“This and That”

"Honeybee Canyon" this week by Margot Rose
Very windy day, 30 and 40 mph gusts, so we went under the bridge and up the slot canyon. A few times I had to hang on to the umbrella but I was looking into the sun so I was glad I had it with me. Beautiful day to be out upsetting the birds.
Saturday morning, 7:28 am, October 27, 2007
Communicated from my Higher Self
“This and That”

Well she opened her eyes this morning and watched to see if she had negative thought about new day arrive and to her amazement she did not. This is first day she hasn’t. It had already gone away for past month but it still flickered around her mind when she woke up. And sometime it would flicker on in half-hearted way. But today it didn’t at all, no flicker! She woke up and her mind was completely neutral about the new day.

Interestingly enough her attitude towards this blog is changing too. Her attitude about it is more accepting and more free-wheeling. She is most uncomfortable when a blog entry is about someone she knows. Even tho she realizes it is next to impossible they would find it and read it (Jan is the only steady reader of her blog, and Jan does not even know these girls back in New York), Annie is convinced the roof will fall in on her if any of the people mentioned, or around the people mentioned, got wind of it. However the very interesting thing is that the anxiety never carries over to the next day. She may go to sleep thinking “What have I done!!” but she never wakes up with it. By the time the next day rolls around, it no longer seems like anything tragic got said, it seems like no big deal. The only big deal was that she talked about others, or I did, she is just a secretary.

It’s not that Annie doesn’t talk about others to her friends, of course she does, but she doesn’t post it on the internet. She thinks my big crime is telling her these things and then having her post them. “You are going to get in a lot of trouble” she tells me, “my friends are going to be mad at you. No one likes being talked about, that is a cardinal rule.”

But she has posted quite a lot and nothing has happened yet. She went to sleep filled with trepidation and woke up and the trepidation was gone. And the result is yesterday, when she felt all that trepidation, she actually thought to herself “I feel so much trepidation now, but tomorrow I may not feel it at all.”

And one thing which has been dawning on her about this blog, is that it might be possible-- all the rules she has lived by, all the rules which said “if you don’t do this, the roof will fall in on you,” that some of the rules are being tested here. She herself would never in a million years test any of those rules, she believes those rules, she made up those rules. And she experiences acute trepidation when any of them are broken here. But yesterday for first time she had different attitude. She still had all her trepidation but she didn’t have only trepidation. She also thought it was an adventure.

Annie is a riot. All that girl wants in the whole world is to feel safe. And yet she has gone thru some of the scariest experiences anyone has gone thru, and quite a lot of them, since she started on the path to enlightenment. The effect of this is-- whatever was her goal, before they ever happened, was to change her goal, to just feeling safe. After tasting what it is like not to feel safe, all she wants is to feel safe. However the roof has fallen in on her so many times now, in so many big ways, that when it falls in on her in a small way-- like if she has a friend she has always been scared of, screaming at her on the telephone, infuriated at her-- she is pretty detached about it. She treats it as a very small ordeal, by which I mean she waits for the phone conversation to be over. She holds the phone a little away from her ear, close enough so she can hear her friend is still talking, but far enough away so she doesn’t hear what her friend is saying. And then she lets her friend vent all her fury at her, telling her how bad she is. And finally when her friend is finished, Annie puts the receiver by her ear again. “I hope I wasn’t too harsh with you, Anne,” her friend says. “No, you were fine” Annie said. “OK.” There’s that feeling after the storm has spent its fury, they have nothing else to say to each other. And Annie hangs up the phone and thinks “Whew! now time for a hot fudge sundae! that was no picnic!”

It is the oddest combo of circumstances Annie is now in. All she wants is to feel safe. And yet she unquestioningly does whatever I say, and sometimes it is a bold move, like moving from New York to Tucson or buying the house.

Also if I tell her to do something and her mom or Bill are opposed to it, she will do what I say, none of their threats are to any avail. She will stand up to their threats. She doesn’t like it, and she is quaking, but she is also unbudgeable. Her allegiance is completely to me. And she believes I know the way to Bill’s happiness and to her mom’s happiness better than they do. Which is why she won’t give in under their duress, she trusts me.

She trusts my love for them, my understanding of them, my passionate desire for their happiness. So in her mind, she won’t sacrifice their happiness no matter what they tell her they want, and how she must obey them. When push comes to shove she obeys only me. And it delights her to obey me. She trusts me, she trusts me with her happiness, and the happiness of those she loves, and the happiness of all everywhere.

So even tho Annie is the scaredy cat of the western world, there is nothing which doesn’t scare her-- she is bold as a lion because she does what I say.

Her goal is to avoid trouble at any cost, she doesn’t care how much she has to give in. But I have my own goals for her, and sometimes they require her to be bolder than she wants to be. But she always winds up free-er, so she goes along with me....