierce and ferocious fight she had put up all that morning.
My Higher Self had finally let me give in because I was starving. After I would not give in my mom went to the restaurant for breakfast by herself. I was not invited. There was no food in the house. And I could not hold out another minute, I made my bed.
It was late in the afternoon. I had actually seen from her 3rd floor window, her returning by herself in the rain. O she looked so unhappy. O my heart went out to her. But what could I do. I totally trusted my Higher Self. I totally believe she knows the way to my mother’s happiness.
And even I knew it was wrong that everything my brother did for her was predicated on she’s old and sick and going to die. Even tho that is what my mother wanted, this was not good for her. This is not how you started off your beautiful new life in California.
And it had taken tremendous strength and courage to quit her job, leave her home of past 50 years in Flushing, and relocate to CA.
I had done my relocation to Tucson 8 years before, I still remembered what it took for me to do that. No one who is old and sick and going to die could do that. It takes all the courage and strength of tremendous life and vitality to do that. And it takes huge mind power too. Great great strength of mind.
So I made my bed and she took me out for great breakfast. I was so hungry I had two of everything, I hadn’t even had supper. And she was very happy watching me eat, and I loved my breakfast so much.
And we had a nice walk around her new town and were walking back companionably, and I made a little joke. I said “I guess this is what enlightenment is, next time your daughter refuses to make her bed, you will say ‘fine with me.’”
Of course she did not get my joke, and of course she was still furious at me about it. That is when she brought out “I don’t know how you can do this to me, I am old and sick and going to die.” And I said “hardly” under my breath, she didn’t hear me.
And it was clear she still hated me.
That evening was my brother’s birthday party at his house, and we all went to it. My nephew Ricky was now 12 years old and had an ET T shirt. And I had a great time at the dinner cracking jokes with Betsy’s dad who sat next to me.
And the next morning, just before I went downstairs because the car was coming to take me to the airport so I could go home, I thanked her very graciously for her gracious hospitality to me.
She said “you are never invited back again!”
But maybe my Higher Self does know what she is doing. My mom has now been out in CA for 8 years, and it is a great and glorious experience. She did have wonderful relocation and has wonderful new life in California, it all did work out perfectly for her.
Well since my Higher Self was the prime actor in all of this, maybe I’ll let Her describe how things are now:
Of course things are not perfect between Anne and Eleanor. Some daughters do have perfect relationships with their moms, but those are the ones where it was always perfect from the get-go, where the love, the closeness, and understanding were always there.
Anne was close to her dad, but there were always problems with her mom. Yes I have succeeded in totally transforming their relationship, and I did a magnificent job of it, altho it was frustrating, baffling to both of them, and very upset feelings for Eleanor.
In fact Eleanor did not forgive Annie, she paid her back (punished her) by cutting off the money Leon had left for his whole family. Altho Jimmy was able to intervene and convince Eleanor to give Anne some money again, which was nice of Jimmy. Altho Eleanor had just given him 1/4 million to put on upstairs on his house and do major fancy renovation, while sneakily she arranged that Annie would get practically no money at all.
Annie had no idea why the money was drastically cut down and then none at all, and finally she called her brother up in tears and desperation.
So that is when he talked to Eleanor and found out it was all happening on purpose, and Eleanor won’t forgive Anne. And he convinced Eleanor to to start sending her a little money again. Altho understandably she gives Jimmy so much more, after all he lives near her, they have dinner together every Monday, and he is there whenever she needs help.
Altho there is all kinds of help I can have Annie give her even tho she lives in Tucson. It was my idea that Eleanor be bought a computer and get on internet. So Jimmy did it, and taught her computer, and now that is the joy of her life. She loves internet and emailing. And email turned out to be perfect way for Anne and Eleanor to have a positive relationship.
I consider the relationship between Anne and Eleanor a work in progress. Anne’s problem is she still sees her mom judging her and criticizing her. This is hard habit to break, it is life-long, she always sees her mom this way.
Anne wants to know why what I did worked?
The short answer is it removed Eleanor’s guilt.
She was too controlling when Anne lived under her roof, and her guilt magnified and exaggerated it way out of proportion.
In fact Eleanor was a fine mother. Sure there were fights when Anne was a kid, she wanted more pretty clothes than she was allowed to have. But this was more than counterbalanced by the tremendous freedom Anne was given.
But guilt is always cruel and always false. And it was hard for Eleanor when she remembered all the fights she won, all the new party dresses Anne was not bought. And each time a Hollywood movie featured a dominating overbearing controlling mother, Eleanor tortured herself that that was her. Altho nothing could have been further from the truth.
And this is why when Leon went to Heaven and I knew she would need a real relationship with her daughter, there had to be a fight in the same living room where the fights in ancient history had taken place.
And Eleanor had to lose it, in order to see with her own two eyes, that the past never happened. And all there is is the present.
She had to see that whatever she did had zero effect on Anne, that Anne did exactly what she wanted to do.
The turning point really came in that very first fight, when her ferocious fighting had no effect on Anne at all, and she decided to change tactics.
She had the grace to give a shameful smile first and warn Annie, “I am going to pull out all the stops now.”
“Go ahead Mom, give it your best shot” Anne responded.
And then of course she played the grieving widow card. How could she resist. She was determined to win.
But losing was the best thing which ever happened to her. It was what saved her. Eleanor was freed from guilt, and all doors were open to a lovely new life for Eleanor, which is just what happened.
All my love to all of you, Anne's Higher Self
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