Saturday, May 10, 2008 6 AM
“Miracles”
Lulu is picking up. Dr Kaufman didn’t find anything wrong with her when he examined her last week. But we had taken Lulu to him because she had been really out of it for past two weeks. And she continued to be out of it this past week. Bill and I both got scared and of course I was praying for her nearly non-stop. But when there didn’t seem to be any improvement I decided to try to perform a miracle.
This is quite a big deal for me. When I first moved to Tucson 16 years ago, I found a book in the New Age section of the public library called “A Course In Miracles.” The month before I had read a book there, called What is the New Age. I had never heard of the New Age back in New York City. And I guess that book was about all the major channelers at the time. I did not know what a channeler was. It was about the books channeled by these major channelers, what the books said. Maybe it had a chapter on each one. There were not many major channelers when that book was written in the 1980s, the book was short, and the chapters were short. And I imagine they gave some quotes from each book which was channeled. I don’t remember anything in the book, but one quote from one book had a huge effect on me. It was only 3 sentences, 3 short sentences. But instant I read it, my heart which had been filled with stress and fear, peace flooded in. It had total effect on me. That peace was so delicious, so heaven sent, such an answer to a prayer, so wonderful to experience, that of course I memorized the name of that book and looked for it in the library. It turned out to be “A Course In Miracles,” and those 3 sentences turned out to be the Prologue to it. And it said this is a book to take away fear and replace it with peace. I wanted it.
I had zero interest in doing miracles of course. It never crossed my mind to want to do a miracle, I didn’t even know what a miracle was, all I wanted was peace. My years before I left NYC had been filled with trauma and the trauma had followed me to Tucson. And even when I was not going thru an ordeal, I did not know when the next one would come. I desperately wanted peace, I wanted peace more than anything else in the world. It seemed like it was written for me, this huge 660 page text, on how to have peace instead of fear.
The book was a lot more than I bargained for in every possible way. I renewed it 3 times and then went to the bookstore and bought it. First of all it promised all kinds of things. Every dream come true you could possibly imagine, was promised. Things you didn’t even dare dream of were promised. ‘What the world offers you is so awful, and what you can have is so great, why not go for it’ the book said.
So many things in the book were offered at once. I went into a tizzy of bliss at knowing all the possible wonderful things I could have, unimaginably wonderful. As Irene said when she started to read it, “it all sounds too good to be true.” And at the same time, every single sentence I read was evaporating fear and allowing peace to replace it.
The book was having a huge effect on me, and I loved it beyond measure. It was very important to me that it was written in logic. Every statement he made, as out of the world as it sounded, he proved with logic. There was nothing he said, he did not prove. And I knew I was reading the clearest most brilliant mind I had ever read. Plus your heart recognizes truth too when it is spoken, it resonates. You will believe truth when it is spoken, I discovered, because of the resonance in your heart, but you don’t wholly believe it, until your logical mind lines up behind it too. And this book did both.
At same time, the book did another thing, and I guess for me it was the most profound experience of all. It told me all about me. The book claimed I don’t know myself at all and know nothing about myself. And then it went and told me all my deepest darkest secrets, things I had never, and would never, admit to myself. And of course I knew that is true, we all know our deepest darkest secrets which we will never admit to ourselves. And then it explained to me why none of this is true. It told me all the horrible ideas I had about myself, and where they came from and why I believed them, and proved that none of them were true, not one single horrible idea about myself was true. You’ve had these horrible ideas about yourself your whole life, your whole life has been covering them up and trying to pretend they are not so, you think your real self is rotten to the core. This is where the book really hit me where I lived. Not one deep dark secret was hidden from this author. He brought every single one, even the deepest and the darkest, into the light. And plainly showed me why it was not true. I had never experienced so much love in my whole life. I had never been loved that way. I had never been understood before. And understood with such love, such high appreciation of who I was. He loved me far far far more than I loved myself and he understood me totally.
As psychotherapy it was totally effective. Once every single deep dark secret is brought into the light, and it is proved to me it is not true, it is a total cleansing. I changed my beliefs about myself on the spot. I now believed I was good and lovable instead of rotten as evil and unlovable. And once those secrets are brought to light and the means by which they got in there are brought to light, they can’t get back in. I was washed clean and could not be fouled again. You could say I was saved, saved from myself.
There was a lot more in the book than that but of course that was the most emotional part for me. Mainly the book seemed to be claiming what you think is reality, is not reality. And in fact reality is perfect. And if you want perfection, all you have to do is move from unreality to reality, and it is all there for you.
Which is a tall order to prove. But of course he did. By the time I finished the whole text I believed him. And then I did the Workbook, a lesson a day for a year, and read the Manual for Teachers, which was only 30 pages. And then I was done.
And then I knew I had to make a decision. Either everything he says is insane, or everything I learned about the world is insane. I couldn’t believe both at the same time, because everything is the opposite. I had to make a choice for myself who to believe. It was a scary choice, because according to everything I had believed my whole life, what he was teaching was insane. I was scared I would be insane if I decided to believe it. But the book had had a huge effect on me. It was as if my mind had been filthy dirty muddy streaked windows, before I began reading it, you could barely see out and all was distorted and ugly. And as I read the book it was like washing the windows of my mind clean. I began to see so much clearer. I actually experienced my mind clearing up. Clearer and clearer and clearer as I read the book. And by the time I finished, the windows of my mind were perfectly clear, perfectly clean, absolutely beautiful and the light streamed in. I used to wash my windows back in New York and there is nothing as beautiful as freshly washed windows. Nothing. All beauty can arrive to you, everything is clear and beautiful and filled with light. All that light rushes right in.
So I spent a whole minute trying to decide whether or not to believe it, when it was all over. And I was scared to decide to believe it. But I decided to. It was like crossing a river to another side. And once I crossed over, I never looked back. It felt completely natural and right. I was happy with my decision. I had made the right one for me.
And then I spent the next 16 years trying to practice everything I learned in the book. Trying to put it into practice, trying to live that other reality, to the best of my ability.
None of the huge promises he had made of the magnificent gifts I would get if I simply put this into practice, decided to choose it and believe it, ever seemed to arrive. Altho I became steadily happier and more peaceful. And yes traumatic ordeals still did enter my life. One gift I got which was very nice, is it totally changed how I see the future. When you are a child, and for a long time after that, I don’t know how long, maybe close to 30, you see the future as this wonderful paradise right ahead of you. As a kid you can’t wait to grow up and have it all. Your eyes, your mind, are always fixed on that glorious future, when your life will be perfect paradise. And one thing the book did give, is it restored that to my mind. It was one thing I did believe whole-heartedly, that radiant, joyous beyond belief, happy beyond belief, all dreams come true future awaits all of us. I wasn’t able to undo the past as he wanted me to, altho I tried. But I certainly did believe completely in our glorious future. I still do. It is a given for me. Which has a seltzer-like bubbling effect on my mind. I am always in a constant state of anticipation, I can’t wait. It is exhilarating, it exhilarated my mind.
The single thing I did not pay attention to in the entire “Course Of Miracles,” the 660 page Textbook, the 365 lessons in Workbook, one for each day of the year, the 30 page Manual, was anything having to do with miracles. I took a whole course in miracles and ignored everything having to do with miracles. Miracles never entered my mind. Other than the proof for them and the explanation of them. I mean I had zero interest in miracles. I was interested in everything else, it just never crossed my mind to want to do a miracle.
Until yesterday. I wanted to do a miracle and heal my dog, from whatever it was which was making her act so weird. I wanted my dog to be fine. And the only way I could see to do that was to do a miracle, heal her with a miracle. Dr Kaufman was unable to help Lulu, he didn’t find anything wrong and didn’t know how to help her.
I said to myself, “I took a course in miracles, I tried to practice the course for 16 years, I should be able to do a miracle now, and I want to do a miracle.” But I didn’t know how to do a miracle, and I didn’t know what a miracle was. I had some idea I would say something in my mind, and then I would turn over and see Lulu as glowing and perfect again, instead of looking so out of it. But in any case I snuggled in with God and chit-chatted with God. And God said “yes let’s do a miracle together, we will heal Lulu, that will be our miracle, it is not hard Annie, you can do it, let’s do a miracle together.”
And what finally inspired me, tipped me over the edge, made me want to do the miracle and believe I could, is when God said “look how much people suffer when they lose their pets, you can save everyone from this suffering, don’t you realize when you do a miracle, you do it for all, the whole world, you will be saving everyone’s pets.” And of course I want with all my heart for no one to go thru that suffering, it is the worst suffering of all. I discovered the way for me to ask for a miracle was to include others in it, so the miracle I asked for is that Lulu and Beanie (my dogs) and Zack and Sarah (Jan and Harry’s cats) are perfect always and live forever.
Now I understand why he said in the Course, “you can’t ask for a miracle for yourself, only for others.” Once I included Jan and Harry’s pets in my miracle, I was able to ask for it. And God said, thereby it goes out to the whole world. Good!
And then I just lied there snuggled in God’s arms (in my mind) and thought about miracles. Everything I had read in my book about it, or what I had seen in Hollywood movies about Jesus performing miracles, or even what I had read in books about Jesus, where a small part was about his performing miracles. I had to have some idea of what a miracle was, and some example of someone who had performed them. I was trying to concretize ideas in my mind, make it real for me.
And while I was thinking about miracles lying in God’s arms, God said “why stop at this one, why not have lots of miracles, we can have lots and lots of miracles.” And then when my mind had drifted off to thinking about something totally different, I distinctly heard God say, out of nowhere, “you can even have a miracle about money.” Money is something which has been worrying me a lot lately. Because I haven’t figured out how, after I pay this next credit card bill, how I will have any money left in my bank account at all. And the money I get each month does not even pay for that month’s expenses.
And I actually perked up and lent an ear, it was said so clearly, crisply, and decisively “you can even have a miracle about money.”
All of this took place yesterday afternoon, so you can see why.. when I was at the computer in the evening and the phone rang and the girl said “this is Amanda from product research.” And I instantly said “please take my name off your list.” I had been getting 20 calls a day trying to sell me something, and now I automatically say “please take my name off your list,” and they say “OK” and hang up. But Amanda didn’t say OK and hang up. I said 3 different ways “please take my name off your list.” And she said “you did a survey for us several months ago.” And I said “O I remember, I was nice enough to do that survey, but that doesn’t mean I want you to call me and sell me something, please take my name off your list.” But to Amanda’s credit, she didn’t give up on me. Instead she said, “well after you did the survey, your name and phone number were put into a raffle and we did the drawing and you won, you will get a $500 gift certificate to department store in Tucson.”
Well you can imagine how embarrassed I was. Amanda had called me up to tell me I won a $500 gift certificate to department store in Tucson, and all I had said to her was please get off the phone and don’t call me again. I was afraid she would take it away from me. But instead she was wonderful to me. I apologized every which way from Sunday for how rude I had been to her. But she kept saying “it is nothing, you should hear the phone calls I get, I’ve been talked to much worse than that.” She was completely sympathetic and understanding, kind and forgiving, she was wonderful. Of course I didn’t tell Amanda I had just spent the whole afternoon trying to do a miracle for my dog, and thinking about miracles, and even being told I would get a miracle about money, and I was doing my best to believe in miracles, that I can do them, that I can succeed in healing my dog, that I can work a miracle and heal her. But I did tell Amanda all this very elliptically. I said “Amanda, you are the answer to a prayer. I spent $167 at Lane Bryant two weeks ago and was so upset I had done that, when I have car repair bills and property taxes to pay, that I said ‘I will never go shopping again for as long as I live!’ It is so sweet of you to give me $500 gift certificate to department store. And maybe my husband will even be willing to buy something, he is never willing to buy anything. But the real reason you are an answer to a prayer, is because there are things I want to help others (I didn’t want to tell Amanda about my dog, I didn’t want to confide to anyone that Lulu was having problems, the idea of saying it aloud scared me, that it would make the problems more real, and I wanted to evaporate them). So I just told Amanda, “I have been praying for a miracle to help others, and you calling me up to say I won $500 gift certificate, means to me I will get my miracles. And I want them so much. You are an angel, Amanda. An angel is a messenger from Heaven, and that is what you are.”
I really believed all this. I believed my phone call from Amanda saying “you won the raffle,” meant I would get my miracle for Lulu, and I would get miracles, that I would get everything God promised as I lay with my head on my pillow. But of course what I want above everything else in the world is for Lulu to be perfect again.
And I did believe it because of Amanda’s phone call, I believed in miracles.
Then Amanda said “Jared will come to your house to give you the gift certificate and he will do a demonstration of the Blue Air Filter at the same time.” And I thought ‘O no, there is a catch in all this.’ I said “Amanda, I agreed to take Crystal’s survey on the phone when she asked me to, because she promised it would only take one minute and she was true to her word, it only did take one minute. Tell me honestly, how long is Jared’s demonstration going to take place? Is it 15 minutes?” And she said “yes, it is 15 minutes, no longer!” I said “I can do that.” She said “he will do the demonstration and because he works for our research company you will answer questions about what you think about it.” I said “OK, I will have my husband answer the questions, he has good opinions, he is a technician and scientist, and he believes in health, he will have good opinions.” She said “Jared is a great guy, he is really nice, you will like having him.” She said “your choice is 8 PM this evening or 8 PM tomorrow evening.” I said “tomorrow evening is better and 8 PM is the perfect time for us,” she apologized because it was so late.
And we got off the phone and I told Bill about the phone call altho I am sure he heard a lot of my end, because I was exclaiming. I hadn’t told Bill anything about A Course In Miracles, about miracles, about God, about doing a miracle to heal Lulu. My husband is just not New Age. Each time I try to tell him anything, he said “I don’t want to hear it, tell your friend Jan, she is into all this stuff.” But he was very excited about the $500 gift certificate because he said “It means your luck is changing Annie, once your luck changes all kinds of good things come your way. I saw it with my dad. If you were a gambler in Las Vegas and you received this phone call you would know your luck changed and go right out and gamble.” And he said “I definitely think you should play the lottery tomorrow, we may start to have money again, and if we do, I will go to art school at the U of A, I will be able to afford painting classes, I would get a Bachelor of Fine Arts there, I would be able to paint from the figure again, and be around other artists, this would be very good for me. Your luck is changing and I will be able to afford that. Absolutely play the lottery tomorrow.”
“Do you want anything from the department store? a baseball cap or a Wildcats tee shirt? or new pair of Levis? or pair of shorts?” “No, I don’t want anything” he said. And then he said “we need a new vacuum cleaner, none of our vacuum cleaners work, if they have one on sale for $89 let’s buy it.” I said “it’s a $500 gift certificate and I don’t need anything, we don’t have to buy the cheapest vacuum cleaner, we can get a good one, let’s see which department store it is for.”
And then he went back to happily planning all the new wonderful things which will come into our life now that our luck changed, all the new opportunities it opens for us. It was great to see my husband so happy and upbeat and enthusiastic. He was in the middle of mopping all the floors, it was such hard work, such unpleasant drudgery. And it sure brightened him up, thinking how much he wanted those art classes at U of A. He even said “I will get my Bachelors in Fine Art, I will have to buy a computer, because I will have to write papers on art history and professors want the papers sent to them on email, that is how they do things these days..”
And I will admit Lulu seems to be on the mend. My idea of a miracle was like the fairy godmother in the Disney movie “Cinderella.” Where she waved her wand, said abracadabra, and instantly the wagon with 4 mules, turned into fancy gleaming coach with 4 beautiful black plumed steeds pulling it. And Cinderella’s dress turned from rags into a beautiful gown with stars on it.
But I remembered just before I fell asleep, in a book I had read about Jesus back in New York City, when he first began to do miracles a father had said to him “my son is dying, will you heal him.” And Jesus said “yes.” And the report was brought back that the son was on the mend. And Jesus asked “at what hour at what minute, did he start to begin to feel better?” And it was at the minute and the hour that Jesus did the miracle.
And so I realized a miracle is not abracadabra, total transformation in an instant, but begin to mend. And I was actually able to see signs that Lulu had begun to mend.
And I remembered what he had said in A Course In Miracles. “The reason I want you to do miracles and why you must do miracles, is not that miracles are important in and of themselves, but it is by doing miracles you will have evidence that everything I tell you in this course is true, miracles witness to the reality of what I tell you, they are your evidence.”
“And that is why you must do them, you need that evidence to believe it.”
It never occurred to me I needed evidence, I had reached the point when I did believe it. But what rang in my ears last night as I remembered that, is that miracles are evidence. Evidence I can see. And so if my miracle for Lulu works, I will see the evidence for it, I will see with my own two eyes Lulu is fine.
And I will admit, winning a $500 gift certificate to a department store, when I have never won anything in my life, is evidence of something....
post script, I wrote this when I first woke up, now it is 9:30 at night. Lulu has been acting normal all day. Mazel tov! My miracle may have worked, thank God.
Love and kisses, Annie
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