“A former shrink goes to Heaven”

Mesquite tree, Tucson AZ by Felix Pasilis

Saturday, November 3, 2007, 8:11 am
“A former shrink goes to Heaven”

Communicated from my Higher Self

It is not the time for Annie to be blogging from me every day the way she used to. It is time for her to go back to her writing and tomorrow she should break the ice with that. But today is such an in-between day, the day before she goes back to her writing. So why not blog with me today.

Because she does not have an enterprise on her computer when she is not blogging with me, or writing, or posting about Ron Paul on a political site-- if there is no email to answer or to write, she fools around, looking things up on Google which she thinks might interest her. Sometimes she looks up people she used to know to see if they are on Google, to find out what they are doing now.

One of the people she looked up last evening was her former shrink, Connie. And to her absolute shock, she found out Connie had gone to Heaven suddenly last January. Connie is not her parents’ age, she is that middle ground, halfway between Annie and her parents. 15 years older than Annie, 15 years younger than her dad.

A foot in each world.

She was a protégé of Annie’s uncle Phil, and hence became a friend of Phil’s wife, Esther, who are both 20 years older than Connie, and made her seem to belong to that world to Annie, but Annie would not have been totally shocked to read her obituary in the New York Times last night, if Connie had been as old as her aunts and uncles. She felt more like a much much older sister had left the world for Heaven.

And because Connie had represented (and was the emblem of) the world, to Annie, it is a huge shock she is no longer in the world. For Annie the world has lost its emblem. That Connie is now in Heaven changes everything. In fact, Connie is so far from Heaven in Annie’s eyes, and so much only of the world, the incredible shock was that Connie was no longer here. Because at first, it was unfathomable that she could be in Heaven-- when Annie thought of Connie she forgot the existence of Heaven. She had to remind herself where Connie is now.

There were no tears, there was no sadness, but there was huge shock. Like the departure of a royal personage. As if Annie had been England and Connie had been Queen of England. Annie immediately thought of Connie’s mansion-like co-op apartment by Central Park West, and wondered “does her husband just rattle around in it now?” It seemed like a palace without its queen.

The obituary was very strange, cause it was written and paid for by the rabbis at the temple, where Connie volunteered to be the head of their outreach program. So it was more about Connie’s temple activities than about anything else in her life.

Which interested Annie because Connie had not expressed the slightest interest in being Jewish the whole time the two girls had been together. It must have been a later development in her life.

Also Annie discovered from Googling, that Connie had co-authored articles with her historian husband. Altho the only one which showed up was the article on Aaron Burr, where they claimed it was suicide, Connie had supplied the psychology.

So Connie’s interests had expanded during the time Annie was in Tucson. She became Jewish and involved with the temple, involved with Judaism. She became more interested in the people in history and co-authored articles with her husband.

The breach between Connie and Annie can never be closed, because there was no closeness when they were in relationship. Closeness was closed off because Connie maintained the position she was invincible and invulnerable whereas Annie was sick, weak, and vulnerable. This of course is the shock. What happens if the person who has convinced you they are invulnerable and invincible, you turn on Google and it says “Suddenly last night Connie Levine died.” And the really odd thing, is that for Annie, now that Connie was no longer in the world, it seemed as if she had just been a chimera. She blamed this on the obituary. “It has no substance to it” she thought. “Why is it written by the rabbis at her temple! why not by her husband and their sons! How can her bio be written as if all she was, was director of temple outreach program! What about her whole life as a psychotherapist!”

But it is not the fault of the obit bio in The Times. The rabbis liked Connie and wrote warmly about her. For Annie she was just a chimera in her life. She never knew her.

Because I am Annie’s psychotherapist now she wonders why the relationship is so opposite. She and I love each other more than the Universe. We are closer than two raindrops merging into one, or the earth drinking in the wonderful rain. Understanding is total, closeness is total, love is total. I do nothing but cherish her. She does nothing but let me cherish her. It is a love affair far far far greater than all 12 Universes. So Annie wonders why was it chimera with Connie and total reality with me. Because Connie held back her love and I shower Annie with mine. Connie could not and would not understand Annie because she would not admit she was the same as Annie. It is the reverse with me. I know Annie is me and I am Annie, and I cherish who I am. Connie had no idea who she was, and so she could not know Annie for an instant. It is because she was so lost, she was chimera to Annie.

But all is not lost. Those who do not find themselves in the world, do find themselves in Heaven. And in Heaven Connie will know God and know herself. She made a hard choice when she had to choose between being a sculptor and being a psychotherapist. Sculpture had been her first choice. She would have gotten to know herself if she had been an artist. She chose psychotherapy because it was her god and she believed in it. She believed she was helping people and she wanted to do that. But she lost herself. Because in order for psychotherapy to work, and to be of benefit, the therapist must realize the patient is their projection. There must be no judgment at all. A therapist cannot think, “I am sane, and you are crazy, and I will make you sane.” Because all that does is cement an illusion. To help a patient a therapist must want to be sane herself. And she does that by seeing nothing but sanity in her patient and overlooking everything else. Connie did the reverse. Which is why she lost herself totally, and will only find herself in Heaven now.

I hope anyone who reads this realizes their Higher Self longs beyond measure to give them the love I give Annie. For this is the function of the Higher Self. To love you beyond measure and solve every problem for you.

With all my love for all of you,
Annie’s Higher Self

OK Annie wants to be sentimental about Connie, I am not sentimental. For me the truth is the only thing. But humans are sentimental and it is endearing

So let us hear from Annie now. Let her be sentimental about her former shrink

Her favorite color was yellow. Her favorite actress was Patricia Neal. She was always on a diet and she loved to eat. I brought her a cannoli and she turned it down even tho she wanted it, but then I told her it is not whipped cream, it is made from ricotta cheese. She was so overjoyed. She picked off all the tiny fragments of green candy on top. And ate it with such a joy. I had brought her a container of coffee too. She loved that.

And now that it is all over. And Connie is in Heaven, and I have forgotten about upset feelings and confused feelings. I would like to say she was a good egg. I don’t care what problems she had. She meant well and that is all that counts. And she tried her best.

And I wish her all happiness in Heaven now
Love, Annie