“My 4 hour phone call with Beth”

Tucson by Felix Pasilis

“My 4 hour phone call with Beth”
5:53 am Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Communicated by my Higher Self

It is very early morning, the sun has not yet risen above the mountains. The darkness of dawn is still in the yard, but the green leaves are very green and seen. It is the delicious frosty freshness of an early morning when the days have been too hot.

Two days ago, Sunday morning, at 9:30 in the morning, Annie got phone call from Beth. Even tho it sounded like Beth’s voice on phone, she could not imagine Beth would be calling her at 9 in the morning. Beth’s schedule her whole life has been up all night, sleep all day. But it was Beth. She has started to crash (fall asleep when she had not intended to). Wake up at unexpected times. Stay up for a few hours. And then go back to sleep. She called Annie because on her favorite radio station, people were calling in with their favorite love sonnets. Beth was enjoying it so much she thought Annie would too. She planned to go back to sleep, but instead they were on the phone for 4 straight hours.

Beth claimed Annie told her gazillion years ago, “you are the most unromantic girl I know.” Beth had called to say how romantic she is, and how much she loves these love sonnets. Beth is in love with her Tucson boyfriend, and she resonates to love sonnets.

Annie was overjoyed to hear Beth’s voice on the phone. She had just finished taking down a communication from me about her friend Michael. She and Beth and Michael had all been best friends together, back in Annie’s late 20s. Beth was practically the only person in the whole world, who Annie could say, “I was just thinking about Michael, he ended his friendship with me because I did something wrong, and was never friends with me again.” And Annie told Beth how (back in the late '70s) they had planned to make the cornish hens together, but she went to Helen’s party, got so confused she did not return home for 24 hours. And Michael was so infuriated about it, he said “that’s it for the friendship!” And she never saw him again. “But that’s insane” Beth said. “That’s not a normal thing to do, that is insane, how could he do that.” It was such a relief for Annie to hear Beth pronounce it insane right after I had spent the past two hours explaining to her that it was not a normal thing to do. It was so reinforcing. “I always accepted it as normal” Annie said, “until 10 minutes ago.” Which was her elliptical way of referring to the two hours we had just spent, where I got her to look at it all differently.

So you can imagine all the warmth and happiness Annie had for Beth. It seemed like a miracle. Beth, the one person who was there at the time, who knew Michael, who knew the friendship, would be on the phone with her now, and she could say about it.

After that the conversation changed to Beth talking about her life, and there was no let-up for 4 hours. Half of it was events which took place in New York City, and half were events which took place in Tucson. And a big part of it was her relationship with her Tucson boyfriend now. Beth is frustrated in the relationship and always trying to break up with him. She wants more than he is willing to give.

Some of the events which took place in New York City which Beth’s story told involved violence. She had rented a room in an apartment of some huge woman. When Beth took too long to move out when the woman told her “leave!”, the woman slapped her so hard across the face it knocked Beth across the room and her scarf fell off. Then the woman struck her again. Beth was so upset she peed in her pants. She asked the woman if she can wash out her underpants before she goes to look for another place. And the woman must have been shocked at what she did because she said Beth can wash out her underpants, so she has clean underpants, and use her drier. And then she disappeared. Beth said “it is very mysterious, she just disappeared, she must have been afraid I would call the cops.”

Then there was a story about another eviction. The marshals came, they frightened Beth’s dog so much when they pounded on the door, he went to the bathroom on the floor. And Beth grabbed her knapsack and some dog food, and a few items, and said “just let me go to the bathroom.” She said she must have had diaherria, because she took so long on the toilet, and the marshals were banging on the door saying “What is taking so long!”

And then she wound up sitting on the stoop with her dog and her possessions, homeless. But a wonderful woman named Judy Marshall happened to be walking by. And when she said “what are you doing here?” Beth told her. “Do you know of a shelter where I can take my dog?” Beth asked. And Judy Marshall found her a shelter where she could have her dog. Beth said it was very expensive $20 a night. And in the end it didn’t work out because Beth's dog did not get along with the other dogs, and they put him in a cage. And Beth wouldn’t stay in a place where her dog was in a cage, plus separated from her.

And then there was the story of how she got her dog. She lived across the street from a park with a swimming pool in it. It was January freezing cold winter. Because of her schedule, she was eating her supper on a bench at 5 am, it was pitch dark, when she heard sounds from the empty swimming pool. She deduced there was puppy in it who could not get out, and climbed down, and sure enough there was. She went home, put on warm clothes and came back with a bowl of water, a mat for him to lie on, and some food, and tried to rescue him. But he was feral, frightened, and had been abused. He snarled and tried to bite her when she first tried to rescue him. But after she brought him food and water he did lick her hand. But she couldn’t get him out, and called the ASPCA who took two hours to arrive, and they were able to do it. But they wouldn’t give Beth the puppy, she had fallen in love with him. They gave her his docket number and said “if you can recognize him in the ASPCA, you can adopt him.” So she went down there, found him from his number, and adopted him.

Meanwhile Beth had gotten married. But the dog had emotional problems because of abused puppyhood before Beth saved him. Apparently Beth’s husband opened the refrigerator, it was so full there was no room for him to put his food in it, he said something to her. She replied in irritated voice. Puppy thought husband was being mean to Beth and leaped on him. Husband was scared and enraged. “You sicced the dog on me! I am going to kill him!” He picked up the heavy wooden child desk from an old elementary school, the kind which is bolted to the floor, which Beth had found on the street, and went after the dog with that. And said he will throw him out the window. They lived on the 3rd floor. Beth was afraid he would kill her dog. She got in the middle to protect her dog. And she got hit.

It was a very short-lived marriage. Beth will not say his name now.

Annie had started to be wiped out by the time she finished her New York stories, there was too much emotion, too much drama. But the switch to her Tucson relationship was like pulling teeth. Because in a weird way it was like the opposite side of the same coin, too much the opposite extreme. It was the same long involved tales, where she went into detail. But this time it was all mountains out of molehills. Her idea of a relationship is they go to the movies together, they go to museums together, they go to restaurants together, hang out and talk together. What he likes is for Beth to come over and they make love. So for Beth it is all gnashing of gears, she tries to get him to change and he doesn’t want to change.

Beth went into a lot of detail about all of this. And it was hard to listen to, the way long tales of frustration are always hard to listen to. Because of spinning wheels aspect. Nothing goes anywhere, nothing is ever resolved, frustration is just heaped on frustration. And then suddenly that changed to Beth telling her the story of her dog dying. Right while Beth was there and saw it all. Right in her kitchen, as he was drinking water. And of course that was very upsetting. Beth cried as she told it and it wasn’t easy for Annie to hear either. This is the same dog she rescued from the empty freezing swimming pool all those long years ago, when she lived in Washington Heights in Manhattan with her new husband. The dog who had been with her thru all those evictions in NYC later.

Apparently Arlene, Beth’s best friend in Tucson, who Beth shares her day-by-day life with, as she did with Annie all those gazillion years ago when both girls were in their twenties-- Arlene was so concerned about Beth when her dog went to Heaven, she called protective services in Tucson. And two women came and took Beth to the psychiatric ward of Kino Hospital. Beth was incarcerated in the mental ward.

That story would have interested Annie to hear it, but Beth went off on a tangent. Apparently one morning Beth had called Arlene and said “I don’t know what to do, have my cup of coffee or feed my dog?” She meant, which should she do first? But Arlene got Beth committed by saying “she does not have any common sense at all, and she starved her dog” and gave that story as illustration of how Beth starved her dog. And Beth is very upset that that is now on her official record, that she starved her dog, which of course is not true.

“I really should tell Arlene I didn’t like what she did back then” Beth said. And it is quite amazing that the two girls’ friendship is still as strong as ever. It’s no wonder Beth thought it was insane of Michael to end his close friendship with Annie when she didn’t return home in time to cook the cornish hens together, when she never considered ending her friendship with Arlene, who claimed to authorities Beth’s dog died because she starved it, and had her locked up in mental hospital.

The last hour of the phone call was about her relationship with her boyfriend. By this time Annie thought, “if Jeff is willing to put up with all of Beth's mishegoss, she should put up with his.” Beth is in love with him. And altho she complains he treats her like a call girl, there is something to be said for a relationship of making love and that is all. Altho Beth said “we used to talk all the time before.”

Jeff has been married 3 times. Despite all the ups and downs of those marriages, they were real marriages. He had children, he has a little grandson he dotes on, and who lives with him. There is no way he is going to submit to Beth’s shenanigans. 24 year old boys are willing to put up with all that nonsense from 24 year old girls, because they don’t know it can be any different, they think ‘that is what relationships are, half the time you torture each other.’

Beth has not graduated from that place, but Jeff has. Yes he loves Beth, altho he won’t tell her that, and she doesn’t believe it for an instant. That is why she is always giving him a hard time. Every single thing he does, Beth interprets it as ‘it means you don’t love me.’ But if Beth wants more from this relationship besides love making, she has to stop the shit. She has zero intention of doing that now. But the two people love each other, and this relationship has been going on long time now, eventually they will find a way to work it out.

After 4 hours Annie had to get off, her mind simply stopped working totally. Beth had reached the point where she had now got everything off her chest she wanted, and she was up for a real mutual conversation, where they would be in the present, in the moment, and actually communicate and share. But it was way too late for Annie, she was blitzed.

I told Annie it was draining and depressing, too many stories about terrible things happening, and that her friend is out of her mind. I told her it actually saved Beth, that she was put in the mental hospital because shock is indicated for grief. It was such a huge shock for Beth to be hauled off to mental hospital and kept there, that it healed the worst of her grief, which would have devastated her. Plus it got her out of her apartment, it would have been terrible for Beth alone with her grief, and with her beloved dog not to be in her apartment and home, where his absence would kill her.
Plus death always causes huge guilt to arise. Beth would have eaten herself up with guilt, if she wasn't distracted by being incarcerated in mental hospital, it really did save her.

Beth never separated herself from God so she exampled God’s love wherever she went. This is why she won Annie’s heart completely when they were both 23 year old girls, and why Beth will always have Annie’s heart. The only time Beth chooses ego instead of God is in her relationships with men, which is why they are always so problematical for her and never last. Altho this one with Jeff is the longest lasting one for her. She always tries to break up with him and never succeeds. Her ego insists she break up with him. Her ego insists he belittles her. Her ego insists he doesn’t love her. Her ego insists all kinds of things. Beth, who never once heeds the ego in anything else, foolishly gives her full ear to the ego in this. But there is real love there on both sides. She never succeeds in breaking up with him. Her last decision, “on Friday” she told Annie, “was to let go and let God, and if this relationship is meant to be, so be it, but it will be a big project for her.”

And she is right on every count. It will be a big project for her. But not how she thinks. She thinks the problem is Jeff, she has no idea the problem is her.

Beth’s problem is unusual. Unlike the rest of the world, she happily chose God instead of the ego. She has no ego identification, so she has escaped anger, grievances, resentment, self-pity, fear and anxiety, and stress, and judgmentalness. And there is a lucidity and perspective she never loses because of this. Beth never loses her balance, she never has, she never will. But her problem is body identification. The ego's home is the body. Beth does not heed the mind of the ego, the voice of the ego, but the body identification is total, which is the source of all her problems. And is why Beth has as many ups and downs in life as anyone else, and also explains the densification of her consciousness.

As long as she makes every decision based on what she thinks her body "needs," she is trapped. She is not a slave to the voice of ego in the way most are, always taking offense, thinking self-importance matters. Beth would simply laugh if the ego tried any of that shit on her. She is so far beyond that. She sees with the eyes of God. So the ego used the body on Beth, and has her under its thumb that way. In the name of "health" Beth is kept completely earthbound and never reaches for the stars which is her true home.