Sunday, October 21,2007, 8:53 am “Shopping trip”
Communicated from my Higher Self
Whatever change started almost a month ago, is still continuing. There is a leveling off but it is still going on. Annie can feel that nothing is the same and change is still going on in her mind. The force of desires has not yet returned. There is still a sleepiness, and daze. She falls asleep while reading her mystery, and waking up is hard transition for her.
Altho oddly enough that long period, of waking up in morning, discovering she was awake and thinking “O no another day I don’t want it.” That is gone. As Jan said, “I don’t even know why I think that, there is nothing wrong with my life.” And as Jan said, “I don’t want to face it. Face what? My life I guess?”
It was same for Annie, she woke up thinking “I don’t want to face it,” didn’t know what “it” meant, and assumed “it” must mean her life. And was also surprised because there was nothing wrong, things were ok for her too.
But now that is gone. So the newness has already brought one new thing. Annie has hard time waking up from naps, the transition is not easy, but she greets the morning with much more alacrity, than she has over past few years. The feeling of monotony is gone, and the not-want-to-face-it, whatever “it” is.
Her way of handling problems seems to have changed too. After Bill made shrimp salad for lunch, he took his sandwich and Lulu out into front yard to listen to radio, Saturday is the college football games. And Annie went in to read her mystery, and fell asleep. Till bill walked in door and said “get your stuff we’re going swimming!”
The transition to waking was so hard for her. She sat in truck on way to pool munching on chocolate bar, he was talking about movies he had seen. She was listening, but mainly she was trying to get thru this very difficult transition. And the next thing she knew he was yelling at her for not responding. She said “my mouth is filled with chocolate.” He was very mad at her and yelled at her, and accused her of things, not being interested in him, not respecting him. But she didn’t know what he wanted from her.
Finally it seemed he wanted her to go to the movies with him. He was mad she wouldn’t go. He wanted companionship at the movies, to share the movie with her. “You always complain I don’t take you anywhere but when I try to take you to the movies you won’t go,” he said.
She was having such a hard time waking up from her nap, getting focused in the wide-wake world. She was shocked at the barrage of accusations, so many conclusions he had jumped to, which didn’t seem to fit at all.
They stopped at the bakery so she could buy bread and pastries and he went into the second-hand store to look for books. He was so happy with the book he found. When they got back in the truck she said “maybe you should read my blog and read some of my stories.” He has not read a single story she wrote since she’s been in Tucson, he never looked at her blog. He only hears she is writing stories and her blog. She thought his gripe was that she wasn’t displaying more interest in conversation, and she thought she would get more excited about the conversation if it was about her. All the conversation is about him. She doesn’t find it uninteresting, she actually enjoys it, but she thought if he wants bouncing up and down excitement in her responses, the conversation should be about her. And she certainly would be very interested in anything he said about her stories or her blog.
But he said “I don’t want to read your blog, I don’t want to read your stories,” and she knew he didn’t, or he would have. But he was in a good mood. He said he realized as soon as he walked into the second-hand store he should just drop it, and if she doesn’t want to go to the movies that is fine. She said “I like movies, I just don’t like going to a movie theater in the middle of the day, it’s not where I want to be. I like to go to stores or to restaurants, but I don’t like to go to the movies.” He said for him it is the opposite. It makes him uptight to be home in the middle of the day, he only likes to be home at night. And it makes him uptight to go to a restaurant in the middle of the day, and some stores are ok. She doesn’t like to be in a movie theater in middle of day, she feels trapped there. And Bill said “that’s how I feel about being in the house, I feel trapped and uptight, and it is worth it we went thru this, for you to discover how I feel.”
She couldn’t comprehend how someone could feel uptight and trapped in their own house, she loves being home. But he can’t comprehend why she feels uptight and trapped in a movie theater, he loves going to the movies. But now finally she does understand why he doesn’t like to be in the house, he feels the way she does in a movie theater, it is not where he wants to be.
When she got in swimming pool she was buzzing like a hornet. Because it had shocked her and unsettled her the barrage in the car. But one thing she did notice when she thought about everything he said, is that she does enjoy his conversation, she does find it interesting. She hadn’t noticed that when she was so mad the conversation is always about him, never about her.
The other thing she glommed on to, is he had said “you always complain I don’t take you anywhere.” And she said “when was the last time I wanted to go anywhere.” This is because for past month she has been in daze. She has had no desires, she has just wanted to come home. And the oddest thought crossed her mind, that in some backwards upside-down way, he was wanting her to insist they go somewhere.
He always complains so heartily when she asks him to take her to the mall or to Lane Bryant or wherever, that she assumed it was big favor to him for whole month she didn’t want to go anywhere.
But for sure she knew in some way, the door was opened for her to be taken somewhere. She said “take me for a pizza after the pool, and tomorrow let’s go to the shopping center with Lane Bryant, you can buy art supplies.” He said “I can buy my Colorado Rockies hat, and art supplies, and the things I want for my bike. I need a new tube and few other things. They are all in that shopping center.”
The idea of going to Lane Bryant and Ross which are both in that shopping center, had come to her when she realized she would stop being mad at him for yelling in the car, if she switched her thinking over to what treats he can take her to buy herself tomorrow. Her desire nature had not come back yet, but the idea of being taken for treat is such a happy idea.
Ordinarily she doesn’t like to impose on Bill, but he was perfectly happy to take her to Craycroft and 22nd Street after the pool for pizza. And perfectly happy to go to that shopping center on Sunday. He was happy to do her the favor and looking forward to things he would get.
And she knew, in that part of you which knows things you don’t think you know, that the whole purpose of the commotion in the car, was to get her to go for pizza after the pool, and to shopping center on Sunday. She knew her desire nature was taking its time to return, but it was time for her to be pushed out of the cocoon she had been in. She needs to start to have stimulation and excitement in her life. And what better way than a shopping trip. She would get excited when she walked into the store and saw the new clothes. It would start her juices running again....
So yes my darling, the transition is still going on but look how much you loved that pizza last night and you will love your shopping trip too. It’s time to push outwards.
All my love to all of you,
Annie's Higher Self
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