“Change”

Pacifica, CA by Felix Pasilis

6:57 am Tuesday 10/16/07 “Change”
Communicated by my Higher Self

It’s a huge change in dimension. You will have to accept that nothing feels quite regular. You have moved to a new place. It will be easier as day moves on. Waking up is the hard part, because that is when it all hits you. As soon as you start to move thru your day and your routine it will be easy and feel normal again. The strangeness will be just at waking up. Waking up is hard because that is when the awareness hits you that this is not regular. I know there are a lot of unknowns. But if you think of this as starting an adventure, you’re on an adventure, then it will be natural to have unknowns. Adventure, is an adventure, a venturing out into the unknown.

As usual during this period, she was up at 3 am. She read and smoked and thought, until finally she got sleepy again. One of the things she thought about was her old shrink, Connie. As Jan would say “what was that all about?”

She saw Connie from the ages of 18 to 28. It ended very peculiarly. Annie was going thru something strange and intense which she didn’t understand and which was upsetting, and when it was time for her to get ready for her appointment, that long trip of so many subways to the Upper West Side from the Lower East Side, she just didn’t want to do it. She called and cancelled three times and on the 4th time, Connie said “forget about it! It’s over!” And that was it. It was over. She never went back. It hadn’t occurred to her to leave, she found the idea traumatic at first. She lied on the couch in the middle room, Bill was sitting in his chair reading, and she let the realization that Connie had broken up with her, that it was over, fully dawn. And it petrified her at first, she wondered if she would survive. A huge anxiety coursed all thru her. It was very suspenseful. The anxiety was intense, she wondered if she would survive it. But she did. The anxiety left, she was still standing. And she realized it was over and she had survived it. Her attachment to Connie had ended.

Connie did her big favor by breaking up with her, since Annie was so attached, I don’t know if she could have done it. And there was no point in continuing the relationship anymore. Connie’s greatest contribution was to keep her with Bill during those first few years, before she was addicted to being in a relationship, and might have considered change. Connie was a married woman and knew how much happiness marriage to a nice man can bring a woman, she wanted Annie to have that. And so when restlessness entered the picture during those first few years, Connie got her over hump of the restlessness, which was a huge favor (one of the greatest!), Connie gave Annie.

She also tried to keep Annie as a school teacher because she realized (she was the only who did realize) how immensely talented Annie was at it. But this she could not succeed in doing, because with the no-support or encouragement at the school itself, the job was way too hard for Annie. Plus she was consumed by it. It was such an opportunity for creativity, and there was so much love and devotion. It just wasn’t her destiny to pour her entire life into her kindergarten children. She had a thrilling amazing two years and then it all crashed down. Actually Bill got her out of teaching. There was so much bad mixed with the good, that when Annie came home completely exhausted and depressed, finally he said “I can’t live with someone who is depressed all the time.” And Annie knew, in order to be in a good mood all the time, she would have to get rid of teaching.

So a year after living with Bill teaching went. And he suggested she become a writer and offered to support her. And two years later psychotherapy with Connie went. And a few years after that, out of nowhere, her part-time job on Wall Street exploded in her face. And after that she settled down to become a serious writer and settled into her life with Bill. And that lasted till they moved to Tucson Arizona 16 years later. So you could say Connie got her wonderful husband. Bill got her out of school teaching and into writing. He also got her a computer which was internet ready. He really wanted her to go on internet.

All lives are like this. You are always being pushed in the direction you should take. When things collapse it is because you are being pushed in a new direction. School teaching collapsed, and that made writing possible. Wall Street job collapsed, that made being serious about writing possible. Therapy collapsed, and that made her connection with Bill solid. “Now I just have you” she said, as she looked up from the couch and realized it was over with Connie. She was even driven to internet cause her communication with friends collapsed, and Bill was not interested in hearing what she was interested in. So she sought communication on the internet. And of course it was the collapse of her NYC life which drove her to Tucson.

Upheaval is not fun, but it is stunningly constructive and effective, in changes that are necessary for your happiness.

Strictly speaking this time now is the gentlest of all times, but the change itself is so mighty, that even tho you are being lifted up in the gentlest of all ways, the distance you are traversing is great. It is a travel adventure. It is not a comfortable and familiar time but is worth it for what you will have....