Saturday May 8 2010 7:33 am
The birds are chirping and singing. This is the spring of the incredible bird whistles, chirps, song. I don’t know when I began to notice it, maybe a month ago.
Every morning I listen to it. It is so alive and joyous. It encourages me so much. No matter what thoughts are floating around in my mind, pestering me like gnats, just at the point when they start getting me down, comes this incredible sound of the birds chirping.
And I switch the attunement of my mind to that sound. Move it away from the pesky thoughts, just tune into that loud whistling birds chirping. And it lifts me up, it stabilizes me. Instead of thinking “I hate my life,” I think “all is right with the world.” Somehow it brings in a good focus, the focus of where I want to be. I guess it brings in flooding happiness in its wake.
Last evening I found a long email from my friend Sue, my best friend from college. It is the first email I have ever gotten from her. She is telling me about her life now. She has left her home to stay with her mom in another town in California to take care of her mom. I guess it has been 6 months. She says “I have only been home twice since I came here, once for a week, and once for 4 and a half days.”
Sue has been a body worker or massage therapist for past 30 years, so she does her body work on her mom all day, and the result is her mom is able to sleep comfortably all night. Her daughter is a big help to her.
I found every word in Sue’s email fascinating and it gave me so much to think about. Because my mom went to Heaven last September I am in a different chapter in my relationship with my mom now. She is in Heaven now and because I can communicate with anyone in Heaven I have had several long conversations with her. She is deeply sorry for how she treated me when she was in the world, and she wants me to forgive her. She wants to make it up to me, she wants to be friends with me now.
I have been willing to listen to her but I have not warmed up to her yet. My attitude is “you never liked me before, you placed zero value on our relationship, and you were perfectly horrid to me for the last 16 years you were in the world, why the sudden change of heart! How come now you want me, and you never wanted me before, when I wanted you with all my heart and turned myself inside out to have friendship and relationship with you!”
Her response to this is to sweet-talk me. She, who never once sweet-talked me when she was in the world, just wants to sweet-talk me now that she is in Heaven.
She says “I know I can count on your kindness and generosity Anne, I want to be friends with you now, and you will let me.”
She is right of course, I will let her.
It is just taking a little time to get over a hump. The hump is there has been no history of her being nice to me, of her liking me, of her being friendly and loving to me. So I simply have no way of seeing her as friendly loving person. If that side of her exists she never showed it to me when she was in the world.
She must have showed it to my father, else how could she have had a loving devoted husband. She must have showed it to her friends, else how could she have loving good friends. She just never showed it to me.
Altho since she has been in Heaven she has been unfailingly nice, kind, loving, patient, understanding with me. She has been the opposite of how she was to me when she was in the world. And maybe when I get enough experience of her this new way, I will see her in this new way.
But so far we have only had 3 long conversations. I will have to give her more chances to be close to me. That is what she wants, to be close to me now. And yes she does have to earn it now, because she rejected it and spurned it and treated it as no value the whole time it was offered to her when she was in the world.
I am not being punitive to be so reluctant to offer it to her now. She just has to demonstrate she is a different person now, she is someone who really wants it now. The ball is really in her court. She can have it but it is up to her, she will have to work for it now.
What is so interesting is getting this email from Sue and then having these thoughts about me and my mom now, because what is going on in Sue’s life now is the last chapter of her mom in the world. And from the world’s point of view that is the last chapter of the book, after that comes finis, the end. But from my point of view, it is only the last chapter of the first saga in book, next chapter is life in Heaven and the relationship continues.
I can’t explain what I mean very well. It’s funny Linda Feldman’s mother went to Heaven when Linda was 35 and I was 30, and Linda’s mom’s last words to her were “do your homework.” And I never knew what she meant but now I do. I know exactly what Ethel was trying to communicate to Linda.
Ethel must have been aware in that last day in the world how life does continue in Heaven, so it is like cramming for a test, you don’t do any work all semester, so then you have to stay up all night and teach yourself the whole course the night before the test.
Ethel knew life continued in Heaven so she wanted to make everything right now, before she left, so nothing would have to be done when she got to Heaven. This is why she told her daughter Linda “start doing your homework now.” So Linda would not have to do all that at the last minute.
My mom did not choose to make anything right before she left. I guess she had no idea life continues. I have a beautiful close relationship with my dad in Heaven, and I would have that with her too, but she screwed up when she was in the world and has to set things straight now.
Altho it’s possible if she had not succeeded in revenging herself on me while she was in the world for the grievances she held against me, that would be even worse. At least she is totally freed of her desire for pay-back. She did pay me back, she disinherited me.
To not be finally free from it would be the absolute worst. For the last 16 years of her time in the world she ruined her own life by doing pay back on her daughter. But she didn’t get it completely out of her system till she disinherited me.
If that is what it took to finally free her from it, it is far better she be free of it. Let the girl have perfect peace now. Altho there is something awful about her last act in the world making it perfectly clear to me she doesn’t love me. No wonder now that she is in Heaven and realizes she made a huge mistake she wants this chance to undo her mistake. And yes I will give her that chance.
So you can understand why from my point of view, getting Sue's email last night and realizing it is her mom’s last year in the world, I see that last year as the chance to take care of any unfinished business, anything she had not made right before, now is the time to make it right. Now is the time to accomplish anything she wants to accomplish. Why arrive in Heaven with any unfinished business!
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