“My friend Nora has a lot on her plate now”

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
6:12 am, Tuesday, June 10, 2008
“My friend Nora has a lot on her plate now”

This is a very intense time for everyone. I got email from Nora back in New York City who says she is engaged with huge struggle with her mom now. And then I got follow-up email detailing it. I agree it is huge. I didn’t comment directly on it when I wrote back to her. Her wonderful grown up daughter is helping her, plus her sweet husband. It is a family dispute, and Nora is lucky to have her own family helping her out. She is not alone.

I can see why it would be very hard for Nora or anyone to be in this boat. Apparently 40 year ago a mischief-making aunt made up lies about Nora and told her parents these lies and for 40 years her parents have believed them. It was dark secrets they held against Nora, but she had no idea. It is only now it is all coming out. Nora is deeply upset by the horrific lies, plus that her parents believed these deep dark secrets for 40 years. But somehow in the process of all this coming out in the wash, so is everything else! Nora is finding out all kinds of perceptions her mom has about her and her life, and is very dismayed.

It’s one of those things which looks like a big mess and of course Nora’s emotions about it are huge. But what struck me when I read the email, but which I did not say, is it is better for these lies to come out in the open than to continue to be hidden in secret. At least Nora can say “this is totally untrue.” Her parents can choose to be believe Nora or not, but at least Nora gets to say “this is completely false, none of that happened.” Nora actually can set the record straight on everything, now that she found out all the crazy things they think.

But if ever there was something which is maelstrom of emotion this is it. Because how can someone not be deeply upset at the content of the lies; that someone would make this up and tell your parents; and that your parents would believe it. All the sources for a maelstrom of emotion are here. Plus finding out your parents’ incorrect and distorted perception of everything which has happened in your life since you are grown up and started your own family.

I can see how from a spiritual perspective this is an incredible opportunity to deal with everything at once. I mean if Nora can get on top of her emotions, the girl would be absolutely invincible, invulnerable, and free for the rest of her life. She would go into a state of bliss and peace, which nothing could ever disturb ever again. Because everything being thrown at her now is the hardest which could possibly happen. If she can get on top of this one, she would never be mad at anyone or upset with anyone ever again. Because she would have gotten on top of the most maddening and upsetting thing which could happen.

I can’t believe I am sitting here thinking “what a beautiful challenge is laid out for my friend Nora, and when she solves all this she will be free and happy as a bird, it will be her deliverance, this is an amazing opportunity.” I say this knowing what a maelstrom of emotion must be going on in her head now, and how life must be hell. But it has the odd effect of making me love and admire Nora, and appreciate her, and feel very close to her and look at her with wonder and joy. Because some part of me knows that some part of her set this challenge to herself now.

I know exactly what it is. For first time Nora seems real to me. Even tho we had an on-and-off again close friendship during our early 30s in New York City, I can’t say I ever knew Nora or identified with her. I never understood her. But this struggle I understand, Nora calls it “a huge struggle with my mom,” but I see it as a huge struggle with her emotions, and a huge struggle with emotions is something I do understand completely, from the inside-out. It has been my life. Which is why I feel so much love and closeness and respect for Nora that she is undergoing it now. No matter what the outcome, I have so much respect for Nora that she has taken up this challenge in her life now. For the first time I understand Nora from the inside out, I know exactly what she is going thru, where her head is at, what her life is like now. And I respect her to the skies for undergoing it, and have nothing but total love for her.

It is interesting, there are two ways to admire another human being. There is Gandhi and Martin Luther King, who I worship, I love them beyond measure, and I admire them beyond measure. It goes beyond admiration, it is worship. And gratitude, immense gratitude, they did this for all of us, they are spiritual leaders and liberators of the world. I am humble devotee when it comes to them. They are my greatest heros. But then there is the love and admiration I feel for Nora right now. And that love and admiration includes me in it. It never occurred to me to love or admire myself for what I did. But by loving and admiring Nora for what she is doing now, I am including myself in that love and admiration. That is why I feel so close to Nora now and I never really did feel close to her before. I never knew her before. It is my love and understanding and admiration of her, which makes me feel so close to her. And the really interesting thing is, how many of us right now, are just like Nora. I mean I only know what Nora is going thru because of those 2 emails yesterday, the first which said “I am going thru a huge struggle with my mom right now,” and then the second email detailing everything. But it could be half the world-- it could be more, 3/4 of the world-- is sitting here right now, with a heaping plate of the most difficult thing in the world to solve, right in front of them. We are all dealing with something very difficult for us and very hard right now, we are all Nora.

I was friends with Nora before she had her lovely daughter and her lovely husband, so if she had a struggle with anyone, she was alone in her struggle. This is the big one, the World War 11 of struggles, what she went thru when I knew her were just the tiny skirmishes in life. This is the battle field of the whole world. Not only is her mom involved, and how she must feel about that aunt, but feelings about her dad, her brother; the whole family back in Montana is involved. World War 2 has broken out in Nora’s life and her job is to find peace in her mind and heart about it all, and bring all these relationships to peace.

I would say this is impossible to do without God coaching us every step of the way, without God pouring his love and comfort all over you. Holding your hand, helping you write the letters. As I assume this is all taking place in emails, or letters if her family in Montana is not on email. But I think instead of God being her coach, it is her daughter and husband. It is their love which is holding her up, their help which is helping her, and their wise counsel being brought to bear. She said she read her letter back to them to her daughter first, and Mary suggested she take out some of the things she had written “because they will cause hard feelings.”

For me, my struggles brought me to close intimate relationship with God. But I have a hunch Nora’s struggle now will expand and re-vivify her love for her husband and daughter to infinity. Because these horrendous horrific struggles all seem to have the purpose (among other things) of bringing an infinity of love into your life. You get to experience a love and closeness which is truly divine. For me it was with God. But with Nora, she is getting to experience divine love with her husband and daughter, and this is a gift from Heaven. This is the source of true joy in Nora’s life, which will bring her the supreme happiness.