This is not from my Higher Self, I wrote this this morning to help me understand my own experience.
Sunday, May 4, 2008 7:29 AM
“Adventure” (with my dog Lulu)
Well the last few days have been interesting because there have been emotions. I am in the midst of an emotional drama. It’s impossible for me to know what is real in it. Because feelings about my pets are always all powerful. One of my dogs can have the slightest booboo but my emotional reaction will always be total. When I am in the world of pure emotion, any sense of reality at all seems to jump out the window.
What makes this emotional drama interesting is that I do have some sense that it is just booboos, so I am willing to control my emotions. On the other hand emotions are so unpleasant to experience, that I am constantly motivated to undertake spiritual work. And the particular spiritual work I am engaged in now, to deal with these emotions in this drama, is to realize nothing is out there, and it all takes place in my mind.
Of course I am highly motivated to do that now, because if I could believe that and experience that, there lies unshakeable peace. And unshakeable peace is what I want right now.
All my past emotional dramas have motivated me to do spiritual work because the stress was unbearable. I wanted peace more than anything in the world.
And so I always came out ahead when it was over. But I never secretly felt it was worth it. I was always glad to get something priceless from the hell I had been thru, but secretly I hated going thru hell and did not think anything was worth it. It was just that I had had no choice as I saw it.
All the same ingredients are in this one, but the amounts are all different. Which has let me have more awareness, and even a sense of choosing it. Yes, there is stress but it is not unendurable. It is low level stress, it is manageable stress. Enough to motivate me to work for peace, but not enough to destroy my life. The result is I do have some awareness of what is going on inside my mind, what this experience may mean and what it is designed to bring me. And altho I would not say I have zest for it, I do have a different attitude. There is a real part of me which is saying, “OK let’s go for it.” In other words, I see the value of what it could bring me. And some part of me is saying “it is worth it, to have this stress which is not unbearable to bring in this tremendous value.” It is the first time the emotional drama plus the awareness of the great value it could bring me, are in the same place in my mind, or are held in awareness together.
Of course I am not fully confident I will accomplish the liberation the spiritual work could bring. I don’t even know what life would be like if I had it. It really is all vague and fuzzy to me, the end goal. So in a sense it is an adventure, an exploration. Like packing up the canoe and setting off to uncharted waters. I don’t know what I will be passing along the way, I don’t know what the destination is. Even if there is a destination? If there is such a thing as arrival? I just know I am going on a trip and I do know I am going along willingly. It is not like all the other times, pulled by my hair, kicking and screaming.
I didn’t choose it, it chose me. But having chose me, there is some real part of me which is choosing it. Which maybe makes all the difference in the world. I don’t feel victimized. And I am not sure I would not choose to have this experience, altho naturally no one chooses discomfort or stress.
Altho sometimes they do. There is an expression “suffer for beauty.” And I have now watched both reality shows, “Housewives of Orange County” and “Housewives of New York City,” about a coterie of rich women in both places. And the cameras have followed them into doctors’ offices where they had botox treatments, which takes away wrinkles on skin of face. And you can tell how painful it is, but the women are willing to spend a fortune and undergo it, because they want to be beautiful.
For them it is an easier clear decision. They know how long the treatments last, they can say “I will undergo this discomfort for one hour.” And they know exactly what they will get in return, their face will be restored to its young beauty. None of this interests me in the slightest. The most I was willing to do was to get a facial from Maria. But I do seem to be willing to undergo this "thing" I am undergoing now.
Even tho I have no idea how long it will take, what I will endure, and what I will get at the end. It is just somehow I know it is the right thing for me to be doing now, and I will get something fine from undergoing it, that I will come out ahead from it, that I will be free-er.
It must have something to do with manipulating my own perception. I don’t know how much progress I have made, I have been involved in it for 3 days now, today is the 3rd day. And what it has brought me to so far, seems to be a loosening. By which I mean I am no longer sure of what I know at all. In fact I am starting to realize I don’t know at all. For instance if I look at Lulu and there appears to be a booboo or two, on one hand I don’t know if I am interpreting my perception correctly. I mean I don’t even know what it means what I am seeing. I don’t know if I am perceiving correctly, or how to perceive correctly. On the other hand, if it is true that there is nothing out there, and it all takes place in my mind, then anything I see at all is a projection of images from my own mind.
And even I can realize, that images in my own mind have no substantial reality, have no permanence. And who knows, maybe I don’t have to live in the world of images at all? Because there are things taking place in my mind, I mean there is another world inside my mind, which seems to be the exact opposite of the world of images I see out there. There is a whole other Lulu in my mind, who I communicate with, who is a great glowing goddess and extension of God. A dog goddess but with God’s mind, like every other being in my mind, they are all an extension of God’s mind, God’s consciousness.
And it is this Lulu, the one in my mind, who seems to be my coach in this experience. “We're a team, we will do this together, we will ace it, we can do it, I will help you, follow my lead, I will guide you, this is a good experience, we can do it, trust me, I will help you.”
So I am having two very different experiences of Lulu now. The one in my mind, and the one perception shows me. And it’s possible some of the stress of this experience has to do with that. LOL it isn’t easy to live in two realities at the same time. And I’m not sure if one can. I mean we do, as soon as we start becoming spiritual, and there doesn’t seem to be a problem. But who knows, maybe it is coming to a head for me. That they can’t keep co-existing the way they have, that it is time for a breakthru.
What the breakthru will mean I don’t know, I have no idea. Maybe I will learn how to consciously manipulate my own perception. Or at the least, there will be some evidence in the world of perception, of what I experience in my mind. That this real world I experience in my mind, will find a way to bleed into the world of images in my mind.
I guess that is the important thing for me to remember, that both worlds are taking place in my mind. The world of perception may show me what is taking place in my mind, but where it is happening is inside my mind. And if reality is also taking place in my mind, then two worlds are going on in my mind. And what I want is for the world of reality to control the world of images. I want the world of images to conform to the world of reality. And yes perception is a mirror. I can see in that mirror (what I see, when I look out) what is taking place in the world of images in my mind.
But my hunch is, the more energy and reality and belief I can give to the part of my mind where true reality is happening, that that is what I want to pay attention to. And just let the images take care of themselves. I think that is the way I will go for right now. Try to keep my focus on the reality part of my mind, and remove as much focus as I can from the world of perception out there. And just see what happens.... because I just don’t know anything, this is wholly new terrain for me. I am girl in the dark with a flashlight, and little Lulu is my companion on this adventure leading the way.
I love you
Annie
Post script, And even if it turns out that all this experience does is strengthen me, and it is the huge emotional dramas which yield the fruit of earthshaking new insights (earthshaking for me). This one does not have big emotions, it is small emotions. So maybe I will learn small things But that is fine. It is the small things we learn which make life a softer experience for us.
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